I wish I could cancel Christmas..........

It's Christmas Eve, and I am desperately wishing that it was January 4th when Mr H goes back to work. The weather here is dreadful so I can't get out anywhere and I have severe cabin fever, and Mr H is driving me INSANE. Sips of wine, whilst cooking and prepping veg are helping a bit.
My middle son and DIL came for a pre-Christmas couple of days and my youngest son and GF will be coming on 29th December for a couple of days. My eldest son is having a bit of a strop and isn't speaking to anyone. That's another story. So it's just Mr H and I for the jolly holidays. But it's not jolly. At all.

Last week I had a bit of a bug, sore throat, high temp, cough, etc, I medicated myself and got on with life. Mr H started with the same symptoms on Sunday, just as my son and DIL arrived, and he moaned and whinged, couldn't eat much, had to go to bed at 5pm on the Monday. Yes really. Barely spoke during the present opening.

Yesterday morning we went to our nearest market town, 11 miles away, to collect ordered meat and buy veg and last minute stuff. He had planned it like a military operation......
"We'll get up, have a quick cup of tea, drive over there, we should be there by 8am, get the meat, put it in the car, get the veg, put it in the car, get any supermarket stuff, put it in the car" .........you get the picture I'm sure. Everything went to (his) plan and we were home by 9.30 to walk the dogs.

Today I got up at 5.30am as my cough had returned and I didn't want to wake him, so I sat downstairs coughing with a cup of tea and cuddling the dogs.
At 7.30 I took him a cup of tea...."I woke at 5.30" I said, " I was coughing so I didn't want to disturb you"
No reply.
30 minutes later he says "I've got a bad cough".

He has coughed and spluttered loudly all day. But more than that, he has done nothing, absolutely
nothing. He has sat in a chair, gazing at the switched off TV.  Or he has hovered in the kitchen, putting things away that I am using. Or he has paced around the house like a caged tiger, gazing out
of each window for a minute or so. In an effort to escape, I went upstairs to finish the ironing.....after 15 minutes he came upstairs......."oh you're doing the ironing" he said. " no, I'm waiting for the elves to do it" I replied.

What I do know, is that I cannot spend another Christmas like this, with him and his misery. Next year, I will suggest that we either go away, or out to eat on the day, or that he cooks. I really can't be arsed to do it all again, for no appreciation and thanks whatsoever. I think I'd like to book into a hotel on my own, with a lot of books to read, music to listen to, and some nice wine!

Merry Christmas and a Happy 2016 to you all.
Hannah x

We wish you a merry Christmas........

Tis the season of goodwill to all men......and I'm trying hard to extend some goodwill to Mr H, although he is trying my patience to it's absolute limit.
He doesn't like Christmas, he thinks it's an expensive waste of time and money, he doesn't see the point of a tree, or any decorations. Before we moved in together, he never had a Christmas tree, despite having young children, and he gave them one present each, no stocking fillers or fun things.
In fact no fun at all really. This lack of fun, lack of joy is hard to bear sometimes. I suppose it's partly that Christmas upsets his routines, his plan of how things should be at any given time.
I love Christmas,  and refuse to let him put a dampener on it for me, we have a real tree, even though it will just be the two of us for the big day itself, with various offspring and their partners visiting before and after.  I like buying little fun gifts for him, even though he will open them without comment and put them in a drawer, never to be seen again,  this happens every year but still I keep trying! I will get no surprises from him, I chose and ordered my present from him in august and he has put it away to be given to me on Christmas Day.
Tomorrow I am off on a day trip to a Christmas market with 3 girlfriends, and absolutely no husbands! I can't wait.  I'm so looking forward to browsing round, without someone impatiently tapping their foot behind me. We will be having lunch out and several coffee and cake stops. Mr H, of course, despite not getting into the Christmas spirit at all,  doesn't really like the idea of me gallivanting about without him, and keeps trying to control the trip from a distance......telling me what to do; " keep an eye out for pickpockets, don't get separated from your friends ( I'm 60, not 6!) don't miss the bus back...." And the final straw last evening "you'll have to ring me and let me know what you have for lunch and where".
I lost patience and said " I'm not ringing you unless there's an emergency, and I expect the same from you, I'm looking forward to this day out and I don't want half-hourly updates on your day" ( he has a habit of ringing me to tell me what he's eaten, that he has a headache/ stomach ache etc)
I knew as soon as I'd said it that he would sulk, we didn't speak for the rest of the evening - which was bliss!
Merry Christmas everyone xx

Aspergated

Sadly, I have just come to the realisation that I have become totally and utterly and completely aspergated over the 15 years of this AS/ NT relationship. I have read other people saying this, but I never really identified with it before.

On Monday night, after Mr H had gone off to work for 3 glorious days and nights, (and for the first time in several weeks I was completely on my own, not with Mr H, or looking after my Sister in Law), I had a bit of a crisis. I had a glass of wine and I sat and cried, and wished I was dead. And I also wished he was dead. I can see no way forward, no happy outcome. I think thus is a temporary blip for me, I am normally an optimistic person. He likes the fact that he can label himself as "autistic", without a definitive diagnosis, but sees it almost as a badge of honour. He thinks it's funny, an excuse for his odd behaviours. "I can't help it It's my autism" he quips. He has no insight whatsoever into how it really affects either of us, and our relationship, indeed one of his mantras is "I am what I am and I can't change". In other words take me or leave me.

His benign (or is it?) need to control every aspect of his life, and as I am an extension of him, every aspect of my life, has turned me into a person that I don't recognise. Gone is the feisty, outspoken, feminist, professional woman I once was, now I'm a cowed, controlled,  peacemaker, saying "yes dear" and letting him have his way for the sake of a quiet life. I have allowed this to happen, and I don't know why. With the benefit of hindsight, I should have stopped it or left years ago.

He decides when we get up, when we go to bed, what we eat, when we eat it. He is clever though, he says "we'll do ......if it's Ok with you". But if it's not ok with me, if I don't toe the line,  he sulks, big style. I do resist, but then have to bear the fallout of the sulk, and the "not speaking" for days. He decides what we will watch on TV, I realised last week that I hadn't seen any of the Christmas ads that people were talking about - why?  he only watches BBC because he won't watch the ads. I hadn't realised. TV is not a big thing for me, I tend not to watch it if I'm on my own, but I hadn't realised how restricted I was by his preferences.

He persuaded me that it was best if I didn't work once we moved to this house, and althoughI rebelled briefly and got a job, the company folded when I had been there 6 months and he was ecstatic, he'd won! He said "well I said you didn't need to work". He oversees the shopping (I do a big shop online but he feels the need to check it), he decides what we should spend and on what, and worst of all, I have allowed him to control my money. I have a few investments from when I took redundancy a few years ago, but he managed them for me, and so can check them online. Why on earth did I allow that? So I can't take money out without him seeing, apart from my isa, not that I particularly want to, but it's the not being able to that has made me realise just how controlled I am.

In my misery on Monday, I thought seriously about leaving him, I worked out how much money I would have if we divided everything, and yes I could afford to buy myself a very very small house, or a flat, but I wouldn't have any savings left.

So sadly, I think I stay with him for financial reasons, and I'm not proud of myself for that. I am over
60 now, and with some health problems, it would be hard for me to get a job. I would be happy to live on my own, I've done it before. I don't love him any more,  I just can't love a man who behaves like a child a lot of the time, with sulks and bad behaviour that makes me feel on edge if we are with other people, even family. But we do rub along together ok some of the time, and even have fun occasionally. But not often. Most of the time my life is pretty miserable.

What a sad and negative post this is, sorry. 
I need to buck my ideas up I think.

Hannah x

Rigid regimes......and losing out

Mr H loves to stick rigidly to his regimes and rules, and is adamant that he cannot move from them. One of his rules is that, when he works away, for 3 nights every other week he has to get up at 5.30am, therefore he has to go to bed at 9.15pm. On the dot. No question about it, he will go off to bed during an interesting TV programme because he has to go at 9.15. It's the rule.

So.......every 6 weeks or so, when he is away, he meets up with his daughter and son for a meal in the evening, usually at about 6.30pm. I would imagine it's a pretty sparse affair, they meet, eat, chat very briefly, and he escapes as quickly as possible to get back to his friend's house so that he can be in bed by 9.30pm (presumably before the witches get him!),  he has done his duty, all boxes are ticked.

But to throw a spanner into the works, his lovely 23 year old daughter has a new job as a nanny, she will be working until 7pm every day.

So the miserable tosspot that is Mr H, is planning to tell  his daughter that he can't possibly meet her at 7.30pm once every 6 weeks, because he has to get up at 5.30am, which would mean that he would get 7 hours sleep once every 6-8 weeks instead of 8! We are talking going to bed an hour later one night every 6 - 8 weeks! He has regaled me with this rubbish for several hours today, I have said that I think he is being a little selfish........I got a lot of abuse and whingeing about how his children don't fit in with his needs.

And I know this is all about the AS, but really it is not an excuse, he is a human being, a father, but what a miserable, self centred tw*t he is. He has no concept of the fact that other people have other plans too. If I was his daughter I think I would give him up as a waste of space.
All I can say is he will be damned lucky if these kids stick with him, his 2  eldest from his first marriage have no contact with him at all, because they, as adults, wouldn't jump to his rules, and consequently he has never seen his 4 grandchildren.
Sad but true. And entirely his fault. And so sorry that this post is so very negative.

Hannah x

Not my fault at all.......

Once again I'm following on from a post by muddlingthroughaspergers, sometimes all of us NT partners seem to be living parallel lives.
My DH is never wrong, if something goes wrong in his life it's not his fault. It's my fault, or someone else's fault. Never ever his fault.
On Monday we drove over to Manchester for a concert, it was foggy. I drove the first 1.5 hours cross country. It wasn't a fun drive, but he moaned all the time, moaned about tractors on the roads (it's a rural agricultural area), moaned about the fog ( well we can't change the weather), moaned about my slow driving (through thick fog on country roads!)
He drove the other 1.5 hours of the journey on the motorway, through fog, like a bloody lunatic. It was my car so I am waiting for the letter telling me I was speeding, when I will say no I wasn't, he was. He can add it to his other speeding points.
We arrived safely in the big city, no thanks to him, did a bit of shopping, and met up with my middle son and DIL  for a meal before the gig.
Before they arrived he constantly whinged that
(1) they wouldn't turn up, or .....
(2) they would be late so we'd miss the start of the gig....
(3) the food bill for 4 would be very expensive (despite the fact that we take my kids out for dinner about once a year whereas he takes his kids out every month!) and it wasn't dear, was a really cheap night out.

What really hacks me off with this AS business, is that I'm the one who has to do all the accommodating, and when it doesn't work, when I haven't accommodated enough, I feel guilty, like I've failed.
Someone wrote this on a forum, and it upset me, because, for me, it implied that the NT partner was to blame for the AS partners behaviour.
"When my ASP doesn't do what I want or what I would expect of a partner, I try to remind myself of the mantra 'no expectations', and then think about whether I asked him clearly enough, forgot to ask him, or whether my expectation was unrealistic for the circumstances"
For me, that is such a downer, to think that all of my husbands negativity, misery, whingeing, is my fault, because I didn't handle it well. May as well give up now I think.
Oh well
Hannah x

Yes dear...........

One of Mr H's less endearing qualities is his negativity, he doesn't have a good word to say about anyone or anything, and it's very wearing. Most of the time I try not to rise to the bait. This evening though, we ended up arguing.
All day he has been negative.......
1.His friend (his only friend) is coming to stay next weekend,  Mr H is fussing about as if it were a first date! Fussing about food, about where we should take said friend, for heavens sake this is a 57 year old man, he's visited us before several times, and Mr H stays with him at least 6 nights a month when he's working away. The friend is vegetarian, I looked through some cook books and made some food suggestions to Mr H. He decided to email friend to ask what he would like to eat from a list of suggestions. We don't do this for  any other guests, but when I pointed this out I was accused of "being difficult!"
2. While he chatted to his sister and then his daughter on the phone for 10 minutes this morning, I cut back lots of stuff in the garden, and dug up some plants that we want to get rid of. " well I hope you dug up all the roots " he said. Thanks for that, such a helpful comment.
3. This evening we had a conversation that I can barely remember, so memorable was it! We have been looking for someone to deep clean our oven, where we lived previously there was a local franchise that we used, since we moved here I haven't been able to find anyone. This evening I saw something about oven cleaning on Facebook and started investigating. I messaged the company and asked for a quote. I said to Mr H that I had a quote but would check out the company first.
"I think you need to check them out first" he said
"That's what I've just said to you " I said" I'm not going to get someone off Facebook without checking them out"
 "You are so negative, you shoot me down in flames all the time" he said to me!
"WHAT? Me Negative ? Let's turn this round and look at your  negative comments all day" I said
"I'm not turning anything round" he said, "it's you"
"Yes dear" I said "I'm sure it is"
and he sulked in silence for an hour before marching off to bed.

 I am enjoying the silence with the dogs downstairs. I know he won't have taken a glass of water up for me, because that's part of the sulk, and my punishment. Pathetic man.
At the moment I hate him. And I will sleep in the spare room. And I am bloody glad that he is working away for the next three nights!

Hannah x

What did you say?

Mr H doesn't really listen to what I say. He talks at me, but doesn't listen to, or hear, or process my response. He does, however, know how he wants me to respond and often thinks that he has heard that. Does that make sense?
Yesterday was a case in point

We have 2 dogs, one old and slow, the other younger and much more energetic. When Mr H is away, I walk both dogs together slowly down the lane, then take dog 2 out again for a 3 mile hike. Mr H doesn't want to do that when he's here, he wants us to go together, then one of us carry on with dog 2. Fine, if that's what he wants, it doesn't really matter to me.

So yesterday morning, he started getting up and dressed, while I was still reading in bed.
" tell you what" I said " you set off with dog 2, I'll take dog 1 for a short stroll when I get up"
Off he went downstairs. I finished the chapter of my book, got up, had a shower, got dressed, sorted some washing and went downstairs.....to find Mr H and 2 dogs in the kitchen, obviously waiting for me, and obviously annoyed. (Mr H, not the dogs!)
" I thought you were taking dog 2" I said.
"No, you said to wait for you" he replied.
Now there's no point in arguing because he is convinced that's what he heard. And I know what I said. I do find it incredible though, that he would just stand there waiting for 45 minutes, why didn't he just go?

So we set off together in stony silence, and I was glad when it was time for me to turn back with
dog 1. And he sulked all morning.

Happy days!

Hannah x

Food fight?

Mr H, like many other AS men, I guess, can't really cope with change. Funnily enough he berates his sister and his friend for this but he is much much worse. Sadly, he doesn't recognise these traits in himself because he has the self awareness of a goldfish.

Food is a case in point. He likes food, and he likes to cook, albeit to the letter of the recipe, which can cause kitchen wars.

Yesterday, he decided to do us poached eggs for breakfast.........but OMG there was no white wine vinegar in the cupboard. Well no because I used it all last week and couldn't get any more locally, it's on the online shopping list. You'd have thought the world had ended......."the eggs won't poach  properly" he said ......... "We could have fried eggs, or boiled eggs? " I suggested......."but I want poached eggs" he whined. My poached egg tasted fine, but he threw most of his in the bin because it wasn't quite right. His loss, but for some stupid reason I found myself apologising for not having white wine vinegar in the cupboard.

He also likes to plan food at least a week in advance, so will say to me on Wednesday, "next Thursday when I get home from work we can have ......., then on Friday we can have ......" and so it goes on. I don't work that way, I like to decide nearer the time, according to the weather and what I fancy. It drives him mad that I never remember what he has decided.......why would I?  Obviously if we have people staying, we need to be a bit more organised, but other than that, why? He is a meat and veg man, he likes boiled potatoes with most meals, which says it all in my humble opinion, and is totally beyond my comprehension. I like pasta, curries, spicy food, he likes the blandest thing on the menu.

 He also likes fish and seafood which I'll eat, but am not mad keen on, but yet again it all has to be his way, so if he decides we'll have fish on Friday (and there's no discussion here, it's what he's decided, he might ask if its ok with me, but I know that if I said no, he'd sulk for days so I'll usually
go along with it for the sake of avoiding an argument) I'll go along with it positively, saying "that sounds good, I'm looking forward to it " or whatever. However yesterday, I found an old cookbook and was reading through it......... "Pork, cider and apple casserole sounds good, we've never had that " I said...........pause......."well I'll give it a try I suppose" he replied, with no enthusiasm whatsoever. And I know that if I mention it again in a week or so, he'll say " I don't fancy that".
At the moment, we "do our own thing" food wise a couple if nights a week, when he retires I see that becoming 5 or 6 nights out of 7!

Anyway, on the upside, he has gone away to Spain with his friend for a few days, the kitchen is mine for 5 glorious days! And even better, I'm sitting watching a trashy DVD sipping a glass of Prosecco!

Cheers !
Hannah x

Complicating the simple things even more....

Why is it that Mr H has to make a drama out of everything? AS that's why I guess. Still drives me nuts though.
We have had a dog for 7 years now, we have had 2 dogs for the past 2 weeks. They are fine, dog 2 has fitted into dog 1's routine very nicely, it's just that Mr H is struggling with the slight change.

I normally wake up early in the morning, 6am ish, so I get up, let the dogs out and feed them. Sometimes I go back to bed, sometimes I sit downstairs with a cup of tea. Feeding them is a bit of a hassle because they have different foods, but we are lucky enough to gave a utility room where the dog food is stored, and can be dispensed. I have a routine, I boil the kettle ( because Molly has warm water with her food), get them both clean water, get both food bowls filled in the utility room, add a drop of warm water to one, give to dogs, job done.

Mr H likes to feed them in the evening. I watched him today.......he hovered over the feeding bowls......"I'm not sure how to do this...... I think I'll do the water first...."
"Good idea" I muttered.
Having completed the first task, he then got both food bowls and took them into the kitchen. Then he went to the utility room and collected 2 scoops of dry food for one dog, and a different scoop for the other. Then he went to the fridge and took Sally's wet food to the kitchen. Then he went back to the utility room and collected Sally's tablets and medicine and took to the kitchen. Then he assembled both dog bowls and gave to the dogs. Then he took the scoops, tablet and medicine bottles back to the utility room. I timed him. What takes me a couple of minutes, took him 6.
"Blimey" he said as the dogs were eating " it's exhausting"
"Well" I said " you certainly do it the long way round, why don't you get the food ready in the utility room?"
" Don't be so ridiculous" he snapped " I've always done it this way, there's no other way to feed
them"!!

Back to my simple way at 6am tomorrow, and my way all next week as he's away with work -  hooray!!

I wonder what the dogs think??

Hannah x

Complicating the simple things........

Mr H likes nothing better than to take something that should be very simple, and complicate it in his inimitable AS way. I find myself being dragged into his AS (or is it ArSe?) world more and more and am trying very hard to stay sane and NT!

His family (2 sisters) are big on rules and rituals, which I guess is where he gets it from. His eldest sister, I am convinced, also has AS. She rings him every Sunday morning at 11am, give or take 10 minutes. Without fail. They have a stilted conversation that lasts about 5 minutes and is mostly grumbling and moaning.  I thought that the whole idea of a telephone is to keep in touch, not to be tied down with, in fact isn't that why we have answer phones and mobiles?

But mid week last week, there was a possibility that we would be out on Sunday morning, collecting our new dog, so on Wednesday  evening, after a bit of consideration and worry, Mr H rang his sister to "pre-warn" her that he might not be in on Sunday. Fine, so on Thursday, the rescue rang to say that we could collect doggle on Saturday. So he then rang sister to tell her that he would be in on Sunday. Note I say "he", his sister has no interest in speaking to me, it's not part of the ritual.

We collected the dog, she is gorgeous and has settled well with our other dog. Sunday morning we took them both to the beach, but our older dog is a bit doddery now and can't walk far, so we agreed that we would take new dog out again later. So at 10am, I asked if he was ready for us to try and wear Molly out..........."well we can't go until after my sister has phoned" he said
"We'll be less than an hour" I counter
"She might phone early" he said.
I took dog and walked her for over an hour, as I left, I said "I'm sorry but I'm not prepared to run my life around when your sister phones"
On my return, he said "she hasn't phoned yet, it's 11.10am"

In my world, I would have missed out all the complicated "pre-warning" rubbish phone calls, and rung her Sunday at 10 am to say "hi, ringing you early because we're off out for a walk"

How simple is that?

And just to add to the phone call nonsense, Mr H is away with work this week, he will be home tomorrow  (I just can't wait)
He has just phoned me, as he does at 9.15 every night when he's away. I can set my watch by him.
"I'm off to bed now, so I'll ring you in the morning when I get to work and I'll rung you when I leave work and I'll ring you when I'm about 10 minutes away"
Good grief! Maybe I just won't answer.

Not so Great Expectations.......

What a weekend!
Mr H has again driven me to the very limits of my endurance. Over the past couple of weeks, we have had some major drainage work done in our garden, including the digging of  a 12 meter deep hole, and several trenches, with the resultant mud (lots of) and mess. I, as usual, dealt with most of the chaos on my own as Mr H was away with work, and  kept him updated with photos etc. On his arrival home on Friday, his reaction was just as I expected; " why didn't the contractors backfill the trench properly? Why did they leave that like that? Why didn't you tell them to......"
No mention of "well done love for coping on your own, it must have been horrid"
It's what I've come to expect from him; I know I won't get any positive response. Ever. So I've lowered my expectations, which means I won't be disappointed. Which is rather sad really I suppose, being so sure that your husband will respond negatively, that you don't expect anything better.

And it got worse. On Saturday, the weather was good, so he decided that we should work through a list of jobs that needed doing in the garden (no consultation with me, but I didn't expect any). First on the list was assembling a flat pack storage shelf unit for our garage. We got all the bits out, he started trying to fit bits together, then had a tantrum because it didn't fit. Of course he hadn't bothered to look at the instructions. I said nothing, read the instructions, and started assembling the unit, and once he had got over his strop, he joined in and we got the job done. After that, he had to have a rest, assisted by a bottle or so of wine as he was "exhausted", while I cooked the tea, cut the grass, did some washing and ironing, and walked the dog.

And so we come to today, I headed for the garden (after making breakfast, clearing the kitchen, running the Hoover over). Mr H did 2 jobs from his list, while I did 3. "I've worked really hard this weekend"  he said  "I'm really proud of myself, getting all those jobs done"
No more (or less) than I expected.

Hannah x

It's a control thing again......

As usual Mr H wants  to control my life, mostly I think it's benevolent, but it irritates the hell out of me!!
We were away last weekend for my 60th birthday, together with my adult kids and their partners. We went somewhere that Mr H had never been before, so he was slightly worried that he was in unknown territory, but he coped. We had a wonderful weekend, possibly helped by the fact that Mr H "didn't feel well" after too much alcohol on Friday night so spent the rest of the weekend feeling sorry for himself. More fun was had without him!
However he has been on holiday from work this week and has tried to plan my life for me,
" so on Tuesday we'll do ..........., on Wednesday we'll do ..........I've got the dentist Thursday morning then we'll do .............." The only good bit was that he decided to go fishing on Friday!
It has driven me very very close to insanity!
 I've got on with my normal chores while he's loitered about like a spare part, and when I've tried to find a bit of "me" space, it's been invaded, he's come to sit with me in the conservatory, even though he doesn't like it, because he "thinks we should be together". What I will do (apart from murder him) when he retires I don't know.
In the meantime, only 2 sleeps before he goes away with work for 3 glorious nights- I can't wait!

Hannah x

big sulk.........

Mr H has been away this week, and come home this evening. We had tea, and settled down to watch TV - well he did, I was knitting, and following a complicated pattern. He chose various programmes to watch, then made a huge fuss as I wasn't very enthusiastic, mainly because I wasn't watching! After trying very hard to engage me in watching the rubbish that he enjoys,  he stormed out and is now sitting in the conservatory, sulking!
I went out after a while and asked if he was sulking. "no" he said.
I came back into the living room turned off the TV, and carried on knitting in silence.
Happy Thursday everyone!
Hannah x

Birthday greetings.......

This post is slightly following on (yet again!) from Laura's post at Muddlingthroughaspergers, but I'm a lot older! I'm going to be 60 in  a couple of weeks, and decided I needed to celebrate, I had a party at 30, 40, and 50, but things are a bit different now, so Mr H and I decided (well I decided and he agreed) that we would book a huge luxurious holiday cottage for the weekend, and pay for my 3 sons and their girlfriends, but that the boys would treat us to one meal out for my birthday.  Mr H was up for it, (although was somewhat taken aback by the price!) but it seems he didn't think it through at all. So today, I emailed him at work, to say that I had been making a list of food to take, like bacon, eggs, BBQ stuff, wine, washing up liquid/ dishwasher tabs, and also what to buy there, and got the reply "well they can buy their own can't they?" So I assume he thinks each person should take their own food, toilet roll, washing up liquid etc.......how utterly stupid. When all's said and done, I'm their mum, feeding them is what I do, even though they're in their late 20's/early 30's. So now he's in a panic, how much it's going to cost for the weekend. I know he'll moan about this for weeks now, and I wish I hadn't bothered with the birthday bash. On the upside, he thinks he might take his fishing gear and head off to a local lake for a couple of days while the rest of us enjoy ourselves!
Will keep you posted
Hannah x

Excuses excuses.........

Mr H always has an excuse for not doing something that he doesn't want to do, and also an excuse for doing something that he shouldn't! And it's never his fault.

Today we've been doing  gardening stuff, weeding mostly. Mr H doesn't like weeding, he prefers to do something more exciting (!) like edging the lawn (which he does once a year, and a fortnight later it looks as bad as it did before, but he's happy, he's edged the lawn, the box is ticked!). So after 5 minutes weeding, he wandered off to look for newts in the pond, while I carried on with the back breaking stuff. I went to find him after a while  and asked why he wasn't helping me....." Well I'm not sure which are the weeds" was the excuse, not impressed, he could ask me if he's unsure.

After tea,  I sat in the conservatory knitting and listening to the radio, he was in the front room watching TV........or perhaps not, I wandered in at 7.30pm and he was fast asleep, as he was at 8.30, and 9.30. At 9.45pm he staggered out to tell me that he was exhausted, he was going to bed. He thinks it may be his tablets, because he has increased the dose. "Why have you increased the dose ?" I ask, "Well I thought I'd see what happened" he replied. I was speechless  (and that doesn't happen often dear reader!)
So the tablets for his IBS, which only this afternoon he told me were the best thing ever, have now made him exhausted. Nothing to do with the bottle of wine he drank then. Another excuse.

Last week, when he was away, the power went off when I put the outside lights on at night. It was raining very hard, and I assume some water  had  got into one of the lights. I got a torch, checked the circuit board, dealt with the problem. When I told Mr H, he said " you probably overloaded the circuit". Well I didn't do anything different, but he was insistent that I must have done something wrong. "Yes dear" I said, feeling slightly smug that I'm in the right!

Always excuses. So exhausted that he couldn't help me empty the dishwasher,  or let the dog out, so
busy faffing with the pond that he couldn't help me weed the garden, so busy with his AS life that we
have no normality at all.
Sometimes it exhausts me,  but it's no excuse, I just have to get on with life.


Hannah x

Beauty sleep........

I woke at 5.20 this morning, not sure what had woken me, but I could hear some odd noises in the house. As I surfaced, I realised it was the dog, wandering around in the spare bedroom. Now, she's not allowed upstairs, hasn't been for 5 years or so, and is stopped in her nocturnal wanderings by a child's stair gate at the bottom of the stairs - if, of course, the last person to come to bed remembers to shut the stair gate!
And who was the last person to come to bed last night? Yes that's right, Mr H, who had to watch the end of the news (despite having watched it earlier) and have another glass of wine, rendering him incapable of remembering to shut the stair gate.
So by the time I got out of bed and was getting my dressing gown on, dog had wandered into our room and was wagging her tail exuberantly, banging against the bed.
Mr H, stirred briefly..."is that someone banging at the door?" he mumbled
"It's the dog" I say, "you didn't shut the stair gate"
"I forgot" he replied and was snoring again within seconds, while I took dog downstairs, let her out, made a cup of tea and am now sitting, watching the rain and reflecting on how it's the little things in life that seem so unfair sometimes. Mr H made a mistake, forgot to do something  (and I'm the first to admit to making mistakes!) but he is completely oblivious to the consequences, to the effect his actions may have on anyone else, me in this case, and I am willing to bet that when he wakes up, he will have conveniently forgotten all about it, will ask if I've been up long, and will wonder why my reply is a little abrupt!
I know that this can be explained by AS, it's not just "being selfish", he focuses on himself rather than us, he can't see the bigger picture. He has no concept of how I might be feeling, no empathy. But I do find it all very wearing, and I'm generally a bit fed up at the moment, Mr H's needs always come first, whether that's his need for sleep, his need to know what he'll be eating in a weeks time, or need to watch the blasted news on TV at least twice a day! I sometimes feel that I'm scurrying around either in front of him to pre-empt and prevent problems, or behind him to pick up the pieces and deal with
the consequences, and that's really not conducive to a partnership of two adults, its sort of what I did
with my kids when they were younger.
But hey ho, I've been up nearly 2 hours now, and still he snores upstairs.
Hannah x

PS - I was right! He got up at 9am, just as I got home from walking the dog.
"Did you see the dog in our bedroom at 5.30 this morning?" I ask
"No" he says, " how did she get up there?"
"You left the stair gate open" I say
"I forgot" he says.
Happy days.........

Empathy somewhat lacking!

Mr H is away with work this week, always a joy for me! I have had a day of cleaning and ironing as the weather has been pretty changeable - glorious sunshine one minute, hailstones the next. About an hour ago I suddenly wondered if I had shut the greenhouse, so ran out into the hailstorm, skidded across the gravel, and crashed into the corner of the wooden raised bed. Instantly my leg swelled up into 2 huge lumps, and hurt. A lot. I shut the greenhouse, staggered back into the house, got some frozen peas to put on said led, and poured a glass of medicinal wine. It hurt so much I cried.
Mr H phoned at 9.15 pm  as usual - I could set my clock by him. He regaled me with the tale of his evening, and then, in passing, asked if I was ok. "Well" I said " I've really hurt my leg, crashing into the raised bed. It's really swollen, I'm sitting here with a bag of frozen peas on it"
There was a pause..........."well I hope you can get up the stairs, I'm off now, night"

I don't expect him to rush home, there's no need, but a bit of sympathy wouldn't go amiss! Never mind, if I can't get up the stairs I'll just have to bed down with the dog!

Hannah x

The right way is his way - it's an uphill struggle!

So there we were on Saturday afternoon, preparing to paint our front fence, which is quite long. Mr H had been ready to start for at least half an hour, but I had some other chores to do first, like Hoovering up the all-pervasive dog hair, and he was getting impatient, but wouldn't start on his own, goodness only knows why! I am a pretty messy painter, so got into some very scruffy, paint splattered clothes and set to. I grabbed a brush, and started on a fence panel.......
"no" says the fence painting expert, " you need to start with this one"
"Why?"
"Because it's best if you start here"
"Why?" I ask, feeling a bit like a 5 year old! "What difference does it make as long as the fence gets painted?"
He starts becoming flustered, as he does when challenged. "Well if you're going to be difficult....."
I know it's petty, but I really cannot allow myself to be dictated to and controlled all the time, sometimes I just have to rebel. I picked up my brush and carried on painting the panel I'd started. He went back into the house, and I painted the whole fence on my own. It took me 3 hours, and I was knackered afterwards, but the fence looks good, even though I didn't do it his way. This is when I struggle to tell the difference between AS and A*SE, possibly a mixture of the two. We didn't speak (or rather he didn't speak, I chattered away as usual) for the rest of the day, which was peaceful!
I usually go for keeping the peace and not upsetting him, doing things the way he wants, but it does get wearing, and I do feel like I have sold my soul.
Hannah x

Differences of opinion..........

Have had an interesting conversation with Mr H today. We had a bit of a spat this morning, over nothing really;  our front garden is being "remodelled" and mostly gravelled, but we want to put some more trees in. I had a brainwave whilst walking the dog, and said to Mr H that it would be a good idea to plan where to put the trees today, and dig the holes and mark with plant pots before the gravel goes on. 
As is his wont, he found the pompous negative, "well my thoughts on that are what if we wanted to change our minds about placing the trees? What if we don't  want to to buy trees straight away?" 
My answer  to both,  "no problem, we can wait and decide, and if the markers are there it doesn't matter when we buy the trees", but he had a bit of a tantrum, accused me of being negative (!) and said that I was deliberately trying to be difficult, and was I trying to start an argument? 
I  said "not at all, I had a thought, which I thought I would discuss with you, but it's obviously a waste of time so now I am getting on with the housework and ironing, see you later" and went upstairs to clean and iron. 
About 30 mins later he came upstairs, almost tearful, asking if we were still friends, and asking for a hug. I have to say, I find it a bit pathetic when he does this, he has created this situation, not me, but when he starts being argumentative, he can't follow it through, because he has no logical argument. I gave him a hug but really my heart wasn't in it!

Later on, we almost had another spat, but I held it back! some of you may know, his mum died 6 weeks ago, and his 60 year old sister, who is single and has always lived at home, despite having quite a high powered job, is struggling with it all. Mr H rang her today, to see how things were. He has been phoning her almost every day when he is at home (so at least 4 days a week) during the daytime, and is on the phone for up to 30 minutes, but a couple of weeks ago had a massive whinge at me for ringing my cousin once at 5.55pm which has cost us £2.50! I am looking forward to seeing our next phone bill!

Hannah x

Creative differences, and no cross words!

Sometimes I do wonder if Mr H and I are from or on different planets! Today we were watching something on TV which involved a person making a 3D sculpture of a hare from wire, it was impressive, and I said to Mr H that I really admire that ability to create your vision; I can visualise how I want colour schemes, room decor, crafts etc, but wouldn't know where to start making a 3D object. "I know what you mean" said Mr H, " I can visualise my spreadsheets at work though." And indeed he can, I have heard him on the phone talking someone through a procedure, and find it amazing that he can do that.

But this inability of his to visualise anything other than spreadsheets (!) causes us no end of niggling little problems. When we moved to this house, I had measured rooms and furniture, and was very clear in my head about what would fit and what wouldn't, Mr H, on the other hand, thought that we should just bring everything and shoehorn it into the new house, despite the fact that we were downsizing.  It didn't happen dear reader! 

If I tell him about an idea I have had for the garden, or the house, he looks puzzled, he can't imagine how it might look until I explain in graphic detail, or even draw it for him. Even then, he really has no idea until the work is done, and he will say it looks ok (although always with the caveat that he didn't think it needed changing!) Luckily, he usually gives in (after a bit of stubbornness) and I get what I want. 

I think I have totally changed my stance over the last couple of years, I don't argue, I let him think he is getting his own way but in fact I am! I put an idea into his head, and after a few weeks he thinks it's his own. Result! Today, we have been in this house 2 years, and raised a glass of fizz to celebrate. "And almost no cross words since we moved" said Mr H. "Indeed" I replied, while thinking  that  the lack of argument is due to my man management! 
Hannah x

The end of an era - so far he's coping well

Mr H's mum died in hospital on Saturday  morning. It's been pretty traumatic the past couple of weeks, (well months really) and he's been up and down the motorway to visit his mum and support his sisters. Although I feel sad that she's gone, I never really felt close to her, and she wasn't a particularly warm woman. My own parents and Mr H's dad died years ago, so we are now officially  the older generation - scary!

And he seems to be coping ok so far, when he got home for the weekend he had a bit of a weep, then reverted to "practical mode", getting things sorted and keeping busy. The upside of that is that he did a pile of ironing, the downside is that he seemed to be trying to control me more than normal. He decided that we would go out to eat every day as he "couldn't be bothered to cook", making it sound like I do nothing in the kitchen. "I can cook dear, you don't have to" I said, but no, he had decided and that was just how it had to be! So we have had a rather unhealthy diet this weekend, a fried greasy spoon breakfast, fish and chips and pizza, all his choice and not good for my half hearted attempt at healthy eating!

Anyway he's gone back to work this week although is taking some time off to get things organised with his sisters, and is away all work, so peace and quiet (and cooking!) for the dog and me. I shall get myself psyched up ready for the funeral next week, when I think his sisters will completely fall apart. Hopefully he won't.
Hannah x

Sometimes I dislike him so much.....

Can I kill him? Please?
Mr H is driving me completely insane at the moment.

 Firstly he has a cold, it's the one I have had had for the last couple of weeks, I had a couple of days where I felt pretty grim and  it's pretty vile but you get by and carry on. Unless, of course you're Mr H, when you moan, whinge, sniff, sneeze, cough and blow your nose, all very very loudly, and very very often. Yesterday, in 10 minutes, I counted 6 nose blows, 8 big sniffs, 4 coughs, 3 sneezes (with no putting hand over mouth) 6 "oh dears", 5 grunts and groans, and 4 miscellaneous weird noises. Delightful. A joy. Thank God he is working away this week.

Secondly, the ongoing saga of his mums dementia and physical illness. She is in hospital for the second time in 2 months, there is some confusion as to the diagnosis and prognosis, mostly due to the fact that his sisters are not honest with the medical / nursing staff as to her previous condition, they say that she was ok up until December when she became ill with an infection, it's not true, she has had signs of dementia for at least 5 years previously, and has been deteriorating a lot over the past 2 years. Mr H says he disagrees with them, but he doesn't, they all collude together, like a tripartite coven!

Today he went to visit his mum in hospital, I had suggested that he tried to speak to a senior nurse or a doctor to try and get some sort of handle on what is happening,  so when he got there he asked a Nurse if he could speak to a doctor. According  to Mr H the nurse said she "would send one down". Interesting, I qualified as a Nurse in 1976, have worked as a nurse ever since, and have never been able to "send " a Dr to see a relative at the drop of a hat. Of course it didn't happen, after 45 mins Mr H left, cross because the Dr didn't turn up, " maybe he was in A&E saving a life?" I suggested, Mr H grunted that " the doc was probably out having a fag" This is what makes me detest him sometimes, he us so obnoxious and has no concept of what other people might prioritise in their work, just because he deals with bits of paper, spreadsheets and not real people he thinks that's how the whole world revolves. I do so dislike him at the moment!
But I have the bliss of 3 nights "home alone" and I will enjoy them so much.

Hannah x (sorry for the rant)

Are his AS traits getting worse or is it me?

I am in a bit of a quandary dear reader, I am not sure whether Mr H's AS traits are getting worse as a result of him getting older, or whether it is a result of a bit of stress he is under at the moment
 (nothing momentous though, just a bit of regular uncertainty at work and a mum with dementia 150 miles away), but he is definitely getting worse. I also wonder whether it is my reaction to him that makes him seem worse.

I am certainly not the woman I was when I met him 15 years ago, but is that as a result of living with him and his AS in an unhappy threesome or is it because I too have got older, more sedate and placid?  Or because I want more from my life? I don't know, but I do feel lately that my life is being controlled by his needs, by how he wants to live his life by self imposed rules, and by how he wants me to live my life in the same way.
I try very hard to keep our life together on an even keel, to not rock the boat (no more nautical sayings I promise), and to avoid any arguments and potential meltdowns, by mostly giving in and letting him have his own way, even though it sometimes feels that I am his carer, I am selling my soul, and losing myself. And that saddens me very much. I have had a full and satisfying professional life, fantastic children, great friends and hobbies, but now, in my almost 60's, I don't feel that I have the freedom I deserve.

Don't get me wrong, Mr H doesn't physically stop me from doing what I want, but he makes it
difficult, wanting to know exactly where I am going, who with, what time I will be back. He tries to plan out every detail of our lives weeks in advance, not for big things like a weekend away, but for silly things like the car going in for a service, or a shopping trip to the nearest biggish town 10 miles away, even to the point of saying things like " when we go shopping in 3 weeks, if I walk the dog and then we set off at 9am..........". Does it really have to be planned so far in advance? When I went away for a night last weekend, he tried to plan my route  (no need, I have satnav), suggested which shops I might want to look in (think not Mr H, I can do my own shopping thank you) and generally tried to interfere. It's not malicious, I think, if challenged, he would say he was trying to be helpful but he's really not!

I am feeling very sorry for myself today, but I will enjoy and indulge I think, Mr H has gone to see his mum!

Hannah x

A Valentines Day tale.........

A happy Valentines Day to all my readers! It is almost 10pm, I am watching Casualty and Mr H is in bed.
I have had a rotten cold, cough and sore throat for the past 5 days, but have soldiered on with work, housework, dog and life in general, as you do.  Mr H arrived home on Thursday evening and by Friday thought he might have caught my bug and so took to his bed late afternoon, after we'd taken my car to the garage for a service, leaving me to carry on as usual. He sees nothing wrong in this, he feels unwell, therefore he has to go to bed. He cannot possibly put anyone else's needs first. Interestingly, his brother-in-law was taken to hospital on Tuesday with chest pains, and discharged the same day, Mr H suggested that he is faking it! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

His total lack of insight is one of the things that I really struggle with, together with his inability to accept that anyone should choose a different way of doing things, or choose to live their life differently. His moan this evening, before he retired to his pit at just after 8.30 pm "exhausted" was about my son's wedding in June. It's a bit unconventional to someone like me who was brought up in the 60's, but it's what they want, they are getting married in the place that they met, then a reception and evening do at a local village hall, complete with marquee, what could be better? It's all a bit DIY too, which seems to be what young people do these days, fine with me, I have yards of bunting to make so I'm happy. Mr H though, seems to think that they should get married in the register office and then have a "bit of a do" in a pub. He has no imagination or sense of fun. Thank heaven he's not organising it.
Following on from his rant about the failings of the youth of today, we watched "the voice" on TV, or rather he watched it, constantly moaning about how awful it was, while I knitted quietly on the sofa, ignoring the TV.
"This is dreadful, but there's nothing else on" he said several times. "Well switch it off then, read a book, play a game" I said.
He knew when he was defeated ( it's probably illegal to have the TV switched off on Saturday night), gave up and went to bed.

So I hope you have had a reasonable, logical and satisfactory Valentines Day!

Hannah x

Wedding fever - more control.........

My son and his gorgeous fiancée are getting married in June, I am so happy for them, they have been together for 6 years or so and she is the best daughter in law I could wish for. She is involving me in the wedding plans, I have been tasked with helping to decorate the reception venue, and she has even asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her and her mum - I feel so honoured to be asked, and am really looking forward to the  making, shopping, and the whole event.

However Mr H is finding it all a bit of a struggle, my son is not his son so he doesn't have the same connection, but I don't think he's trying too hard! He is whingeing about money, I think I said in a previous blog that we (at my insistence) are giving them £1000 as a wedding present, he is now worrying that with outfits, hotel and dog kennels, the whole kaboodle will cost us £2k. It won't, and actually he can buy a suit that will see him through a few weddings and funerals, my outfit won't be expensive, I'm not a very "dressy up" woman, and it will be reconfigured for future events. We don't have loads of money, but we are not skint and we can afford this. But he is in pessimistic mode, and can see no happiness in the occasion. It saddens and depresses me.

We have booked 2 nights in a hotel near the wedding venue, he is now worrying about getting taxis etc. This is 4 months away. I suggested we get a taxi to the ceremony venue, then there is transport organised to the reception, and we can get a taxi back to the hotel. I know that another  relative has booked into the same hotel so we could perhaps share a taxi........" But what if we don't want to leave at the same time" whines the miserable one.
And the best plan yet, he wondered if it might be worth driving to the wedding venue so that we could go back to the hotel and get changed before the reception. Get changed into what Mr H? Your pyjamas?  He thought perhaps into his jeans, the thought of wearing a suit for a few hours is purgatory for him. So the wedding party will all be in their glad rags apart from Mr H in his scruffy jeans. Nice.
To be quite honest, rather sadly, I would really rather he wasn't there, the thought of having to worry about "managing" his behaviour fills me with dread. I really want to enjoy my son's  wedding, but have a horrid feeling that it will be a bit of an ordeal.

Hannah x

Instructions set in stone - no room for manoeuvre!

A couple of weeks ago when he was working at home, Mr H made some soup, yellow split pea with frankfurters, It's a Nigella recipe, he's made it before, you cook it for ages,  add chopped up frankfurters as it heats through and it's gorgeous, real comfort food.
Today I got some out of the freezer to defrost for tea, I noticed that it looked a bit "lumpy", but heated it, added the franks and served, it tasted great but the split peas were still quite hard. Mr H began with the complaints, but stopped when I pointed out that he had actually made it, so he decided it was obviously Nigellas fault! He couldn't understand where it had all gone wrong, he had followed the recipe to the letter - and therein lies the problem. He has no concept of  "checking if it looks and tastes right", if he has followed the recipe then it has to be ok, there is no flexibility, no possibility of looking at something and deciding that it needs an extra 20 minutes or so cooking, no personalisation, no bloody common sense whatsoever!
He is now sitting in our living room, moaning that the soup wasn't very good, wondering why it wasn't, but not accepting any responsibility! He did wonder (briefly, until I put him right!) whether I had heated it up wrongly!

And as an added bonus, (and something else to moan about!) our TV satellite isn't working properly. It's been a bit "iffy" for the last couple of days, since the heavy winds and snow. I have managed fine with whatever TV I wanted to watch  (which isn't a lot) while Mr H has been away, and even, God forbid, forgot to mention the problem to him, but when I arrived home from work today he was already home and almost beside himself as HD wasn't working;  he has rung helplines, scrolled through all the menu settings, fiddled with remote controls incessantly and moaned. We will probably have to get a man in to sort it out, but in the meantime he can't believe that he has to watch TV that isn't in HD, OMG what deprivation!!

Welcome home Mr H, I sometimes think I enjoy life more when you're away!

Hannah x

Cabin fever.........

Most of the time that Mr H and I are together, I can escape to another room, or even escape the house, if I feel I need to. Today, we have spent 8 hours in close proximity, 6 of those hours in a car. We went to visit his mum, who is in her 80's, has dementia, and is slowly fading away, Mr H sees her at least every couple of weeks when he works "down south", but I hadn't seen her since last summer and felt I ought to. It's a 3 hour journey, and there is no room for us to stay there, and I wouldn't want to,  so we had to do a 6 hour drive, with a one hour visit in the middle.
We agreed to share the driving and I assumed one would drive there and the other would drive back, but no, Mr H had planned that I would drive halfway and then he would take over. Fine, no problem, but he insisted on telling me which lane to get in, which exit to take on each roundabout, and even what gear to select when descending a slightly icy hill. I have driven this route many times. I am a competent driver.  I wanted to kill him, but held back! We arrived at his mums house, had a brief visit to the old lady who had no idea who we were, a chat to his sister,  a cup of coffee and then off we went. He set off on the first leg of the drive, and then I took over, when he, yet again, started telling me how to drive.
"At the next roundabout you need to take the 3rd exit" he said. As I said, I know the road but not as well as he does, I was expecting the next roundabout any minute ......10 bloody miles later I reached it! Who on earth gives these sort of directions - oh yes, a man with AS! And to cap it all, he had to read every road sign to me, every village name,  every landmark, and as an added bonus, a countdown of how many miles/ minutes till we got to the next junction/ town/ home. It will be a very long time before I repeat the experience I hope.
Since we got home, I have lurked upstairs in my craft room / spare bedroom, 8 hours in close proximity is too much, I want to break free!!

Hannah x

Peace, perfect peace.........

It is 6.30 on Sunday morning and I am sitting in the living room with a cup of tea, cuddled up to the dog, enjoying the early morning peace and quiet, before Mr H gets up and starts organising me. It's "me time" and I love it, just to be able to read, or write, or think for an hour or so without fear of interruption, while he sleeps upstairs, no doubt dreaming of new ways of running my life!

My New Years resolution is to be more positive in my thoughts and reactions to Mr H, and I'm starting now ( although it's a bit like losing weight, I'll probably fall off the wagon after a few days!). What I have come to realise over the past few weeks, is that treating him (in my head mostly) like a child is not good for our relationship, I don't want to be his mother, we should be two adults. It's the old transactional analysis thing, if our relationship is parent / child, then we will both play those roles, and it's not healthy for us.
So I have resolved to be an adult rather than a parent, I will take time for me (even if it's at silly o'clock!), follow some of my own desires and not give in to everything that he wants me to do or be.

Quite often, I react to what I think is injustice and stubbornness from Mr H, whereas if I hold my tongue (not easy!) and keep quiet, he will often come round to my way of thinking - and I get what I want. There have been 2 examples of this over Christmas; firstly the bathroom. Our bathroom is ok, it's liveable with, but I would like a better shower, and to make better use of the small space, and for it to be a bit more modern. Mr H has always argued that it's fine and doesn't warrant spending money on, but now there is a possibility of a friend of his from the US coming to stay with us for a few weeks next year, he thinks it might be a good idea to get the bathroom done. Result!
Secondly, I said in my last post about giving my son £1000 towards his wedding, and that Mr H wasn't happy about it. Yesterday, just after I had been speaking to son and fiancée about venues etc, Mr H said that the £1000 was in our savings account and that I could take it out whenever I want. Result 2!!
So hopefully 2015 will be the year of positive thinking. Watch this space........

Hannah x

Control to base............

I have blogged before about Mr H's seemingly benign need to try to control me, my life, and how I live it; it is an irritating habit and one which I mostly try to ignore, but sometimes he sends me over the edge. He does seem to be getting worse since I went back to work;  I think it's that while I wasn't working he felt that he was "in charge, in control, the boss" (can't say that I thought that!), whereas now I'm out earning a bit of dosh, he has somehow "lost control" of me, and he can't cope with it. I have to say that 2 weeks of being at home together over Christmas may have brought this to a head too.

A couple of weeks ago we were in the living room watching drivel (his choice) on TV, when I mentioned that when I get the easy chair I want for the dining room I can sit in there with a book and the radio if I want. " I don't want you sitting in the dining room, I like to have you sitting here" says Mr H, I was quite horrified and told him that I found that rather controlling, but he really didn't get it.      " it's not controlling, it's just that I like to know where you are" he said. Just as bad I thought. In the summer, this is less of an issue, he is happy to sit in front of the TV while I am in the garden, but the winter is another story. Since then, I have made an effort to challenge him, if there is nothing I want to watch on TV I often go upstairs and rifle through my craft things in the spare room, or knit, or read. He doesn't like it, and comes upstairs to check on me every so often,  but I need to reclaim this time for myself.

Yesterday evening, Mr H rang me (at his prescribed time of 6pm!)
" this time on Friday I'll be home" he said.
"Yes dear" I said.
 " and we're taking your car in for an MOT a week on Friday" he said
That's 9 days away, the garage is a 5 minute drive away, no need really to plan it so far in advance. If he has a better offer, I can walk home.
"Good grief" I said "that's ages away"
"No need to be short with me, I like to be organised" he snapped.
I told him I had to get my tea out of the oven and ended the call. It drives me insane, my cars MOT is nothing to do with him, I am perfectly capable of booking it in, taking it and collecting it. I do not need to be controlled!
The thing, I suppose, is that it's all about him, he is the centre of his universe, and he sees everything through Mr H tinted glasses, if there is a faint possibility that he might be required to drive 5 minutes down the road to pick me up from the garage, he needs to plan it in his head in great detail. I, on the other hand, won't even think about it again until a week on Friday!

I was just about to post this when he rang again......he is thinking about my sons wedding in July .....  " I was thinking" he said " when you go shopping for your wedding outfit, I think I'll come with you"
" no you bloody well won't" I said " I'd rather wear a bin bag than go shopping with you and have you try to control what I should buy"

He is sulking now, I have hurt his feelings. But it's another example of his total lack of understanding of our relationship, of women, of me. If asked, he would describe himself as supportive, generous, understanding......he is none of these.

We will survive I am sure ( always the optimist) , but some "me time" with my knitting in the spare room will be necessary if I am to survive in good humour!

Hannah x