when I met my husband, (H) almost 18 years ago now, we were both in our mid 40's and living 200 miles apart. We both had children, he saw his children every weekend, I had my teenage boys living with me. We both managed our houses, our gardens, our full time jobs and our lives to the best of our abilities. His housework was pretty sketchy, and his garden had no soul. My house was welcoming, clean and tidy, and my garden was getting better by the year.
After 5 years together in a long distance relationship, H was made redundant but was offered a new job in my part of the country, we agreed that he could move in with me. My boys (only one living at home by then and one at uni) approved. There was some "bedding in" discussions as to who did what. Seems to me, looking back, I worked full time, did all the housework, laundry, garden, bins, shopping. I did those things to my (probably not brilliant but acceptable) standards. He worked full time and did a bit of cooking if it suited him, but I cleared the resulting chaos. I remember having a meltdown one Friday when I got home from work and had to clean bedrooms and make up beds for his visiting children, because he was late home from work. We got a cleaner for a while, until I reduced my work hours, when he was quite happy to let me get on with it all again.
Fast forward 13 years, no children at home, we've moved to the other side of the country (I wonder who managed the move?), we are on our second dog. I don't go out to work but do some community work and volunteer at a local charity shop one day a week. He works 25 hours a week, some of that from home.
I do all the general housework, dust, Hoover, strip beds, clear cupboards, fridges, clean toilets, all the
boring general stuff. He has no interest in any of this. Occasionally he does a bit of ironing, or puts a wash on, (if it's in his best interests) and he has to tell me in great detail what he's done, and what an absolute hero he is.
Until recently I have done the lions share of the gardening, but for some reason he has now become the garden expert. Apparently I don't cut the grass properly, don't water the greenhouse properly, don't prune properly. Dear god, how on earth did I manage before I met him? He now spends hours wandering round the garden, cutting the grass (takes him over an hour, takes me 20 mins!), deadheading roses, getting a few leaves out of the pond, and then telling me in great detail what he has done.
And shopping! After years of being left to shop on my own (quite happily), now he's got time on his hands he thinks we should shop together. What joy. What fun. Luckily we do a big shop online,
which I do, although now he checks it to make sure I've ordered the things he wants. He seems to be taking control of what we eat as well, this life is no fun at all.
Monday, 4 September 2017
Monday, 12 June 2017
Mental load
I haven't posted for a very long time but I'm still here. Just. Keeping on keeping on.
I've read quite a lot recently about the mental load that women take on within relationships. More so I suggest when their partners are AS.
Mr H doesn't feel the need to retain any relevant information, like what needs to go on the shopping list, what the neighbours are called, and more importantly which bin goes out on which day, and although there's a list on the notice board, it's obviously much easier to ask me, the keeper of all knowledge. I'm bloody sick of it. I've stopped saying "grey bin, Wednesday", I now say "don't know".
Him " have I got a birthday card for my sister?" (Yes really)!
Me "don't know"
Him " is the milk in date?"
Me "don't know"
Him " is The dishwasher emptied?"
Me "don't know"
Etc etc
He asks these questions because he's too idle to remember or to look. Drives me insane.
In my head are birthdays, events, important dates, visits to and from kids, shopping lists, stuff to be done in the house and garden, cleaning, decorating, grasscutting, bins, village stuff like the flower festival, community stuff, window cleaners, presents and cards to buy, hairdressers, dentist, chiropodist, GP check ups, prescriptions, friends, volunteering duties, vets for dog, flea and worming for dog........and on and on and in and on........
In his head is work stuff, his beloved spreadsheets and finances. That's it. He can tell me in an instant how much money we have in various accounts to within £1. I have no idea, I checked a few weeks ago when I was "getting my ducks in a row", wrote it down and hid in my purse, but can't remember!
A few weeks (mid April) ago he was compiling some info to send to his accountant.
Him "When did we move here? "
Me "April 4th"
Him "what year?"
Me " what?"
Him " I can't remember everything!"
What's more astounding is that only the week before, I'd said that it was 4 years since we'd moved here.
But hey, why retain anything when you've got a wife to bear the mental load?
I've read quite a lot recently about the mental load that women take on within relationships. More so I suggest when their partners are AS.
Mr H doesn't feel the need to retain any relevant information, like what needs to go on the shopping list, what the neighbours are called, and more importantly which bin goes out on which day, and although there's a list on the notice board, it's obviously much easier to ask me, the keeper of all knowledge. I'm bloody sick of it. I've stopped saying "grey bin, Wednesday", I now say "don't know".
Him " have I got a birthday card for my sister?" (Yes really)!
Me "don't know"
Him " is the milk in date?"
Me "don't know"
Him " is The dishwasher emptied?"
Me "don't know"
Etc etc
He asks these questions because he's too idle to remember or to look. Drives me insane.
In my head are birthdays, events, important dates, visits to and from kids, shopping lists, stuff to be done in the house and garden, cleaning, decorating, grasscutting, bins, village stuff like the flower festival, community stuff, window cleaners, presents and cards to buy, hairdressers, dentist, chiropodist, GP check ups, prescriptions, friends, volunteering duties, vets for dog, flea and worming for dog........and on and on and in and on........
In his head is work stuff, his beloved spreadsheets and finances. That's it. He can tell me in an instant how much money we have in various accounts to within £1. I have no idea, I checked a few weeks ago when I was "getting my ducks in a row", wrote it down and hid in my purse, but can't remember!
A few weeks (mid April) ago he was compiling some info to send to his accountant.
Him "When did we move here? "
Me "April 4th"
Him "what year?"
Me " what?"
Him " I can't remember everything!"
What's more astounding is that only the week before, I'd said that it was 4 years since we'd moved here.
But hey, why retain anything when you've got a wife to bear the mental load?
Thursday, 24 December 2015
I wish I could cancel Christmas..........
It's Christmas Eve, and I am desperately wishing that it was January 4th when Mr H goes back to work. The weather here is dreadful so I can't get out anywhere and I have severe cabin fever, and Mr H is driving me INSANE. Sips of wine, whilst cooking and prepping veg are helping a bit.
My middle son and DIL came for a pre-Christmas couple of days and my youngest son and GF will be coming on 29th December for a couple of days. My eldest son is having a bit of a strop and isn't speaking to anyone. That's another story. So it's just Mr H and I for the jolly holidays. But it's not jolly. At all.
Last week I had a bit of a bug, sore throat, high temp, cough, etc, I medicated myself and got on with life. Mr H started with the same symptoms on Sunday, just as my son and DIL arrived, and he moaned and whinged, couldn't eat much, had to go to bed at 5pm on the Monday. Yes really. Barely spoke during the present opening.
Yesterday morning we went to our nearest market town, 11 miles away, to collect ordered meat and buy veg and last minute stuff. He had planned it like a military operation......
"We'll get up, have a quick cup of tea, drive over there, we should be there by 8am, get the meat, put it in the car, get the veg, put it in the car, get any supermarket stuff, put it in the car" .........you get the picture I'm sure. Everything went to (his) plan and we were home by 9.30 to walk the dogs.
Today I got up at 5.30am as my cough had returned and I didn't want to wake him, so I sat downstairs coughing with a cup of tea and cuddling the dogs.
At 7.30 I took him a cup of tea...."I woke at 5.30" I said, " I was coughing so I didn't want to disturb you"
No reply.
30 minutes later he says "I've got a bad cough".
He has coughed and spluttered loudly all day. But more than that, he has done nothing, absolutely
nothing. He has sat in a chair, gazing at the switched off TV. Or he has hovered in the kitchen, putting things away that I am using. Or he has paced around the house like a caged tiger, gazing out
of each window for a minute or so. In an effort to escape, I went upstairs to finish the ironing.....after 15 minutes he came upstairs......."oh you're doing the ironing" he said. " no, I'm waiting for the elves to do it" I replied.
What I do know, is that I cannot spend another Christmas like this, with him and his misery. Next year, I will suggest that we either go away, or out to eat on the day, or that he cooks. I really can't be arsed to do it all again, for no appreciation and thanks whatsoever. I think I'd like to book into a hotel on my own, with a lot of books to read, music to listen to, and some nice wine!
Merry Christmas and a Happy 2016 to you all.
Hannah x
My middle son and DIL came for a pre-Christmas couple of days and my youngest son and GF will be coming on 29th December for a couple of days. My eldest son is having a bit of a strop and isn't speaking to anyone. That's another story. So it's just Mr H and I for the jolly holidays. But it's not jolly. At all.
Last week I had a bit of a bug, sore throat, high temp, cough, etc, I medicated myself and got on with life. Mr H started with the same symptoms on Sunday, just as my son and DIL arrived, and he moaned and whinged, couldn't eat much, had to go to bed at 5pm on the Monday. Yes really. Barely spoke during the present opening.
Yesterday morning we went to our nearest market town, 11 miles away, to collect ordered meat and buy veg and last minute stuff. He had planned it like a military operation......
"We'll get up, have a quick cup of tea, drive over there, we should be there by 8am, get the meat, put it in the car, get the veg, put it in the car, get any supermarket stuff, put it in the car" .........you get the picture I'm sure. Everything went to (his) plan and we were home by 9.30 to walk the dogs.
Today I got up at 5.30am as my cough had returned and I didn't want to wake him, so I sat downstairs coughing with a cup of tea and cuddling the dogs.
At 7.30 I took him a cup of tea...."I woke at 5.30" I said, " I was coughing so I didn't want to disturb you"
No reply.
30 minutes later he says "I've got a bad cough".
He has coughed and spluttered loudly all day. But more than that, he has done nothing, absolutely
nothing. He has sat in a chair, gazing at the switched off TV. Or he has hovered in the kitchen, putting things away that I am using. Or he has paced around the house like a caged tiger, gazing out
of each window for a minute or so. In an effort to escape, I went upstairs to finish the ironing.....after 15 minutes he came upstairs......."oh you're doing the ironing" he said. " no, I'm waiting for the elves to do it" I replied.
What I do know, is that I cannot spend another Christmas like this, with him and his misery. Next year, I will suggest that we either go away, or out to eat on the day, or that he cooks. I really can't be arsed to do it all again, for no appreciation and thanks whatsoever. I think I'd like to book into a hotel on my own, with a lot of books to read, music to listen to, and some nice wine!
Merry Christmas and a Happy 2016 to you all.
Hannah x
Friday, 11 December 2015
We wish you a merry Christmas........
Tis the season of goodwill to all men......and I'm trying hard to extend some goodwill to Mr H, although he is trying my patience to it's absolute limit.
He doesn't like Christmas, he thinks it's an expensive waste of time and money, he doesn't see the point of a tree, or any decorations. Before we moved in together, he never had a Christmas tree, despite having young children, and he gave them one present each, no stocking fillers or fun things.
In fact no fun at all really. This lack of fun, lack of joy is hard to bear sometimes. I suppose it's partly that Christmas upsets his routines, his plan of how things should be at any given time.
I love Christmas, and refuse to let him put a dampener on it for me, we have a real tree, even though it will just be the two of us for the big day itself, with various offspring and their partners visiting before and after. I like buying little fun gifts for him, even though he will open them without comment and put them in a drawer, never to be seen again, this happens every year but still I keep trying! I will get no surprises from him, I chose and ordered my present from him in august and he has put it away to be given to me on Christmas Day.
Tomorrow I am off on a day trip to a Christmas market with 3 girlfriends, and absolutely no husbands! I can't wait. I'm so looking forward to browsing round, without someone impatiently tapping their foot behind me. We will be having lunch out and several coffee and cake stops. Mr H, of course, despite not getting into the Christmas spirit at all, doesn't really like the idea of me gallivanting about without him, and keeps trying to control the trip from a distance......telling me what to do; " keep an eye out for pickpockets, don't get separated from your friends ( I'm 60, not 6!) don't miss the bus back...." And the final straw last evening "you'll have to ring me and let me know what you have for lunch and where".
I lost patience and said " I'm not ringing you unless there's an emergency, and I expect the same from you, I'm looking forward to this day out and I don't want half-hourly updates on your day" ( he has a habit of ringing me to tell me what he's eaten, that he has a headache/ stomach ache etc)
I knew as soon as I'd said it that he would sulk, we didn't speak for the rest of the evening - which was bliss!
Merry Christmas everyone xx
He doesn't like Christmas, he thinks it's an expensive waste of time and money, he doesn't see the point of a tree, or any decorations. Before we moved in together, he never had a Christmas tree, despite having young children, and he gave them one present each, no stocking fillers or fun things.
In fact no fun at all really. This lack of fun, lack of joy is hard to bear sometimes. I suppose it's partly that Christmas upsets his routines, his plan of how things should be at any given time.
I love Christmas, and refuse to let him put a dampener on it for me, we have a real tree, even though it will just be the two of us for the big day itself, with various offspring and their partners visiting before and after. I like buying little fun gifts for him, even though he will open them without comment and put them in a drawer, never to be seen again, this happens every year but still I keep trying! I will get no surprises from him, I chose and ordered my present from him in august and he has put it away to be given to me on Christmas Day.
Tomorrow I am off on a day trip to a Christmas market with 3 girlfriends, and absolutely no husbands! I can't wait. I'm so looking forward to browsing round, without someone impatiently tapping their foot behind me. We will be having lunch out and several coffee and cake stops. Mr H, of course, despite not getting into the Christmas spirit at all, doesn't really like the idea of me gallivanting about without him, and keeps trying to control the trip from a distance......telling me what to do; " keep an eye out for pickpockets, don't get separated from your friends ( I'm 60, not 6!) don't miss the bus back...." And the final straw last evening "you'll have to ring me and let me know what you have for lunch and where".
I lost patience and said " I'm not ringing you unless there's an emergency, and I expect the same from you, I'm looking forward to this day out and I don't want half-hourly updates on your day" ( he has a habit of ringing me to tell me what he's eaten, that he has a headache/ stomach ache etc)
I knew as soon as I'd said it that he would sulk, we didn't speak for the rest of the evening - which was bliss!
Merry Christmas everyone xx
Wednesday, 11 November 2015
Aspergated
Sadly, I have just come to the realisation that I have become totally and utterly and completely aspergated over the 15 years of this AS/ NT relationship. I have read other people saying this, but I never really identified with it before.
On Monday night, after Mr H had gone off to work for 3 glorious days and nights, (and for the first time in several weeks I was completely on my own, not with Mr H, or looking after my Sister in Law), I had a bit of a crisis. I had a glass of wine and I sat and cried, and wished I was dead. And I also wished he was dead. I can see no way forward, no happy outcome. I think thus is a temporary blip for me, I am normally an optimistic person. He likes the fact that he can label himself as "autistic", without a definitive diagnosis, but sees it almost as a badge of honour. He thinks it's funny, an excuse for his odd behaviours. "I can't help it It's my autism" he quips. He has no insight whatsoever into how it really affects either of us, and our relationship, indeed one of his mantras is "I am what I am and I can't change". In other words take me or leave me.
His benign (or is it?) need to control every aspect of his life, and as I am an extension of him, every aspect of my life, has turned me into a person that I don't recognise. Gone is the feisty, outspoken, feminist, professional woman I once was, now I'm a cowed, controlled, peacemaker, saying "yes dear" and letting him have his way for the sake of a quiet life. I have allowed this to happen, and I don't know why. With the benefit of hindsight, I should have stopped it or left years ago.
He decides when we get up, when we go to bed, what we eat, when we eat it. He is clever though, he says "we'll do ......if it's Ok with you". But if it's not ok with me, if I don't toe the line, he sulks, big style. I do resist, but then have to bear the fallout of the sulk, and the "not speaking" for days. He decides what we will watch on TV, I realised last week that I hadn't seen any of the Christmas ads that people were talking about - why? he only watches BBC because he won't watch the ads. I hadn't realised. TV is not a big thing for me, I tend not to watch it if I'm on my own, but I hadn't realised how restricted I was by his preferences.
He persuaded me that it was best if I didn't work once we moved to this house, and althoughI rebelled briefly and got a job, the company folded when I had been there 6 months and he was ecstatic, he'd won! He said "well I said you didn't need to work". He oversees the shopping (I do a big shop online but he feels the need to check it), he decides what we should spend and on what, and worst of all, I have allowed him to control my money. I have a few investments from when I took redundancy a few years ago, but he managed them for me, and so can check them online. Why on earth did I allow that? So I can't take money out without him seeing, apart from my isa, not that I particularly want to, but it's the not being able to that has made me realise just how controlled I am.
In my misery on Monday, I thought seriously about leaving him, I worked out how much money I would have if we divided everything, and yes I could afford to buy myself a very very small house, or a flat, but I wouldn't have any savings left.
So sadly, I think I stay with him for financial reasons, and I'm not proud of myself for that. I am over
60 now, and with some health problems, it would be hard for me to get a job. I would be happy to live on my own, I've done it before. I don't love him any more, I just can't love a man who behaves like a child a lot of the time, with sulks and bad behaviour that makes me feel on edge if we are with other people, even family. But we do rub along together ok some of the time, and even have fun occasionally. But not often. Most of the time my life is pretty miserable.
What a sad and negative post this is, sorry.
I need to buck my ideas up I think.
Hannah x
Sunday, 8 November 2015
Rigid regimes......and losing out
Mr H loves to stick rigidly to his regimes and rules, and is adamant that he cannot move from them. One of his rules is that, when he works away, for 3 nights every other week he has to get up at 5.30am, therefore he has to go to bed at 9.15pm. On the dot. No question about it, he will go off to bed during an interesting TV programme because he has to go at 9.15. It's the rule.
So.......every 6 weeks or so, when he is away, he meets up with his daughter and son for a meal in the evening, usually at about 6.30pm. I would imagine it's a pretty sparse affair, they meet, eat, chat very briefly, and he escapes as quickly as possible to get back to his friend's house so that he can be in bed by 9.30pm (presumably before the witches get him!), he has done his duty, all boxes are ticked.
But to throw a spanner into the works, his lovely 23 year old daughter has a new job as a nanny, she will be working until 7pm every day.
So the miserable tosspot that is Mr H, is planning to tell his daughter that he can't possibly meet her at 7.30pm once every 6 weeks, because he has to get up at 5.30am, which would mean that he would get 7 hours sleep once every 6-8 weeks instead of 8! We are talking going to bed an hour later one night every 6 - 8 weeks! He has regaled me with this rubbish for several hours today, I have said that I think he is being a little selfish........I got a lot of abuse and whingeing about how his children don't fit in with his needs.
And I know this is all about the AS, but really it is not an excuse, he is a human being, a father, but what a miserable, self centred tw*t he is. He has no concept of the fact that other people have other plans too. If I was his daughter I think I would give him up as a waste of space.
All I can say is he will be damned lucky if these kids stick with him, his 2 eldest from his first marriage have no contact with him at all, because they, as adults, wouldn't jump to his rules, and consequently he has never seen his 4 grandchildren.
Sad but true. And entirely his fault. And so sorry that this post is so very negative.
Hannah x
So.......every 6 weeks or so, when he is away, he meets up with his daughter and son for a meal in the evening, usually at about 6.30pm. I would imagine it's a pretty sparse affair, they meet, eat, chat very briefly, and he escapes as quickly as possible to get back to his friend's house so that he can be in bed by 9.30pm (presumably before the witches get him!), he has done his duty, all boxes are ticked.
But to throw a spanner into the works, his lovely 23 year old daughter has a new job as a nanny, she will be working until 7pm every day.
So the miserable tosspot that is Mr H, is planning to tell his daughter that he can't possibly meet her at 7.30pm once every 6 weeks, because he has to get up at 5.30am, which would mean that he would get 7 hours sleep once every 6-8 weeks instead of 8! We are talking going to bed an hour later one night every 6 - 8 weeks! He has regaled me with this rubbish for several hours today, I have said that I think he is being a little selfish........I got a lot of abuse and whingeing about how his children don't fit in with his needs.
And I know this is all about the AS, but really it is not an excuse, he is a human being, a father, but what a miserable, self centred tw*t he is. He has no concept of the fact that other people have other plans too. If I was his daughter I think I would give him up as a waste of space.
All I can say is he will be damned lucky if these kids stick with him, his 2 eldest from his first marriage have no contact with him at all, because they, as adults, wouldn't jump to his rules, and consequently he has never seen his 4 grandchildren.
Sad but true. And entirely his fault. And so sorry that this post is so very negative.
Hannah x
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
Not my fault at all.......
Once again I'm following on from a post by muddlingthroughaspergers, sometimes all of us NT partners seem to be living parallel lives.
My DH is never wrong, if something goes wrong in his life it's not his fault. It's my fault, or someone else's fault. Never ever his fault.
On Monday we drove over to Manchester for a concert, it was foggy. I drove the first 1.5 hours cross country. It wasn't a fun drive, but he moaned all the time, moaned about tractors on the roads (it's a rural agricultural area), moaned about the fog ( well we can't change the weather), moaned about my slow driving (through thick fog on country roads!)
He drove the other 1.5 hours of the journey on the motorway, through fog, like a bloody lunatic. It was my car so I am waiting for the letter telling me I was speeding, when I will say no I wasn't, he was. He can add it to his other speeding points.
We arrived safely in the big city, no thanks to him, did a bit of shopping, and met up with my middle son and DIL for a meal before the gig.
Before they arrived he constantly whinged that
(1) they wouldn't turn up, or .....
(2) they would be late so we'd miss the start of the gig....
(3) the food bill for 4 would be very expensive (despite the fact that we take my kids out for dinner about once a year whereas he takes his kids out every month!) and it wasn't dear, was a really cheap night out.
What really hacks me off with this AS business, is that I'm the one who has to do all the accommodating, and when it doesn't work, when I haven't accommodated enough, I feel guilty, like I've failed.
Someone wrote this on a forum, and it upset me, because, for me, it implied that the NT partner was to blame for the AS partners behaviour.
"When my ASP doesn't do what I want or what I would expect of a partner, I try to remind myself of the mantra 'no expectations', and then think about whether I asked him clearly enough, forgot to ask him, or whether my expectation was unrealistic for the circumstances"
For me, that is such a downer, to think that all of my husbands negativity, misery, whingeing, is my fault, because I didn't handle it well. May as well give up now I think.
Oh well
Hannah x
My DH is never wrong, if something goes wrong in his life it's not his fault. It's my fault, or someone else's fault. Never ever his fault.
On Monday we drove over to Manchester for a concert, it was foggy. I drove the first 1.5 hours cross country. It wasn't a fun drive, but he moaned all the time, moaned about tractors on the roads (it's a rural agricultural area), moaned about the fog ( well we can't change the weather), moaned about my slow driving (through thick fog on country roads!)
He drove the other 1.5 hours of the journey on the motorway, through fog, like a bloody lunatic. It was my car so I am waiting for the letter telling me I was speeding, when I will say no I wasn't, he was. He can add it to his other speeding points.
We arrived safely in the big city, no thanks to him, did a bit of shopping, and met up with my middle son and DIL for a meal before the gig.
Before they arrived he constantly whinged that
(1) they wouldn't turn up, or .....
(2) they would be late so we'd miss the start of the gig....
(3) the food bill for 4 would be very expensive (despite the fact that we take my kids out for dinner about once a year whereas he takes his kids out every month!) and it wasn't dear, was a really cheap night out.
What really hacks me off with this AS business, is that I'm the one who has to do all the accommodating, and when it doesn't work, when I haven't accommodated enough, I feel guilty, like I've failed.
Someone wrote this on a forum, and it upset me, because, for me, it implied that the NT partner was to blame for the AS partners behaviour.
"When my ASP doesn't do what I want or what I would expect of a partner, I try to remind myself of the mantra 'no expectations', and then think about whether I asked him clearly enough, forgot to ask him, or whether my expectation was unrealistic for the circumstances"
For me, that is such a downer, to think that all of my husbands negativity, misery, whingeing, is my fault, because I didn't handle it well. May as well give up now I think.
Oh well
Hannah x
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