Well we survived Christmas, without too much hassle, and without me murdering Mr H, although there were one or two moments when I was tempted! We had a quiet Christmas Day on our own, then 2 of my sons and partners came for 4 days, which was busy to say the least!
Mr H was doing well, coping with the influx of guests ok, but then had a crisis in that his mum, who lives 3 hours drive away, was rushed into hospital over the weekend. I assumed he would want to go down, and offered to go with him, leaving our guests here with the dog, but no, he hadn't planned to go so obviously couldn't make a spontaneous trip! Unbelievable! This crisis, of course, has caused arguments between him and one of his sisters (the other sister is desperately trying to keep the peace) as he feels she is to blame for not getting the GP in before. And inevitably there has to be blame, mr H cannot accept that things happen that are no-ones fault. He can't just keep quiet and wait for the chaos to die down before speaking to his sister either, he has to have a row on the phone, and then be very scathing when his sister is upset. Stupid man. Anyway he has gone to see his mum today, so I am having a bit of much needed respite from him!
The other issue we have had is over money, yet again. One of my sons got engaged on Christmas Day, and they are hoping to get married in July or August, so it was very exciting when they were here, talking about possible wedding plans, they don't want to spend a huge amount of money but do want to have a lovely day. After they left yesterday, Mr H said to me " we need to ask them what they want for a wedding present, no more than £200"! This is the man who has just spent £700 on a music system that HE wanted. I would love to be able to give both my 3 and his 2 kids a few thousand each towards weddings or houses, but when there are 5 of them, it has to be rationed a bit, we just don't have that sort of money, but we can easily afford this. "well, I'm giving them money, I have always said to you
that they can all have £1000 each towards either a wedding or a house. If you don't like it, I'll take it out of my isa." I said. He nearly fell down the stairs ( and I wish he had). The hand flapping started as he was doing calculations in his head....."that's £5000 in total" he said, "yes but not all at the same time" I replied. He went to have a shower and to try to gather more ammunition! When he came out he was ready with his next argument....." That means each wedding will cost us about £5000, when you add cost of outfits, and overnight accommodation, and putting the dog in kennels....."
" so" I say " we are giving the happy couple a gift of £1000, I'm not sure what you are planning to wear dear but my outfit won't cost more than £300 max, a hotel won't be more than £200, the dog tends not to book into the Hilton, and her kennels cost £20 a night. So, that's £1540, which gives you £3460 to spend on a suit. I look forward to seeing you in it"
At which point I gathered the dog and went for a walk!
When I came back he said nothing. So my plan is to wait until my son lets me know the date, then I will give him the money, out of my isa.
I am absolutely furious with Mr H, he is mean with money (my bloody money! Unless it is for something that he wants for himself) and more to the point, mean spirited.
And another thing, I can't get the bloody £700 music system to play any music, so as far as I'm concerned it's a £700 radio! Useless.
Hannah x
Wednesday, 31 December 2014
Saturday, 20 December 2014
More joys of Christmas, and a meltdown avoided!
Father Christmas has arrived early for Mr H as his £700 music player thingy arrived on Thursday, just as he got home from work. We had planned to decorate the tree, but of course that immediately had to come second to unpacking the beast and getting it up and running, he was totally engrossed. I left him to it and busied myself with other things but was conscious of occasional muttering and cursing. "All ok?" I ask, "I can't seem to get it to recognise some of our music on iTunes " he says. Of course he hasn't read the instruction manual that came with it ( the size of a telephone directory!) because he doesn't think he needs to. He becomes increasingly frustated and irritated. "If it can't read iTunes I don't know what we'll do, he whines, we'll have to get all the cd 's out and go back to using them" in our previous house, we had over 300 CDs, but a lot more space, there is no room here to display them (hence they are in 3 plastic boxes in the garage, and all on the laptop/ iPod). "Where would you suggest we put 300 cd's ? it will have to go back if it's not fit for purpose "I say, which almost tips him over the edge. "If you want to send it back then we will" he starts shouting, picking up the packing cases. I was tempted to say " well don't shout at me, you ordered the bloody thing, I would have assumed that you did your research as to its capabilities" , but I kept quiet. I put my coat on, got the dog and went for a long walk.
When I got back an hour later, his mood had changed, he was happy. He had phoned the helpline and sorted the problem. I won't bore you with the technical details. But suffice it to say he is happy playing with his new toy for the time being - until another must-have gadget comes to his attention.
I do so hate these dark winter days with Mr H, especially being "cooped up" at home when he is off work. At least in the summer I can escape to the garden. It's the shortest day today, so roll on spring!
Have a good Christmas all.
Hannah x
When I got back an hour later, his mood had changed, he was happy. He had phoned the helpline and sorted the problem. I won't bore you with the technical details. But suffice it to say he is happy playing with his new toy for the time being - until another must-have gadget comes to his attention.
I do so hate these dark winter days with Mr H, especially being "cooped up" at home when he is off work. At least in the summer I can escape to the garden. It's the shortest day today, so roll on spring!
Have a good Christmas all.
Hannah x
Monday, 15 December 2014
The joy of Christmas - or rather the joy of spending money
Mr H and I have a spending wish list, mostly for things in the house and garden, such as getting the garden fencing replaced, getting the loft boarded, getting the bathroom replaced, and getting some half decent conservatory furniture. Some of my wishes are different to his, but I tend to work with the principle that we get the necessities done first then negotiate. If I mention in passing " it'll be great if/ when we get the bathroom done", Mr H takes it as a demand from me (not sure why as it isn't at all) and goes into mini meltdown, with hand flapping and borderline hysterical cries of "I can't do everything, you will have to prioritise". That is one of the reasons that I have gone back to work, so that I feel I have more control over our joint finances, and so that I feel I am contributing more to the things that we want and need to do.
Ha Ha! Life's not like that.
So we went out on Saturday, bought a Christmas tree, had lunch out and generally had quite a pleasant time. We got home and I went upstairs (with a glass of wine - it's compulsory!) to do the ironing. 30 minutes later, Mr H came upstairs to show me an advert for a music system that he's been coveting. "Well add it to the list" I say. Off he went, 15 minutes later he came back to tell me he'd ordered it. It costs over £700. "It's our joint Christmas present" he told me. We have never, ever spent that much money on presents for each other. Well thank you so much Mr H, that's my salary, And I could, and would, have spent it better, had I been given a choice. He cannot understand why I am not ecstatic, and told me that there was no pleasing me!
He really is so very very selfish, once he gets a desire for something, be it this sound system, or fishing gear or whatever, he has to have it, regardless of the impact on our joint finances. Sometimes I really do not like him at all.
Hannah x
Ha Ha! Life's not like that.
So we went out on Saturday, bought a Christmas tree, had lunch out and generally had quite a pleasant time. We got home and I went upstairs (with a glass of wine - it's compulsory!) to do the ironing. 30 minutes later, Mr H came upstairs to show me an advert for a music system that he's been coveting. "Well add it to the list" I say. Off he went, 15 minutes later he came back to tell me he'd ordered it. It costs over £700. "It's our joint Christmas present" he told me. We have never, ever spent that much money on presents for each other. Well thank you so much Mr H, that's my salary, And I could, and would, have spent it better, had I been given a choice. He cannot understand why I am not ecstatic, and told me that there was no pleasing me!
He really is so very very selfish, once he gets a desire for something, be it this sound system, or fishing gear or whatever, he has to have it, regardless of the impact on our joint finances. Sometimes I really do not like him at all.
Hannah x
Sunday, 7 December 2014
Planning your life away..........
Sometimes I think that Mr H's life can't be much fun, it must be difficult to be so tied up by your rituals and regimes, and to have to over analyse and over plan every detail of life.
This weekends panic has been caused by Christmas. You'd have thought that after 50 odd years he would have realised that it happens every year, but apparently not, it seems to have snuck up on him. Now, he doesn't have to do anything much, I buy and wrap almost everything, including for his mum, his sisters and his adult children, all he has to do is deliver them to their intended recipients.
So we had 4 bags of presents in the spare room, he is seeing his mum and sisters this week, and his adult children next week, but decided last week that he would take all the bags with him this week, just in case he forgot them next week! He has wittered about this all weekend, and even got to the point of putting the bags into the car yesterday afternoon, then came back into the house with 2 of the bags, having decided, after much thought, that he would leave the bags for his children here until next week, because the bedroom at his friends (where he stays when he works away) isn't very big, and if he had the bags in there he wouldn't have room to put his socks on!
How I kept a straight face I do not know, although I did have to have a walk up the garden for a subversive giggle! But giggling apart, life must be pretty grim when your head is filled with plans for how you will get dressed 3 days in advance, I cannot comprehend how or why you would think about such a thing, and it made me think that although I moan about Mr H and his weird foibles, and how they impact on me, life isn't always fun for him either.
But hey ho, he's off to work so some much needed peace for me.
Hannah x
This weekends panic has been caused by Christmas. You'd have thought that after 50 odd years he would have realised that it happens every year, but apparently not, it seems to have snuck up on him. Now, he doesn't have to do anything much, I buy and wrap almost everything, including for his mum, his sisters and his adult children, all he has to do is deliver them to their intended recipients.
So we had 4 bags of presents in the spare room, he is seeing his mum and sisters this week, and his adult children next week, but decided last week that he would take all the bags with him this week, just in case he forgot them next week! He has wittered about this all weekend, and even got to the point of putting the bags into the car yesterday afternoon, then came back into the house with 2 of the bags, having decided, after much thought, that he would leave the bags for his children here until next week, because the bedroom at his friends (where he stays when he works away) isn't very big, and if he had the bags in there he wouldn't have room to put his socks on!
How I kept a straight face I do not know, although I did have to have a walk up the garden for a subversive giggle! But giggling apart, life must be pretty grim when your head is filled with plans for how you will get dressed 3 days in advance, I cannot comprehend how or why you would think about such a thing, and it made me think that although I moan about Mr H and his weird foibles, and how they impact on me, life isn't always fun for him either.
But hey ho, he's off to work so some much needed peace for me.
Hannah x
Monday, 24 November 2014
Ailments to the max!!
I have said many times on this blog that Mr H is a hypochondriac. Funnily enough, the friend that he stays with when he works away is also one, Mr H tells me in great detail that his friend is a hypochondriac but doesn't seem to realise that he is one too. He is so self obsessed, and so pathetic, since we have lived here (18 months) I have been to the GP once for a new patient check, he has been probably once every 2 months.
His latest ailment is that he has wittered for a couple of weeks that he has a bit of a lump on the palm of his hand, I have looked and felt, and think it may be a nodule on a tendon, it doesn't hurt and doesn't restrict movement. He is worried though that it might be cancer, despite me telling him that I gave never known anyone die of hand cancer.
It all became too much for him so he made an appointment at the GP's, he decided that he would also mention a "Nasty cough " that he thinks he has although I haven't noticed it, and also a varicose vein on his leg. Lucky GP, 3 ailments for the price of one! Back he came, GP said the lump on his hand was a nodule on a tendon and no problem, the varicose vein in his leg may need surgery in the future but not now, and his cough is due to his hiatus hernia. So he lives to fight another day!
I am so sick and tired (and bored if I am honest) of this hypochondraical man, who moans constantly about his various minor ailments, none of which are of any importance, apart from the importance to him. If I complain of anything (which is rare) he has to try and outdo me; if I say my back hurts, his is much worse, etc etc, good job I had a hysterectomy a few years ago or else he would be saying his period pains were worse than mine!
Thank heaven he is working away this week, three nights of sanity for me!
Hannah x
His latest ailment is that he has wittered for a couple of weeks that he has a bit of a lump on the palm of his hand, I have looked and felt, and think it may be a nodule on a tendon, it doesn't hurt and doesn't restrict movement. He is worried though that it might be cancer, despite me telling him that I gave never known anyone die of hand cancer.
It all became too much for him so he made an appointment at the GP's, he decided that he would also mention a "Nasty cough " that he thinks he has although I haven't noticed it, and also a varicose vein on his leg. Lucky GP, 3 ailments for the price of one! Back he came, GP said the lump on his hand was a nodule on a tendon and no problem, the varicose vein in his leg may need surgery in the future but not now, and his cough is due to his hiatus hernia. So he lives to fight another day!
I am so sick and tired (and bored if I am honest) of this hypochondraical man, who moans constantly about his various minor ailments, none of which are of any importance, apart from the importance to him. If I complain of anything (which is rare) he has to try and outdo me; if I say my back hurts, his is much worse, etc etc, good job I had a hysterectomy a few years ago or else he would be saying his period pains were worse than mine!
Thank heaven he is working away this week, three nights of sanity for me!
Hannah x
Monday, 17 November 2014
A working woman, but more ailments
Well, I'm not sure where to start!
Since we moved here 18 months ago, I haven't worked (well not paid employment, I have worked very hard at home) although I took early retirement from my last job and have a pension. I intended to find work, but the reality of project managing home improvements, builders, plumbers etc etc meant the it was easier for me not to work. Mr H agreed, in fact he commented, (several times) that he liked me being at home so he didn't have to worry about chores. I suggest there may be an element of control there, he likes to think that he knows where I am and what I am up to. Over the past 6 months or so, I have begun to be a bit bored at home, and have looked out for jobs, a month ago, I saw something part time that I fancied and was well qualified for, and applied. Mr H, in his inimitable (and very predictable) way, went for the negative spin. "You won't get it because you're too old, if you get it you won't like it, how will you manage walking the dog before work when I'm not here, and on and on". Well, dear reader, I got the job, and am now in my second week, and am enjoying it so far. Mr H, of course, continues to be a miserable tw*t. Last week when I started, he was working away so my working had no impact on him. This week, he's working at home and it's a different story altogether.
I arrived home from my gruelling day at the coal face (!) to find Mr H sitting in front of the TV which was turned off. He hasn't hoovered, I get no offer of a welcome home cuppa, at least the dog was pleased to see me!
"I don't feel very well" he whined. The dog whined in sympathy - I think I would be pretty depressed too if I had spent the day in Mr H's company.
"You've probably got that bug I had, never mind, I am fine now so it won't last long" I say, having gone to bed at 7 yesterday feeling rotten, but making no fuss (and it is probably the first time in years that I've taken to my bed!)
10 minutes later he comes into the kitchen to tell me he feels dreadful and is going to bed - it's 4.30pm. I honestly think he is doing this because I have gone against his wishes and got a job, it's his way of punishing me. Well it's not really a punishment Mr H, I'll watch what I want to on TV with the
dog for company.
What next eh?
Hannah x
Update, 2 hours later he rises from his pit and comes downstairs, ruining my plans of an evening of
peace. He thinks he feels better now. I have cooked and eaten my tea. "What will I eat"? He whines. "Whatever you want dear, I've had mine" I am looking forward to work tomorrow!
Since we moved here 18 months ago, I haven't worked (well not paid employment, I have worked very hard at home) although I took early retirement from my last job and have a pension. I intended to find work, but the reality of project managing home improvements, builders, plumbers etc etc meant the it was easier for me not to work. Mr H agreed, in fact he commented, (several times) that he liked me being at home so he didn't have to worry about chores. I suggest there may be an element of control there, he likes to think that he knows where I am and what I am up to. Over the past 6 months or so, I have begun to be a bit bored at home, and have looked out for jobs, a month ago, I saw something part time that I fancied and was well qualified for, and applied. Mr H, in his inimitable (and very predictable) way, went for the negative spin. "You won't get it because you're too old, if you get it you won't like it, how will you manage walking the dog before work when I'm not here, and on and on". Well, dear reader, I got the job, and am now in my second week, and am enjoying it so far. Mr H, of course, continues to be a miserable tw*t. Last week when I started, he was working away so my working had no impact on him. This week, he's working at home and it's a different story altogether.
I arrived home from my gruelling day at the coal face (!) to find Mr H sitting in front of the TV which was turned off. He hasn't hoovered, I get no offer of a welcome home cuppa, at least the dog was pleased to see me!
"I don't feel very well" he whined. The dog whined in sympathy - I think I would be pretty depressed too if I had spent the day in Mr H's company.
"You've probably got that bug I had, never mind, I am fine now so it won't last long" I say, having gone to bed at 7 yesterday feeling rotten, but making no fuss (and it is probably the first time in years that I've taken to my bed!)
10 minutes later he comes into the kitchen to tell me he feels dreadful and is going to bed - it's 4.30pm. I honestly think he is doing this because I have gone against his wishes and got a job, it's his way of punishing me. Well it's not really a punishment Mr H, I'll watch what I want to on TV with the
dog for company.
What next eh?
Hannah x
Update, 2 hours later he rises from his pit and comes downstairs, ruining my plans of an evening of
peace. He thinks he feels better now. I have cooked and eaten my tea. "What will I eat"? He whines. "Whatever you want dear, I've had mine" I am looking forward to work tomorrow!
Sunday, 9 November 2014
Are we on different planets?
Mr H and I have had 2 conversations today that have made me wonder whether we inhabit the same world.
Firstly, we were watching a TV programme about WW1, and about the ordinary men who went to fight for their country. I mentioned a book I had read called "The last fighting Tommy"
Yes, says Mr H, "I've read it, R (my son) bought it for me last Christmas"
No, I say, I bought it for myself and then you read it about 2 years ago.
Immediately he is defensive, has to argue the point, has to be right. I concede, but know I am right
( although he made me doubt myself so have just checked my order history on amazon!)
So has he made this tale up because he can't remember the truth?
Secondly we saw something on TV about extreme weather, "do you remember when I had to drive through that flash flood in august? How scary was that?" I said
" it wasn't august, it was February, and you weren't driving, I was" he said
Ok, I say, "check your phone, you took a picture, it will have a date on, and you will be able to see if you were in the drivers or passenger seat"
He did, it was august, he was in the passenger seat. He has gone to bed, sulking as he was wrong.
I am beginning to wonder (very scarily) whether this is "just" AS or maybe something more. He sometimes seems to be totally out of touch with reality, but manages to hold down a quite high-powered job. I need to think a bit more.
Hannah x
Firstly, we were watching a TV programme about WW1, and about the ordinary men who went to fight for their country. I mentioned a book I had read called "The last fighting Tommy"
Yes, says Mr H, "I've read it, R (my son) bought it for me last Christmas"
No, I say, I bought it for myself and then you read it about 2 years ago.
Immediately he is defensive, has to argue the point, has to be right. I concede, but know I am right
( although he made me doubt myself so have just checked my order history on amazon!)
So has he made this tale up because he can't remember the truth?
Secondly we saw something on TV about extreme weather, "do you remember when I had to drive through that flash flood in august? How scary was that?" I said
" it wasn't august, it was February, and you weren't driving, I was" he said
Ok, I say, "check your phone, you took a picture, it will have a date on, and you will be able to see if you were in the drivers or passenger seat"
He did, it was august, he was in the passenger seat. He has gone to bed, sulking as he was wrong.
I am beginning to wonder (very scarily) whether this is "just" AS or maybe something more. He sometimes seems to be totally out of touch with reality, but manages to hold down a quite high-powered job. I need to think a bit more.
Hannah x
Tuesday, 28 October 2014
Rebel Rebel........
Mr H's need to control me and my life, even from a distance, drives me insane, and this week I have rebelled! Me, a 58 year old rebel! Get in!!
We have wanted a chest of drawers for our landing for ages, have trawled antiques shops etc, but last week I found the perfect one on eBay and just a few (25) miles away, and for a good price. Mr H, of course, was not convinced, although he liked the picture, he had to try and find the negative.
Him "is it the right size"?
Me "well yes because I have measured"
Him " what if it is rubbish"?
Me " well the seller says he accepts returns, so no problem"
I have taken the opportunity of Mr H being away this week, and have put in an offer for the chest, won it and told Mr H on the phone.
He immediately tried , as he always does, to take control.
Him " that's great, (although with the caveat "I hope it's ok") we'll go and pick it up on Friday"
Me " the vendor is away Friday so I'm picking it up tomorrow afternoon"
Him (panic rising as he realises he hast lost control) " you will need to go through the town centre"
Me " yes, but I have satnav, and I've done it several times before"
Him " it will be getting dark"
Me " I have been driving for 30 odd years, if I can't drive in the dark, I don't deserve to have a licence."
He is panicking, he isn't able to control me, he likes the idea that I am in the house when he is away, where he knows where I am, not wandering the countryside, ebaying! he has sent me countless texts about possible roadworks, diversions, suggestions, do I want to wait a week to pick it up until he can come with me? No I bloody well don't, I will do it myself, rebel that I am!!
Hannah x
We have wanted a chest of drawers for our landing for ages, have trawled antiques shops etc, but last week I found the perfect one on eBay and just a few (25) miles away, and for a good price. Mr H, of course, was not convinced, although he liked the picture, he had to try and find the negative.
Him "is it the right size"?
Me "well yes because I have measured"
Him " what if it is rubbish"?
Me " well the seller says he accepts returns, so no problem"
I have taken the opportunity of Mr H being away this week, and have put in an offer for the chest, won it and told Mr H on the phone.
He immediately tried , as he always does, to take control.
Him " that's great, (although with the caveat "I hope it's ok") we'll go and pick it up on Friday"
Me " the vendor is away Friday so I'm picking it up tomorrow afternoon"
Him (panic rising as he realises he hast lost control) " you will need to go through the town centre"
Me " yes, but I have satnav, and I've done it several times before"
Him " it will be getting dark"
Me " I have been driving for 30 odd years, if I can't drive in the dark, I don't deserve to have a licence."
He is panicking, he isn't able to control me, he likes the idea that I am in the house when he is away, where he knows where I am, not wandering the countryside, ebaying! he has sent me countless texts about possible roadworks, diversions, suggestions, do I want to wait a week to pick it up until he can come with me? No I bloody well don't, I will do it myself, rebel that I am!!
Hannah x
Wednesday, 22 October 2014
A weekend away, and talking about Aspergers!
Last weekend I went away with a friend for a couple of nights, and we had a fabulous time shopping, drinking wine, talking and eating. Not necessarily in that order! We spent a lot of time talking (or moaning!) about our husbands, as women do. My friend's husband is a senior civil servant, who has what I think are lots of AS traits, for example no empathy, no emotion, selfishness, rituals and set routines etc etc. He has always been much the same but she feels he is getting worse now in his mid 50's. She has confronted him recently about their relationship, but he won't discuss, and he describes "putting things away in a box in his head" as his way of dealing with difficult or emotional situations, such as when his father died recently. When I described some of Mr H's less endearing traits and suggested that I think he has AS, my friend had a lightbulb moment, but knows that her husband wouldn't accept diagnosis.
So we are in the same depressing boat, 2 women in our mid / late 50s, feeling completely trapped in our marriages. We agreed that it's not all bad, that our husbands do have some redeeming features, (hers is good at DIY, not too sure what mine is good at!) but that we mostly feel pretty ground down, demoralised and miserable by putting their needs first all the time, and by not having our needs met.
We came to realise that in order to stay in our marriages, and to stay sane, we have to both find other ways of getting "positive strokes", either through work, friends, children, grandchildren.
It's a sad realisation that your marriage is never going to meet or fulfil your needs, but trying to find a positive slant, I am so lucky that I have some wonderful friends and we support each other .
Hannah x
PS, when I got home, after a 4 hour drive, Mr H greeted me, not with a kiss, or a cup of tea, but with an update on his toothache, followed by a list of things he had done while I was away, hoovered, cleaned the sink, done a load of washing. I was tempted to drive straight back off!
So we are in the same depressing boat, 2 women in our mid / late 50s, feeling completely trapped in our marriages. We agreed that it's not all bad, that our husbands do have some redeeming features, (hers is good at DIY, not too sure what mine is good at!) but that we mostly feel pretty ground down, demoralised and miserable by putting their needs first all the time, and by not having our needs met.
We came to realise that in order to stay in our marriages, and to stay sane, we have to both find other ways of getting "positive strokes", either through work, friends, children, grandchildren.
It's a sad realisation that your marriage is never going to meet or fulfil your needs, but trying to find a positive slant, I am so lucky that I have some wonderful friends and we support each other .
Hannah x
PS, when I got home, after a 4 hour drive, Mr H greeted me, not with a kiss, or a cup of tea, but with an update on his toothache, followed by a list of things he had done while I was away, hoovered, cleaned the sink, done a load of washing. I was tempted to drive straight back off!
Saturday, 4 October 2014
Happy holidays
Mr H has been at home for the past 2 weeks, and I have to say I am sick of the sight of him! He worked at home for a week and then had a weeks holiday, and he has spent that week hanging around the house, being grumpy, moaning and whingeing about his toothache (yes dear reader, the toothache is ongoing, 2 trips to the dentist, a course of antibiotics and countless painkillers later), his indigestion, the weather ( too warm, too dry, too windy, too cloudy etc etc). He really doesn't know what to do with himself when not working, so I am dreading him retiring in a couple of years. It's not as if there is nothing to do, there are plenty of jobs to get on with in the house and garden, it's just that he can't just "do" something spontaneously, it has to be planned. So instead of looking at the garden and thinking " the grass needs cutting, I'll do it now, it'll only take half an hour" like a normal person would, Mr H thinks " the grass needs cutting so i'll schedule it in my plans for the day after tomorrow". Consequently he almost never cuts the grass because I do it when it needs doing, same as with any other house and garden chores. This week he has also been nagging me to clear the summerhouse out ready for winter ( he has been nagging me to do it since august bank holiday), as things like cushions get a bit damp and need putting away, but as we are still in the grip of an Indian summer, there's no need to do it just yet. This is upsetting Mr H because in his head, summer is over by the end of August and we should be snowed in, in front of a blazing fire with our winter woollies on, I, on the other hand, am enjoying this last bit of summer and will not be bullied into winter mode. And it is bullying sometimes, he goes on and on about whatever his current focus is, until he wears me down and I give in. Not this time though, summer can carry on till Christmas for me. The thing is, yet again, it won't take long to do, 30 minutes max, but I know it is driving him mad!
Oh well, he's away next week, and I can't wait.
Hannah x
Oh well, he's away next week, and I can't wait.
Hannah x
Tuesday, 23 September 2014
TV - his one great love
Mr H is working at home this week, which involves sitting at the computer all day, troubleshooting, and getting up sporadically to moan about various people that he works with who have the audacity to contact him, asking him to problem solve. He claims to have been busy today, although possibly not as busy as me, having cleaned the whole house, washing, dog to vets, cleared loads in the garden and had a bonfire. Oh, and almost finished knitting a cardigan for a friends daughter who is about to have a baby.
He finished work at 4pm, and came to find me in the garden to tell me that he was exhausted, so was going to sit down. He has been sitting down all day. 30 minutes later I went into the house to find him sitting in the living room staring at the switched off TV. "I'm trying to wind down" he said.
"Why don't you take the dog for a quick walk? Or read your book? Or do something in the garden?" I asked.
" no I'll just sit here" he said.
For heavens sake, he really is unbelievable!!!
I sat outside in the glorious warm evening sunshine until it was getting too dark to see, and then came in to join him with his mistress, the TV, in a ménage a trois!
Him "Is there anything you want to watch?"
Me " I wouldn't mind watching ........"
Him "well there's nothing on so we'll watch this"
Me " jolly good, it's nice to have a choice"
Him " are you being sarcastic?"
Me " well I probably was, but I think it was wasted on you"
I give up. Have taken my knitting and the radio into the rather chilly conservatory, but at least it's better than watching absolute rubbish on TV.
Hannah x
He finished work at 4pm, and came to find me in the garden to tell me that he was exhausted, so was going to sit down. He has been sitting down all day. 30 minutes later I went into the house to find him sitting in the living room staring at the switched off TV. "I'm trying to wind down" he said.
"Why don't you take the dog for a quick walk? Or read your book? Or do something in the garden?" I asked.
" no I'll just sit here" he said.
For heavens sake, he really is unbelievable!!!
I sat outside in the glorious warm evening sunshine until it was getting too dark to see, and then came in to join him with his mistress, the TV, in a ménage a trois!
Him "Is there anything you want to watch?"
Me " I wouldn't mind watching ........"
Him "well there's nothing on so we'll watch this"
Me " jolly good, it's nice to have a choice"
Him " are you being sarcastic?"
Me " well I probably was, but I think it was wasted on you"
I give up. Have taken my knitting and the radio into the rather chilly conservatory, but at least it's better than watching absolute rubbish on TV.
Hannah x
Sunday, 21 September 2014
Toothache........ the sequel!
I said in my last post that Mr H had predicted a "grim weekend" as he had toothache; well, dear reader, he was right. He has moaned incessantly all weekend and has driven me almost insane with his whingeing, despite taking as many painkillers as possible, which he has of course, done noisily, particularly in the middle of the night, with no consideration for disturbing my sleep. His melodramatic clutching of his jaw and moaning is presumably meant to bring out my caring, sympathetic side, it doesn't, it irritates me beyond words, and reinforces my belief that he is quite pathetic. His latest ploy is a countdown till his dental appointment; " it'll be all sorted in 36 hours"....."in 24 hours and 10 minutes I'll be at the dentist" etc etc. after the third countdown I went and sat in the greenhouse!
To add to the miserable scenario, we had a guest on Saturday night, Mr H's only friend, who hasn't been to see us for 4 years, although Mr H sees him a couple of times a month when he's working away; he's a single man in his mid 50's who I think also has undiagnosed Aspergers, presumably that's why they are friends. He's a pleasant enough chap, but like most AS men, he likes things to be his own way, can't cope with change and has to have his little rituals, one of which was a very convoluted route to get here because he didn't want to drive through any town centres that he didn't know. Consequently a 2.5 hour journey took him nearly 4 hours - I'm not sure he'll come again!
So I had the delightful experience of a Saturday night with 2 AS men, thank heaven the dog is NT, at least we were reasonably well balanced - 2 AS men, 2 NT females! I played the social game for a while, cooked a meal for them, ate with them, made social chit chat, and then let them commune over their love of the TV, while I caught up on Facebook.
Said friend departed at 7.30 this morning, eager to get home to his safe haven as quickly as possible. Mr H resumed his tooth whingeing, I did usual chores, stripped washed and remade guest bed, bit of gardening, etc etc. Mr H didn't do a lot because he "didn't want to kick his toothache off" .
He's gone to bed now, he and his toothache! Dog and I are enjoying the peace.
Hannah x
To add to the miserable scenario, we had a guest on Saturday night, Mr H's only friend, who hasn't been to see us for 4 years, although Mr H sees him a couple of times a month when he's working away; he's a single man in his mid 50's who I think also has undiagnosed Aspergers, presumably that's why they are friends. He's a pleasant enough chap, but like most AS men, he likes things to be his own way, can't cope with change and has to have his little rituals, one of which was a very convoluted route to get here because he didn't want to drive through any town centres that he didn't know. Consequently a 2.5 hour journey took him nearly 4 hours - I'm not sure he'll come again!
So I had the delightful experience of a Saturday night with 2 AS men, thank heaven the dog is NT, at least we were reasonably well balanced - 2 AS men, 2 NT females! I played the social game for a while, cooked a meal for them, ate with them, made social chit chat, and then let them commune over their love of the TV, while I caught up on Facebook.
Said friend departed at 7.30 this morning, eager to get home to his safe haven as quickly as possible. Mr H resumed his tooth whingeing, I did usual chores, stripped washed and remade guest bed, bit of gardening, etc etc. Mr H didn't do a lot because he "didn't want to kick his toothache off" .
He's gone to bed now, he and his toothache! Dog and I are enjoying the peace.
Hannah x
Wednesday, 17 September 2014
Another day - another ailment!
When Mr H has something slightly wrong with him, a minor ailment, it becomes the centre of his universe, and he thinks it should be the centre of mine too. It's not!
He went off to work on Monday ok ( he is working away all week) but by Monday night he had developed a bit of toothache, which he duly reported to me by phone. On Tuesday morning he still had it apparently (although it didn't stop him eating!) , so he rang his dentist, and then rang me, incensed because he can't get seen until Monday. The thing is, he is an absolute baby when it comes to any discomfort and wants it sorted instantly. This evening he has rung me to report how many ibuprofen he has taken, and how much pain he is still in. He has however, managed to go out for a meal and whack down a pizza. His plan is now to ring the dentist tomorrow and insist he is seen ASAP.
He has said that "we are in for a grim weekend" .
You may be Mr H, I will decamp to sleep in the spare room I think, let you suffer in peace!
I sometimes get the odd day of toothache, live with it for a day or two and away it goes. If it carries on I go to the dentist. No big fuss. In fact I remember a few years ago I had very bad toothache for a couple of weeks which woke me in the night Mr H complained that I disturbed him. At the moment I have really bad backache, caused by scrubbing the kitchen floor, but haven't mentioned it to him, there is no point, any pain he has is so much worse!
The trouble is, if I raise anything with him, he takes it as a personal insult and gets offended, and consequently sulks for days. Easier to keep quiet I think and feel I'm the better person.
Hannah x
Monday, 15 September 2014
Aspergers Happy Families
Mr H's mum came to stay last weekend, she is in her 80's and dementia has kicked in so it wasn't really a fun filled visit. Since I have known her (15 years) I have always thought her a bit odd; she has never shown any interest at all in her grandchildren (Mr H is the only one of her 3 children to reproduce, and he has 3 adult children aged 20 - 36), she never mentions them at all.
His sister, who at 62 is single and lives with mum, is odd too, has lots of anxieties and rituals, and cannot cope with any change in routine, despite having a very senior job at the local authority. She has notepads detailing every car journey she has ever made over the past 40 years, including times of departure and arrival, and mileage. His other sister aged 56 lives round the corner with her partner, no children. They live an odd, very insular existence, very interdependent, they shun new technology (indeed any technology,) don't use the internet or mobile phones. Mr H is the most normal of the bunch, which is saying something! It is interesting to see them all together with Mr H, and I do wonder what a psychologist would make of them all. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when they're at home.
When they are up here with us it is all a bit of a struggle, Mum in law doesn't really want to be here, she is happier at home where she feels safe and secure, that's the nature of dementia. Because she is out of her comfort zone, she becomes distressed, irritable and stroppy, saying things like " I need to go and look after my mum" ( her mum died 60 years ago) and "well I don't like it here, I'm walking home"
I say "off you go then, only 120 miles!"
I have explained to Mr H many times that this is not his mum, it's the dementia that makes her behave like this, but he doesn't seem to be able to get it, and gets irritated by his mum being irritable!
Mr H and his sister cannot or will not recognise this as dementia, they dismiss it as "she's a bit forgetful", and dismiss her occasional incontinence as " little accidents". I have suggested that they get some help, or see the GP in case there is any medication that will help, but his sister doesn't want any "interfering health workers" involved, (bit of an insult to me, a nurse for 40 years!), so they struggle on, pretending that the inevitable deterioration isn't happening, and avoiding any change in the status quo of their lives. It's very sad, this inability to accept change.
They've gone home now, I'm lying down in a darkened room!
Hannah x
Tuesday, 2 September 2014
Who needs Friends
Mr H doesn't have any friends, apart from an old workmate, a guy he's been mates with for 30 odd years, who also, in my humble opinion, has undiagnosed aspergers. Mr H doesn't seem to have any need or desire to meet new people, and seems to think that it's "him and me against the world", and almost resents any intrusion into our life together. I'm probably not the most outgoing socialite either (only child, quite happy with my own company), but I do like people, and like to have some female friends. In our previous home I had good neighbours and a couple of close friends, and when we moved to this very rural area ( our village has about 25 houses and no social hub), I went out to meet people. I joined a local womens group and subsequently met and made friends with about 5 women in the village; we meet up for coffee, dog walk together, do crafts together and have a good laugh. I feel that I could call on them in a crisis, and hope they feel they could call on me.
A few weeks ago however, a guy who lives on the outskirts of the village called round to drum up support for a residents association, Mr H said we were interested and that we would go to the next meeting. The next meeting is tomorrow, and although Mr H is away for the week, he is twitching on the phone to me about it, wanting to know whether I am going. The upshot is, he doesn't want me to go to the meeting, he thinks this man is "too pushy", " he has been round twice unannounced".
What? I didn't realise people had to pre book in order to ring our doorbell. I'd better warn the postman! I said to him that I will decide tomorrow whether or not I go to the meeting, and that he cannot dictate to me who I do and don't see. He's not a happy bunny, his world may be breached by an intruder!
I worry for him in the future, if I were to die first he would have no supportive friends. He seems to be very happy living in isolation with me, I am not happy living in isolation with him.
Where next?
Hannah x
A few weeks ago however, a guy who lives on the outskirts of the village called round to drum up support for a residents association, Mr H said we were interested and that we would go to the next meeting. The next meeting is tomorrow, and although Mr H is away for the week, he is twitching on the phone to me about it, wanting to know whether I am going. The upshot is, he doesn't want me to go to the meeting, he thinks this man is "too pushy", " he has been round twice unannounced".
What? I didn't realise people had to pre book in order to ring our doorbell. I'd better warn the postman! I said to him that I will decide tomorrow whether or not I go to the meeting, and that he cannot dictate to me who I do and don't see. He's not a happy bunny, his world may be breached by an intruder!
I worry for him in the future, if I were to die first he would have no supportive friends. He seems to be very happy living in isolation with me, I am not happy living in isolation with him.
Where next?
Hannah x
Monday, 25 August 2014
Struggling with this Aspergers thing
I've not posted for ages, I've been really trying very very hard to be positive around Mr H, and also we have had visitors for the past 3 weekends - downside of living fairly near the coast! But his constant desire to have things his way have almost caused a fight this weekend. I say almost, because I have backed down as usual so as not to accelerate things. Several things have driven me to the edge over the past week or so.
1. When our adult children visit, Mr H is keen for them to leave as close to lunchtime as possible on the Sunday, this works for me too, as I can get on with stripping beds etc, but, as ever, he takes it all too far. My eldest son and girlfriend were here this weekend, arrived Friday evening, planned to leave Sunday after lunch. Mr H decided that in order to prevent them "hanging around all afternoon" he would book a table at a local pub for lunch, so he booked for 12 midday. All well and good but who wants to eat a massive Sunday lunch at 12? The kids (not kids as such, in their 20's!) didn't surface till 11ish, so we got there, ordered, and none of us managed to eat more than a few mouthfuls. Total waste of money. I have said to him several times (this has happened before) that it might be better to offer them a huge breakfast/brunch before sending them on their way. He is considering it.
2. The weather. Mr H seems to think that weather forecasts are true, so he will plan something because the BBC say that it won't rain until 5pm. When it rains at 4, he is distraught, his plans are ruined!
3. Crowds and public events. Yesterday afternoon there was an air display just a few miles from home, including a display by the red arrows, off we went, had to park in a ploughed field which he wasn't happy with, then the crowds upset him somewhat. Not sure what he had expected but the promise of a flypast by 2 Lancaster bombers was always going to attract a crowd. He decided that he didn't want to wait to see the red arrows as we'd be able to see it from home. Of course we didn't. He moaned because the Lancasters flypast was early, moaned because there were huge queues for the ice cream vans, moaned because I'd left the bottle of water in the car moaned because when we got home we couldn't see the red arrows. Moaned and moaned and moaned. Boring man.
4. Not listening/ expecting instant response to his questions. It's our wedding anniversary today, 10 years of bliss - ha ha! We had a fairly good day, walked the dog, nice breakfast etc, I burnt a load of garden rubbish while he faffed with the computer, and came out several times to tell me that it was going to rain - it didn't. Later on it all went wrong again, he asked me to do something, (so pathetic, I had the TV remote and he wanted me to turn the volume up) I said "in a minute", he wanted it doing immediately and insisted that I hadn't responded to him. I agreed with him, that I had obviously imagined that I had spoken. He accepts this, not realising that I think he is a tw*t. Happy anniversary, he is now asleep in front of the TV in the front room, due to several glasses of wine. He managed to wake up to eat, and after our evening meal I joined him in the living room, he was moaning that he was cold. I offered to put the heating on......"there's no point when the back door's wide open" he says. I pointed out that he had seen me shut the back door over an hour previously. "I forgot" he said.
I wonder if we are actually on the same planet, never mind in the same house.
This is so very very boring. I know that his Aspergers is mostly why he behaves like this, but he is
sometimes a very unpleasant tyrant and bully and I sometimes wish I had never married him.
Hannah x
1. When our adult children visit, Mr H is keen for them to leave as close to lunchtime as possible on the Sunday, this works for me too, as I can get on with stripping beds etc, but, as ever, he takes it all too far. My eldest son and girlfriend were here this weekend, arrived Friday evening, planned to leave Sunday after lunch. Mr H decided that in order to prevent them "hanging around all afternoon" he would book a table at a local pub for lunch, so he booked for 12 midday. All well and good but who wants to eat a massive Sunday lunch at 12? The kids (not kids as such, in their 20's!) didn't surface till 11ish, so we got there, ordered, and none of us managed to eat more than a few mouthfuls. Total waste of money. I have said to him several times (this has happened before) that it might be better to offer them a huge breakfast/brunch before sending them on their way. He is considering it.
2. The weather. Mr H seems to think that weather forecasts are true, so he will plan something because the BBC say that it won't rain until 5pm. When it rains at 4, he is distraught, his plans are ruined!
3. Crowds and public events. Yesterday afternoon there was an air display just a few miles from home, including a display by the red arrows, off we went, had to park in a ploughed field which he wasn't happy with, then the crowds upset him somewhat. Not sure what he had expected but the promise of a flypast by 2 Lancaster bombers was always going to attract a crowd. He decided that he didn't want to wait to see the red arrows as we'd be able to see it from home. Of course we didn't. He moaned because the Lancasters flypast was early, moaned because there were huge queues for the ice cream vans, moaned because I'd left the bottle of water in the car moaned because when we got home we couldn't see the red arrows. Moaned and moaned and moaned. Boring man.
4. Not listening/ expecting instant response to his questions. It's our wedding anniversary today, 10 years of bliss - ha ha! We had a fairly good day, walked the dog, nice breakfast etc, I burnt a load of garden rubbish while he faffed with the computer, and came out several times to tell me that it was going to rain - it didn't. Later on it all went wrong again, he asked me to do something, (so pathetic, I had the TV remote and he wanted me to turn the volume up) I said "in a minute", he wanted it doing immediately and insisted that I hadn't responded to him. I agreed with him, that I had obviously imagined that I had spoken. He accepts this, not realising that I think he is a tw*t. Happy anniversary, he is now asleep in front of the TV in the front room, due to several glasses of wine. He managed to wake up to eat, and after our evening meal I joined him in the living room, he was moaning that he was cold. I offered to put the heating on......"there's no point when the back door's wide open" he says. I pointed out that he had seen me shut the back door over an hour previously. "I forgot" he said.
I wonder if we are actually on the same planet, never mind in the same house.
This is so very very boring. I know that his Aspergers is mostly why he behaves like this, but he is
sometimes a very unpleasant tyrant and bully and I sometimes wish I had never married him.
Hannah x
Sunday, 3 August 2014
The selfishness goes on and on.........
We had an old friend to stay on Friday night, an old friend of mine really, the husband of my best friend who died a few years ago, he and I keep in touch and try to meet up once a year. He didn't arrive till 8pm and Mr H had been at the bottle beforehand, but we had a lovely evening catching up and didn't get to bed till 1am, so were both suffering from lack of sleep and too much wine yesterday, but we all went out for lunch and had a great day. Our guest left at 4pm, Mr H poured himself a drink and settled down to watch TV - after all we didn't watch any on Friday and he was having withdrawal symptoms - but he fell asleep within minutes, and slept until 9ish. Now in the meantime, I stripped the guest bed and washed the bedding, emptied the dishwasher, fed the dog etc etc. he slept. At 9.30 I went to bed, leaving him in front of the TV with more wine, and telling him that I had a glass of water for us both.
I slept for an hour until he came crashing up to bed, moaning that I hadn't brought him a glass of water. I pointed it out to him (surprise surprise "well I couldn't see it") and told him I was fed up with his selfishness and noisiness. His response? "Oh for gods sake, do you want me to live in Bradford?" Now it's not a bad idea, it's a 3 hour drive away, but I have no idea why he said that, we've never been to Bradford!
Anyway of course I lay in bed fuming for an hour or so while he snored, I got a few hours sleep before being woken by a dog desperate for a wee at 6am, let her out and sat downstairs with a cup of tea. His lordship descended at 8am
Me " did you let the dog out before you came to bed?"
Him " no, I forgot"
How can you forget to let the dog out before you go to bed?
And then there's today's selfishness, we had a leisurely breakfast with the papers until 11 when Mr H decided that he felt "dreadful" and returned to bed. I have remade the spare bed, cut the grass, done some weeding, 2 loads of washing; walked and fed said dog and generally completed household
chores, he got up for an hour, told me how bad he felt, and wandered aimlessly about, then returned to his pit, still feeling "dreadful" and possibly caused, he thinks by his tablets, not by the weekend consumption of alcohol. He hasn't done a thing today apart from feel sorry for himself.
Spare room for me tonight I think, where I can read, listen to music on the iPod, and generally relax without disturbing him, and without him disturbing me!
Hannah x
Oh, just as I pressed "publish" he came downstairs again to tell me that he felt awful and his legs hurt (why? He's done nothing) but thought he might sit and watch TV for a bit. Do I care? Not a lot, am in the garden with the iPod. X
I slept for an hour until he came crashing up to bed, moaning that I hadn't brought him a glass of water. I pointed it out to him (surprise surprise "well I couldn't see it") and told him I was fed up with his selfishness and noisiness. His response? "Oh for gods sake, do you want me to live in Bradford?" Now it's not a bad idea, it's a 3 hour drive away, but I have no idea why he said that, we've never been to Bradford!
Anyway of course I lay in bed fuming for an hour or so while he snored, I got a few hours sleep before being woken by a dog desperate for a wee at 6am, let her out and sat downstairs with a cup of tea. His lordship descended at 8am
Me " did you let the dog out before you came to bed?"
Him " no, I forgot"
How can you forget to let the dog out before you go to bed?
And then there's today's selfishness, we had a leisurely breakfast with the papers until 11 when Mr H decided that he felt "dreadful" and returned to bed. I have remade the spare bed, cut the grass, done some weeding, 2 loads of washing; walked and fed said dog and generally completed household
chores, he got up for an hour, told me how bad he felt, and wandered aimlessly about, then returned to his pit, still feeling "dreadful" and possibly caused, he thinks by his tablets, not by the weekend consumption of alcohol. He hasn't done a thing today apart from feel sorry for himself.
Spare room for me tonight I think, where I can read, listen to music on the iPod, and generally relax without disturbing him, and without him disturbing me!
Hannah x
Oh, just as I pressed "publish" he came downstairs again to tell me that he felt awful and his legs hurt (why? He's done nothing) but thought he might sit and watch TV for a bit. Do I care? Not a lot, am in the garden with the iPod. X
Wednesday, 30 July 2014
Finding it so hard to be positive at the moment
I'm really aware that most of my posts have been quite negative, and I have to say that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Unusually for me, I've been a bit down and analytical these past few days and although I'm trying hard to stay positive and upbeat, I'm finding it a bit of a struggle. I think that Mr H's negativity and pessimism is rubbing off on me and wearing me down.
I checked out the "different together" website, and looked at some of the Tony Atwood videos, and I think that has made me feel even worse, the realisation that this is not going to get better (not that I didn't really know, but hearing it said was a bit of a wake up call), I am always going to be his "mother", and that it is like having a child with a disability who will never grow up. It feels like hard work, depressing and demotivating, and not what I want from a relationship.
Mr H is away this week with work. As I think I have said before, he feels the need to phone me at set times; 6.30 am when he gets to work, 4pm when he leaves work, 7pm when he has eaten and 9.30 pm before he goes to bed. These are "duty calls", nothing of any significance is said, if I try to chat, he quickly cuts me off. 9.15 this evening the phone rings;
Mr H "hi, are you ok"
Me " yes I'm fine, you?"
Mr H " I'm exhausted, I've never felt so tired, I hope I'm not ill. I'm going to bed"
Me " ok night then"
Mr H " I'll ring you in the morning"
The call took all of 20 seconds. I don't know why he bothers, apart from the fact that he is ticking a box. He doesn't actually care how I am or if I have something to say, he has made contact and therefore feels he has fulfilled his duty. It is all so predictable and so boring, and at the moment I am not sure if I can or want to carry on in this one-sided "relationship".
Hannah x
I checked out the "different together" website, and looked at some of the Tony Atwood videos, and I think that has made me feel even worse, the realisation that this is not going to get better (not that I didn't really know, but hearing it said was a bit of a wake up call), I am always going to be his "mother", and that it is like having a child with a disability who will never grow up. It feels like hard work, depressing and demotivating, and not what I want from a relationship.
Mr H is away this week with work. As I think I have said before, he feels the need to phone me at set times; 6.30 am when he gets to work, 4pm when he leaves work, 7pm when he has eaten and 9.30 pm before he goes to bed. These are "duty calls", nothing of any significance is said, if I try to chat, he quickly cuts me off. 9.15 this evening the phone rings;
Mr H "hi, are you ok"
Me " yes I'm fine, you?"
Mr H " I'm exhausted, I've never felt so tired, I hope I'm not ill. I'm going to bed"
Me " ok night then"
Mr H " I'll ring you in the morning"
The call took all of 20 seconds. I don't know why he bothers, apart from the fact that he is ticking a box. He doesn't actually care how I am or if I have something to say, he has made contact and therefore feels he has fulfilled his duty. It is all so predictable and so boring, and at the moment I am not sure if I can or want to carry on in this one-sided "relationship".
Hannah x
Friday, 25 July 2014
"It's not my fault" - well if you'd read the instructions.........
I seem to be copying Laura over at muddlingthroughaspergers again, this time about shifting the blame. Mr H is at home today and decided to make a lemon meringue pie (lord only knows why as there are only the two of us home, and I'm on a diet). I went out shopping and returned to chaos and disaster.....firstly he was using a baking tin far too small, but when I pointed this out he said "well I didn't know" despite the fact that the tin size was in the recipe. So I decided to let him get on with it......but was called in from the garden on no less than 5 occasions to tell him where an ingredient or utensil was. Because the tin was so small, the filling almost came over the top. I said nothing, but returned to my gardening. Next he starts making the meringue, the recipe clearly says beat the egg whites into stiff peaks then add the sugar a spoonful at a time. " the meringue won't work, maybe there's something wrong with the eggs" he whines plaintively, actually what is wrong is that he's mixed the whites and sugar at the start. " well it wasn't very clear" he says "what shall I do?"
"You'll have to start again with the meringue" he is now banging around the kitchen in a sulk, because he didn't read the recipe!
He does this all the time, with cooking, assembling flat pack furniture, anything that requires instructions, he doesn't read the instructions properly and then tries to shift the blame when it goes wrong. Best to keep out of his way while he's sulking though!
Hannah x
"You'll have to start again with the meringue" he is now banging around the kitchen in a sulk, because he didn't read the recipe!
He does this all the time, with cooking, assembling flat pack furniture, anything that requires instructions, he doesn't read the instructions properly and then tries to shift the blame when it goes wrong. Best to keep out of his way while he's sulking though!
Hannah x
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
The constant negativity
The constant negativity of life with this man really grinds me down. I have said before that I am intrinsically a positive person, but sometimes I really struggle to stay positive when Mr H is so negative. This week he is being a typical middle aged man and moaning about the weather. Now it's pretty good here, warm enough and we have had no rain since last week, but because it's not blazing sunshine he's whinging.
He's working at home this week which involves sitting at a computer. Yesterday, I walked the dog, cleaned the house thoroughly downstairs, including cleaning windows, then spent 2 hours cutting back conifers at the bottom of the garden - so was pretty glad it wasn't blazing heat! Today I walked the dog, ironed, drove to our local market town for shopping, then cut the grass, whereas he is still moaning because the sky is cloudy. But now the sun is out, it's warm, I'm sitting in the garden, where is he? Yes that's right, watching TV in the living room.
Give me strength
He's working at home this week which involves sitting at a computer. Yesterday, I walked the dog, cleaned the house thoroughly downstairs, including cleaning windows, then spent 2 hours cutting back conifers at the bottom of the garden - so was pretty glad it wasn't blazing heat! Today I walked the dog, ironed, drove to our local market town for shopping, then cut the grass, whereas he is still moaning because the sky is cloudy. But now the sun is out, it's warm, I'm sitting in the garden, where is he? Yes that's right, watching TV in the living room.
Give me strength
- Hannah x
Friday, 18 July 2014
Lack of self control
Laura over at muddlingthroughaspergers.blogspot.co.uk talked about lack of self control in her last post, and it has made me even more aware of Mr H's failings in this department. We have had a good day, got lots of jobs done in the house and garden, and, added bonus, the sun came out at about 4pm, just as we finished our chores, so we sat in the garden with a glass of wine and chatted - all very civilised.
We had our tea outside, and some more wine, I went to sit in the conservatory to read, Mr H stayed outside and drank lots more wine, before disappearing to the top of the garden with his guitar and a bottle of wine which is always a sign that he is very much worse for wear. I wandered down after a while and he was strumming away tunelessly, and well on the way to being blind drunk. 30 minutes or so later (it's now 9. 30 pm ish) I hear a big crash from the bottom of the garden, the dog barks and we both run down and find the chairs upturned on the decking. For one glorious moment I thought he had fallen into the pond ( my life as a Merry Widow played out before me and I instantly calculated the insurance payout in my head!) but no, he is totally ratarsed and having a wee in the corner of the garden behind the summerhouse. Nice. He didn't realise that I saw him. He managed to put his guitar into the summerhouse (although I was very very tempted to shove it outside for the night) before staggering back into the house and up to bed, I am now in the garden watching the bats and contemplating a peaceful night in the spare room.
He cannot stop at a few glasses of wine, he seems unable to stop when he starts becoming stupid. I like a glass or three of wine, he likes a couple of bottles. When we have guests I worry that he will make a total twat of himself, and am constantly on edge. This is no life.
Hannah x
We had our tea outside, and some more wine, I went to sit in the conservatory to read, Mr H stayed outside and drank lots more wine, before disappearing to the top of the garden with his guitar and a bottle of wine which is always a sign that he is very much worse for wear. I wandered down after a while and he was strumming away tunelessly, and well on the way to being blind drunk. 30 minutes or so later (it's now 9. 30 pm ish) I hear a big crash from the bottom of the garden, the dog barks and we both run down and find the chairs upturned on the decking. For one glorious moment I thought he had fallen into the pond ( my life as a Merry Widow played out before me and I instantly calculated the insurance payout in my head!) but no, he is totally ratarsed and having a wee in the corner of the garden behind the summerhouse. Nice. He didn't realise that I saw him. He managed to put his guitar into the summerhouse (although I was very very tempted to shove it outside for the night) before staggering back into the house and up to bed, I am now in the garden watching the bats and contemplating a peaceful night in the spare room.
He cannot stop at a few glasses of wine, he seems unable to stop when he starts becoming stupid. I like a glass or three of wine, he likes a couple of bottles. When we have guests I worry that he will make a total twat of himself, and am constantly on edge. This is no life.
Hannah x
Monday, 7 July 2014
Happy Birthday - Mr H has taken to his bed .......
As I have said before, Mr H "enjoys poor digestion"! He has been prescribed meds for IBS, and has had investigations which resulted in meds for a hiatus hernia. Despite these diagnoses and advice, he, of course, knows best and continues to eat and drink things that he shouldn't, with sometimes dramatic results. He just cannot learn from his mistakes.
It was my birthday on Friday, (not a "significant" one just yet, but we are on countdown!), so we went out for lunch yesterday to a local pub. Despite knowing from bitter experience that eating steak causes him problems, he decided to have steak! About 3 mouthfuls in, he got up and went to the loo, 5 long minutes later he came back and told me he would wait in the car. I got up and followed him, leaving 2 meals mostly uneaten and mumbling embarrassed excuses to the staff as I left. This has happened before. For the next 24 hours, he has been unable to even sip water without vomiting, has heartburn and hiccups, and has been to the GP today and been given different meds. I have to say I was hoping he would be admitted to hospital! He has now taken to his bed (5pm) because he is exhausted, well so am I as he was up and down all night and although I decamped to the spare room, I was aware of his wanderings, door banging and moaning, because he cannot think of anyone apart from himself, and sees no need for quiet. He has obviously had to stay off work today and tomorrow at least.
On my last trip upstairs with water, I told him in no uncertain terms that although I am sympathetic to his current discomfort, I will not eat out with him, or go on holiday with him, until he stops eating and drinking stuff that upsets him, as I am sick of the embarrassment that it causes me. And I mean it. He has apologised profusely, (although with the caveat that he "can't help it") but I know that as soon as he feels better he will be knocking back the full fat foods and the red wine.
This man causes me such grief, work and hassle. I can see nothing positive at the moment.
Hannah x
It was my birthday on Friday, (not a "significant" one just yet, but we are on countdown!), so we went out for lunch yesterday to a local pub. Despite knowing from bitter experience that eating steak causes him problems, he decided to have steak! About 3 mouthfuls in, he got up and went to the loo, 5 long minutes later he came back and told me he would wait in the car. I got up and followed him, leaving 2 meals mostly uneaten and mumbling embarrassed excuses to the staff as I left. This has happened before. For the next 24 hours, he has been unable to even sip water without vomiting, has heartburn and hiccups, and has been to the GP today and been given different meds. I have to say I was hoping he would be admitted to hospital! He has now taken to his bed (5pm) because he is exhausted, well so am I as he was up and down all night and although I decamped to the spare room, I was aware of his wanderings, door banging and moaning, because he cannot think of anyone apart from himself, and sees no need for quiet. He has obviously had to stay off work today and tomorrow at least.
On my last trip upstairs with water, I told him in no uncertain terms that although I am sympathetic to his current discomfort, I will not eat out with him, or go on holiday with him, until he stops eating and drinking stuff that upsets him, as I am sick of the embarrassment that it causes me. And I mean it. He has apologised profusely, (although with the caveat that he "can't help it") but I know that as soon as he feels better he will be knocking back the full fat foods and the red wine.
This man causes me such grief, work and hassle. I can see nothing positive at the moment.
Hannah x
Wednesday, 2 July 2014
Lack of empathy
I know that lack of empathy is an Asperger trait, and I should be used to it by now, but sometimes, instead of always being the strong one, I need to be able to fall apart when the situation calls for it.
This week, I have heard 2 pieces of bad news which have really got to me; firstly that a young woman who I knew over 10 years ago, had killed herself. She had had quite serious mental health problems when at school, and I tried very hard to help her when I was working there, obviously I didn't help that much as I heard that she killed herself a couple of weeks ago aged 27. I have found myself wondering if I could have done more for her. The second piece of bad news is that a former colleague, a fantastic teacher, and a good friend, who I haven't. Seen since I moved away 2 years ago, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, aged just 62. I have spent a lot of time thinking about her and her family, and generally feeling pretty sad.
Mr H came home from work yesterday, and I told him about these 2 pieces of sad news. His response? "I don't know these people so I don't know why you are upset". Thanks for that Mr H, I really don't know why I bother.
Hannah x
This week, I have heard 2 pieces of bad news which have really got to me; firstly that a young woman who I knew over 10 years ago, had killed herself. She had had quite serious mental health problems when at school, and I tried very hard to help her when I was working there, obviously I didn't help that much as I heard that she killed herself a couple of weeks ago aged 27. I have found myself wondering if I could have done more for her. The second piece of bad news is that a former colleague, a fantastic teacher, and a good friend, who I haven't. Seen since I moved away 2 years ago, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, aged just 62. I have spent a lot of time thinking about her and her family, and generally feeling pretty sad.
Mr H came home from work yesterday, and I told him about these 2 pieces of sad news. His response? "I don't know these people so I don't know why you are upset". Thanks for that Mr H, I really don't know why I bother.
Hannah x
Faffing about.........
I have never known anyone faff about as much as Mr H, indeed if faffing were an Olympic sport he would have many gold medals. Everything has to be planned and organised in advance - no spontaneity here!
He is at home this week, unexpectedly, should have been away all week but an IT glitch meant he could come home last night. Whoopee I said. He has been working at home while I got on with normal chores, ironing, cleaning etc, I also wanted to make a start clearing some hugely overgrown shrubs in the front garden. One in particular is very spikey and difficult to get at, Mr H thought we might make an attempt at it on Sunday! Well no, it's going to rain on Sunday, so when he nipped out to get his hair cut (a whole new story!) I sawed through the trunk of the offending shrub and removed it, on his return he was somewhat surprised, and is, as we speak, trying to decide what we will do on Sunday! It's good to be the winner sometimes
Hannah x
He is at home this week, unexpectedly, should have been away all week but an IT glitch meant he could come home last night. Whoopee I said. He has been working at home while I got on with normal chores, ironing, cleaning etc, I also wanted to make a start clearing some hugely overgrown shrubs in the front garden. One in particular is very spikey and difficult to get at, Mr H thought we might make an attempt at it on Sunday! Well no, it's going to rain on Sunday, so when he nipped out to get his hair cut (a whole new story!) I sawed through the trunk of the offending shrub and removed it, on his return he was somewhat surprised, and is, as we speak, trying to decide what we will do on Sunday! It's good to be the winner sometimes
Hannah x
Thursday, 26 June 2014
Home again and a new ailment and a new habit.........
Mr H has been away with work all week and came home this afternoon. All week he has been ringing, texting and emailing me to make sure that I have completed the couple of jobs that he asked me to do. And I have, and more besides. I have also had a pleasant and restful time, much needed after him being at home for over a week. On arrival home, he has a set routine, he goes to the loo, gets changed, brings his washing down, checks his post and email, rings his mum, then has a look at the garden. Then he tells me about his week. In that order always.
Today he has had to tell me in great detail about his latest ailment - itchy skin caused, he thinks, by the tablets that the GP gave him a couple of weeks ago for his possible irritable bowel. This itching, has, apparently, been so bad while he was away that he went to the chemist for advice. The pharmacist didn't look at the itchy areas but confirmed that it could be due to the tablets although very unlikely. Hedging your bets I think! On arrival home, he took great delight in showing me........nothing! No redness, no rash, nothing apart from very dry skin. I suggested he use some moisturiser, which he has done, but I notice that he has developed a new habit; most of the itching is around his waist, so he is constantly putting his hand down his trousers to scratch. It's not an attractive sight, and I sincerely hope that he manages to control himself as we have visitors all weekend, who probably don't want to watch him with his hands down his trousers. I certainly don't. He is so childlike in his behaviour, he has no self control, and no awareness of how he looks to others. If I try to tell him, he gets offended, so, as usual, I bite my lip and sit peacefully in another room.
I am conscious that my posts are all pretty negative, but we do have some good times, it's just that he can be so irritating and annoying. Maybe it's me. I don't know.
Hannah x
Today he has had to tell me in great detail about his latest ailment - itchy skin caused, he thinks, by the tablets that the GP gave him a couple of weeks ago for his possible irritable bowel. This itching, has, apparently, been so bad while he was away that he went to the chemist for advice. The pharmacist didn't look at the itchy areas but confirmed that it could be due to the tablets although very unlikely. Hedging your bets I think! On arrival home, he took great delight in showing me........nothing! No redness, no rash, nothing apart from very dry skin. I suggested he use some moisturiser, which he has done, but I notice that he has developed a new habit; most of the itching is around his waist, so he is constantly putting his hand down his trousers to scratch. It's not an attractive sight, and I sincerely hope that he manages to control himself as we have visitors all weekend, who probably don't want to watch him with his hands down his trousers. I certainly don't. He is so childlike in his behaviour, he has no self control, and no awareness of how he looks to others. If I try to tell him, he gets offended, so, as usual, I bite my lip and sit peacefully in another room.
I am conscious that my posts are all pretty negative, but we do have some good times, it's just that he can be so irritating and annoying. Maybe it's me. I don't know.
Hannah x
Saturday, 14 June 2014
Welcome home
Mr H has been away since Tuesday, he has been away with an old friend, they go away somewhere every year for 3 or so nights, usually a European city somewhere. One of the nice things about him being out of the country (apart from having the bed to myself) is that he doesn't seem to feel the need to organise and control me.
I have had a lovely time in his absence, have eaten what and when I want, have been shopping, have played music loudly and danced in the garden! I have also blitzed the house, rearranged all the kitchen cupboards (which will send him into a turmoil when he gets home), made a cake, and done loads of big stuff in the garden that he has been prevaricating about for weeks. Our high hedges needed cutting as our neighbour did his side weeks ago, but Mr H has wanted to wait to do this huge (not) job until he got back from his trip; I wasn't convinced he would get it done even then as he is very good at finding excuses to avoid jobs that he doesn't like, so Tuesday afternoon I set to and finished it in about 3 hours. It was hard work and I nearly fell off the stepladder a couple of times, (and could barely move the next day) but it's done, he doesn't know yet as he's not back till tomorrow - I wonder if he'll even notice?
He is back in the UK now, and due home tomorrow, I have already had 3 phone calls checking if I have done things - does he think I am such a complete idiot that I can't manage my life for a few days without him? Yes Mr H, I have booked my car in for a service, I have got meat out of the freezer for tomorrow, I have spoken to the builder who is coming the week after next, I have cut the grass, I have watered the plants.
Oh, and he rang me when he landed to tell me that he had an insect bite on his leg that is so painful he thinks it might burst!
He, no doubt, will swan in tomorrow, fill the laundry basket with his dirty washing, tell me how much he's missed me, then start telling me what "we need to do". I, no doubt, will bite my tongue.
Happy days!
Hannah x
I have had a lovely time in his absence, have eaten what and when I want, have been shopping, have played music loudly and danced in the garden! I have also blitzed the house, rearranged all the kitchen cupboards (which will send him into a turmoil when he gets home), made a cake, and done loads of big stuff in the garden that he has been prevaricating about for weeks. Our high hedges needed cutting as our neighbour did his side weeks ago, but Mr H has wanted to wait to do this huge (not) job until he got back from his trip; I wasn't convinced he would get it done even then as he is very good at finding excuses to avoid jobs that he doesn't like, so Tuesday afternoon I set to and finished it in about 3 hours. It was hard work and I nearly fell off the stepladder a couple of times, (and could barely move the next day) but it's done, he doesn't know yet as he's not back till tomorrow - I wonder if he'll even notice?
He is back in the UK now, and due home tomorrow, I have already had 3 phone calls checking if I have done things - does he think I am such a complete idiot that I can't manage my life for a few days without him? Yes Mr H, I have booked my car in for a service, I have got meat out of the freezer for tomorrow, I have spoken to the builder who is coming the week after next, I have cut the grass, I have watered the plants.
Oh, and he rang me when he landed to tell me that he had an insect bite on his leg that is so painful he thinks it might burst!
He, no doubt, will swan in tomorrow, fill the laundry basket with his dirty washing, tell me how much he's missed me, then start telling me what "we need to do". I, no doubt, will bite my tongue.
Happy days!
Hannah x
Saturday, 31 May 2014
Saturday night and another ailment or two..........
Mr H "suffers with his digestion" in his words; in my words he eats rubbish and drinks too much and reaps the rewards. This is a man who will whack down a fried breakfast every morning, have at least 1 bag of crisps a day, and 3 or 4 chocolate bars a week. Not to mention the amount of red wine he consumes. He is constantly looking for an answer to his "digestive problems", but is not prepared to accept that his lifestyle might be contributing. He has had various medical investigations with no significant result, so thinks that his GP is rubbish, blaming the GP rather than himself. His latest fad is that he has decided he cannot drink coffee any more; despite being 56 years old and having been a coffee drinker for about 40 years, he has realised that coffee is the cause of all his problems, and is almost evangelical in this revelation. Every morning for the past 2 weeks he has had a cup of tea in the morning and told me with great gusto that he feels wonderful, and how fantastic it is that he has discovered the cause of all his problems. I say "yes dear" but I have heard it all before, before coffee it was bananas, before that it was cucumber, before that it was peppers. Funnily enough it's never bacon, sausages, butter or red wine!
It is all so tedious, and makes cooking a nightmare because an ingredient can move to the banned list in a day.
Today we went out for lunch, and for tea had mushroom risotto (his choice) but he has wittered all evening about his stomach being "off" and has now gone to bed at 8.30pm telling me he "feels dreadful". I promise I didn't poison him (although it is a tempting thought sometimes!!) but I will sleep in the spare room I think because I don't want to be in the same room as someone who feels "dreadful", and I know that he will thrash about and moan and groan - the spare room is my haven! I am not a betting woman but am willing to wager that tomorrow morning he will be back on the coffee, having decided that either mushrooms or rice are the root cause. Not the red wine then.
I find the melodramatics of his "ailments" so very tedious. But hey ho, it's Saturday night and me and the dog are watching rubbish on TV with a glass of wine (me, not the dog)
What I find so incredible is his lack of self awareness, he talks about a friend of his and also his sist
being "hypochondriacs" but doesn't see it in himself .
Time to hit the spare room
Hannah x
It is all so tedious, and makes cooking a nightmare because an ingredient can move to the banned list in a day.
Today we went out for lunch, and for tea had mushroom risotto (his choice) but he has wittered all evening about his stomach being "off" and has now gone to bed at 8.30pm telling me he "feels dreadful". I promise I didn't poison him (although it is a tempting thought sometimes!!) but I will sleep in the spare room I think because I don't want to be in the same room as someone who feels "dreadful", and I know that he will thrash about and moan and groan - the spare room is my haven! I am not a betting woman but am willing to wager that tomorrow morning he will be back on the coffee, having decided that either mushrooms or rice are the root cause. Not the red wine then.
I find the melodramatics of his "ailments" so very tedious. But hey ho, it's Saturday night and me and the dog are watching rubbish on TV with a glass of wine (me, not the dog)
What I find so incredible is his lack of self awareness, he talks about a friend of his and also his sist
being "hypochondriacs" but doesn't see it in himself .
Time to hit the spare room
Hannah x
Sunday, 25 May 2014
Another weekend away.....
Mr H and I have been away for a couple of nights, and it occurs to me that we get on much better when we are away than when we are at home. We didn't go anywhere exciting, just a city in the north of England, but we both wanted to visit this city and we had a lovely time, looking round museums, looking at architecture, eating out and (best of all) shopping. I realised during the trip that Mr H was less controlling, I'm not sure why, maybe it was because he was relaxed, but also maybe because he wasn't on his home territory.
Back home, and it's back to normal. On our way home yesterday we stopped at the supermarket and bought a couple of ready meals ( a fairly rare event) but because I wasnt hungry and wanted mine later than his "normal" time of 6.30 it threw him into a panic and said I was being difficult. I'm not sure how cooking 2 microwave meals at different times is difficult be there we go. Today we had decided to go to a local pub for Sunday lunch, we go quite often, the food's good and not expensive. We had already lightheartedly discussed what we might eat, but, as so easily happens with Mr H, once we got there everything went pear shaped.
Him "what do you want to eat?"
Me " I'm not sure, either roast pork or fish and chips probably"
Him " you can't have fish and chips for Sunday dinner"
Me " well I can if I want, it's on the menu"
Him "well it seems wrong. I'm having pork"
Me " think I'll have roast beef"
Him " I thought you wanted pork"
Me "well I changed my mind"
Him " you are being deliberately awkward"
No comment from me
We ate our meal in silence, came home and I have been doing stuff in the garden while he communes with his one great love, the TV.
He astounds me sometimes, well often actually, he cannot see that his behaviour is odd or controlling, yet when his sister tries to organise for us to spend a weekend together, he complains that she is being controlling! Talk about lack of self awareness.
Hannah x
PS there are some more "ailments of the week" to tell you about but I'll save for my next post
Back home, and it's back to normal. On our way home yesterday we stopped at the supermarket and bought a couple of ready meals ( a fairly rare event) but because I wasnt hungry and wanted mine later than his "normal" time of 6.30 it threw him into a panic and said I was being difficult. I'm not sure how cooking 2 microwave meals at different times is difficult be there we go. Today we had decided to go to a local pub for Sunday lunch, we go quite often, the food's good and not expensive. We had already lightheartedly discussed what we might eat, but, as so easily happens with Mr H, once we got there everything went pear shaped.
Him "what do you want to eat?"
Me " I'm not sure, either roast pork or fish and chips probably"
Him " you can't have fish and chips for Sunday dinner"
Me " well I can if I want, it's on the menu"
Him "well it seems wrong. I'm having pork"
Me " think I'll have roast beef"
Him " I thought you wanted pork"
Me "well I changed my mind"
Him " you are being deliberately awkward"
No comment from me
We ate our meal in silence, came home and I have been doing stuff in the garden while he communes with his one great love, the TV.
He astounds me sometimes, well often actually, he cannot see that his behaviour is odd or controlling, yet when his sister tries to organise for us to spend a weekend together, he complains that she is being controlling! Talk about lack of self awareness.
Hannah x
PS there are some more "ailments of the week" to tell you about but I'll save for my next post
Saturday, 10 May 2014
The need to control me........
Mr H needs to feel that he is in total control of every aspect of his life, and that need extends to trying to control my life too. I don't think that this need is malicious, but it is very very annoying. He likes to have every last detail planned in advance, and can't cope with change, he likes to plan meals a week ahead, and even plans silly things like which route to walk the dog, or whether to fill up his car with petrol on the way to work or way home. Does it really matter?
I have an old friend coming to stay for a couple of nights next week, Mr H will be away with work, but feels, for some reason, that he should be organising what she and I do, eat, etc. I have already decided what to cook, and have bought or planned to buy the ingredients, and have told him this, but he has to interfere and keeps making suggestions. When I say that it is already planned he takes offence and sulks, because he thinks that his idea is better (it's not!), and although I have told him several times that while she is here we have planned to visit another old friend, he insists on telling me what he thinks I should do. He usually starts off by saying "you need to........" and my heart sinks . I would not dream of suggesting what he should eat when he is away, or when he is home alone, to be honest I am not interested, it is for him to decide. Normally I can keep quiet and ignore his interference, but sometimes, like today, I just can't.
We have just had a night away in a town a couple of hours drive away, really enjoyable wandering round lovely old buildings, eating out and generally having a good time. On the way home we stopped to look at a cathedral and (bonus!) we found a waitrose so bought a couple of curries for tea tonight. Food, and the planning of, is of enormous importance to Mr H, whereas I just see it as fuel and will shovel down whatever I fancy, and I know that he was getting twitchy because we didn't have anything planned. Anyway when it came to it, neither of us fancied curry so we froze it, and at this point it all went horribly wrong because Mr H decided he wanted a bacon butty but I didn't. Now it shouldn't be a problem, he could have his bacon butty and I could have cheese on toast, but no, he insists we have to have the same (why?) so then he sulks because I won't back down and eat something I don't want.
So we have had cheese on toast, he didn't eat all of his because he was still sulking, I am sitting in the conservatory typing this while he immerses himself in the TV.
Happy days!
Hannah x
I have an old friend coming to stay for a couple of nights next week, Mr H will be away with work, but feels, for some reason, that he should be organising what she and I do, eat, etc. I have already decided what to cook, and have bought or planned to buy the ingredients, and have told him this, but he has to interfere and keeps making suggestions. When I say that it is already planned he takes offence and sulks, because he thinks that his idea is better (it's not!), and although I have told him several times that while she is here we have planned to visit another old friend, he insists on telling me what he thinks I should do. He usually starts off by saying "you need to........" and my heart sinks . I would not dream of suggesting what he should eat when he is away, or when he is home alone, to be honest I am not interested, it is for him to decide. Normally I can keep quiet and ignore his interference, but sometimes, like today, I just can't.
We have just had a night away in a town a couple of hours drive away, really enjoyable wandering round lovely old buildings, eating out and generally having a good time. On the way home we stopped to look at a cathedral and (bonus!) we found a waitrose so bought a couple of curries for tea tonight. Food, and the planning of, is of enormous importance to Mr H, whereas I just see it as fuel and will shovel down whatever I fancy, and I know that he was getting twitchy because we didn't have anything planned. Anyway when it came to it, neither of us fancied curry so we froze it, and at this point it all went horribly wrong because Mr H decided he wanted a bacon butty but I didn't. Now it shouldn't be a problem, he could have his bacon butty and I could have cheese on toast, but no, he insists we have to have the same (why?) so then he sulks because I won't back down and eat something I don't want.
So we have had cheese on toast, he didn't eat all of his because he was still sulking, I am sitting in the conservatory typing this while he immerses himself in the TV.
Happy days!
Hannah x
Tuesday, 6 May 2014
The inability to find things
Oh this drives me insane, Mr H really cannot see beyond the end of his nose. It is, I think, that he has a picture in his head of where an object should be, and if it isn't in that exact spot, if it is just to the left or right, or above or below, he cannot see it, and he reverts to panic mode, and then there has to be blame. A week ago he went into the garage looking for his staple gun, and couldn't find it; came back into the house ranting that our builder had stolen it. I pointed out that our lovely builder had brought his own professional quality staple gun when he had made a cage for our septic tank, and that our little cheapo B&Q number would be of little interest. I went into the garage and located said item within seconds, took it to show him and got the expected response; " well I couldn't see it, it's not my fault, it's my eyes" my eyes? This is a man who drives around the motorway network on a weekly basis, if he can't see a piece of equipment on a shelf in a garage, how in heavens name can he see where he is driving?( I hasten to add that he has regular eye tests and is perfectly fit to drive!). This is about not looking. He often asks me where something is, (usually adding " I don't expect you to look") I go and look, I find, I show him, he forgets instantly. It drives me mad!!!
It goes on and on, this evening at tea time he was looking for tomato ketchup, I have told him till I am tomato coloured that spares are in the blue basket in the utility room. Difficult? Apparently so, he went into a panic that the tom sauce was almost empty and that he had looked everywhere but there wasn't a spare.
Me "where have you looked?"
Him " I have looked everywhere"
Me ( with bottle of Tom sauce from blue basket ) " there's one here, in blue basket where I told you"
Him " well I forgot"
A little bit of me wants to kill him ( possibly with his staple gun) or let him do without tomato sauce because he can't be arsed to look for it.
I am utterly fed up of being his mother rather than his lover.
Sorry for the rant
Hannah x
It goes on and on, this evening at tea time he was looking for tomato ketchup, I have told him till I am tomato coloured that spares are in the blue basket in the utility room. Difficult? Apparently so, he went into a panic that the tom sauce was almost empty and that he had looked everywhere but there wasn't a spare.
Me "where have you looked?"
Him " I have looked everywhere"
Me ( with bottle of Tom sauce from blue basket ) " there's one here, in blue basket where I told you"
Him " well I forgot"
A little bit of me wants to kill him ( possibly with his staple gun) or let him do without tomato sauce because he can't be arsed to look for it.
I am utterly fed up of being his mother rather than his lover.
Sorry for the rant
Hannah x
Sunday, 4 May 2014
Techno fun
Mr H loves technology, and will gladly spend several hundreds of pounds on the latest "must-have" gadget, which, of course is vitally essential to the smooth running of our lives, while telling me that we can't afford a new hoover or washing machine just yet. One of our latest "must-haves" is a wifi hotspot so that we can access the internet in the garden; funnily enough I suggested this last year but he wasn't particularly keen, however now he has realised the benefits to him (such as being able to sit in the garden when working at home) it has, of course, become essential.
He also loves (adores even) the television, and is incapable of sitting in the living room without the TV on; he watches stuff but has no idea of what he has watched, and will happily re watch films time and time again. In fact a couple of months ago we had a power cut one evening that lasted a couple of hours, not unusual in this rural area, and he was beside himself. I got candles, a book to read and some knitting, he paced around the house checking the time every 10 minutes and saying " I wopnder how long this is going to last, it's ridiculous!"
When we moved to this house 2 years ago, he spent a whole day looking for a particular cable, opening and searching through boxes, then the next day setting up the TV, DVD player and broad band etc, while I plumbed in the washer and dryer and emptied a million boxes. I lost the plot with him and called him a selfish lazy a**ed sod; he looked at me as if I was insane and went back to fiddling with wires, he really believed I think that setting up the TV was the most important thing to do.
Today I have been in the garden most of the day so far, he has pottered, read papers and made some bread. I went into the house a few minutes ago and found him sitting in the living room, staring at the TV which was on but muted.
Me " what are you watching?"
Him " nothing"
Me " well it looks like you're watching something even if it's just to brush up on your lip reading skills"
Him " I'm waiting to watch a film but it's not on for 25 minutes"
Heaven help me, I want to shake him sometimes, but at least he's quiet!
I'm back in the garden now, enjoying the peace and quiet and typing this courtesy of the hotspot thingy.
Hannah x
He also loves (adores even) the television, and is incapable of sitting in the living room without the TV on; he watches stuff but has no idea of what he has watched, and will happily re watch films time and time again. In fact a couple of months ago we had a power cut one evening that lasted a couple of hours, not unusual in this rural area, and he was beside himself. I got candles, a book to read and some knitting, he paced around the house checking the time every 10 minutes and saying " I wopnder how long this is going to last, it's ridiculous!"
When we moved to this house 2 years ago, he spent a whole day looking for a particular cable, opening and searching through boxes, then the next day setting up the TV, DVD player and broad band etc, while I plumbed in the washer and dryer and emptied a million boxes. I lost the plot with him and called him a selfish lazy a**ed sod; he looked at me as if I was insane and went back to fiddling with wires, he really believed I think that setting up the TV was the most important thing to do.
Today I have been in the garden most of the day so far, he has pottered, read papers and made some bread. I went into the house a few minutes ago and found him sitting in the living room, staring at the TV which was on but muted.
Me " what are you watching?"
Him " nothing"
Me " well it looks like you're watching something even if it's just to brush up on your lip reading skills"
Him " I'm waiting to watch a film but it's not on for 25 minutes"
Heaven help me, I want to shake him sometimes, but at least he's quiet!
I'm back in the garden now, enjoying the peace and quiet and typing this courtesy of the hotspot thingy.
Hannah x
Thursday, 24 April 2014
Having to be right - how quickly meltdowns can happen.
Mr H always has to be right, and usually I let him get away with it, working on the principle that he thinks he is right, let him think he is right, I know I am right, I have the upper hand and I know he is behaving like a tw*t. Occasionally I just can't let it go, and have to argue my point, but I am always conscious that this could turn into a full blown meltdown on his part, and I really can't be doing with it, I survived my children's toddler and teenage tantrums, I don't want to do it all over again with a 56 year old man. He has had some spectacular meltdowns when stressed, and it is difficult to love and respect for a man who behaves like a 2 year old when stressed; I sometimes feel like his mother rather than his wife.
This morning, I was going out to see a friend and staying over, and was planning to include a bit of a shopping trip. He is working at home and dog sitting. I was eating my toast when he asked me if I was planning to visit ikea first
Me (mumbling through toast) "yes"
He then comes and stands in front of me, eyebrows raised as if waiting for an answer.
Me " yes, I said yes when you asked me"
Him" you didn't say anything"
Me " I did, I said yes"
Him.........well you get the picture, it goes on and on until I say of course he is right, I must have imagined that I said yes. He accepts this as he thinks that he has "won". He fails to pick up the irony in my voice.
I can get that I may have mumbled, but I know I responded, he cannot get that he may not have heard. This is when he is a tw*t, and when he irritates me beyond belief.
I finished my breakfast and left, he wanted to give me a hug but I wouldn't. He seemed to have no idea that the argument about my response to him and my not wanting to hug him were connected.
I have had a lovely relaxed day / evening with my friend, we have shopped, chatted , had lovely food, lovely wine, and enjoyed each other's company, without ever worrying about someone getting the wrong end of the stick.
He, on the other hand, is missing me (not reciprocated at the moment!), or ,with my cynical head on, wanting to regain control. He has been texting me all day, asking me what I have bought, what I am eating, am I having a good time.
Well I am going to enjoy the rest of my evening, with another glass of red and NT company!
Cheers Hannah x
This morning, I was going out to see a friend and staying over, and was planning to include a bit of a shopping trip. He is working at home and dog sitting. I was eating my toast when he asked me if I was planning to visit ikea first
Me (mumbling through toast) "yes"
He then comes and stands in front of me, eyebrows raised as if waiting for an answer.
Me " yes, I said yes when you asked me"
Him" you didn't say anything"
Me " I did, I said yes"
Him.........well you get the picture, it goes on and on until I say of course he is right, I must have imagined that I said yes. He accepts this as he thinks that he has "won". He fails to pick up the irony in my voice.
I can get that I may have mumbled, but I know I responded, he cannot get that he may not have heard. This is when he is a tw*t, and when he irritates me beyond belief.
I finished my breakfast and left, he wanted to give me a hug but I wouldn't. He seemed to have no idea that the argument about my response to him and my not wanting to hug him were connected.
I have had a lovely relaxed day / evening with my friend, we have shopped, chatted , had lovely food, lovely wine, and enjoyed each other's company, without ever worrying about someone getting the wrong end of the stick.
He, on the other hand, is missing me (not reciprocated at the moment!), or ,with my cynical head on, wanting to regain control. He has been texting me all day, asking me what I have bought, what I am eating, am I having a good time.
Well I am going to enjoy the rest of my evening, with another glass of red and NT company!
Cheers Hannah x
Monday, 21 April 2014
Ailment of the day 2 and a Sleepless night
Yesterday morning the weather was lovely so Mr H and I managed to get the garden shed painted before the inevitable bank holiday rain came. But of course he had to moan about something, and yesterday it was painful knees caused, he thought after much deliberation and analysis, by standing on a ladder for a couple of minutes to paint the very high bits. Listening to him, you'd have thought he'd painted the Forth Road Bridge instead of an average garden shed.
Later in the day, I felt a bit off colour with a stomach ache, but didn't say much ( what's the point? He would try to outdo me!) and dozed in the chair, although I was aware of Mr H grumbling and moaning sporadically. The moany one took himself off to bed at 9pm, exhausted by his exertions (approximately 30 minutes painting) while I perked up and watched a programme on TV until about 10.30 then went to bed. All was well until about 1.30 when Mr H woke, and of course woke me. Now if I get up in the night I creep around so as not to disturb him, if I can't sleep I get up quietly and go downstairs so as not to disturb him. He, however seems to think that if he is awake then so should I be, and he proceeded to toss and turn, fidget about, sigh loudly and moan and groan. I lay quietly hoping he would go back to sleep but after an hour I gave up and decamped to the spare room ( oh the joy when you have no children living at home of having a spare room!) which he took as a personal insult, went all defensive and said "I can't help it" (which I will have engraved on his tombstone!), but I had a lovely few hours sleep. This morning he apologised for disturbing me (although still adamant that it wasn't his fault) but very keen to tell me that he had thought his knees were going to explode! I had a lucky escape then, if I'd stayed in bed with him I could have been hit by exploding knee debris!
He really is so very self- centred, he has no concept of how his behaviour impacts on others, and no concept of the need for some self restraint and self control.
Well rant over, another day another dollar. But wait - What was that noise I just heard? It sounded like knees exploding!
Hannah x
Later in the day, I felt a bit off colour with a stomach ache, but didn't say much ( what's the point? He would try to outdo me!) and dozed in the chair, although I was aware of Mr H grumbling and moaning sporadically. The moany one took himself off to bed at 9pm, exhausted by his exertions (approximately 30 minutes painting) while I perked up and watched a programme on TV until about 10.30 then went to bed. All was well until about 1.30 when Mr H woke, and of course woke me. Now if I get up in the night I creep around so as not to disturb him, if I can't sleep I get up quietly and go downstairs so as not to disturb him. He, however seems to think that if he is awake then so should I be, and he proceeded to toss and turn, fidget about, sigh loudly and moan and groan. I lay quietly hoping he would go back to sleep but after an hour I gave up and decamped to the spare room ( oh the joy when you have no children living at home of having a spare room!) which he took as a personal insult, went all defensive and said "I can't help it" (which I will have engraved on his tombstone!), but I had a lovely few hours sleep. This morning he apologised for disturbing me (although still adamant that it wasn't his fault) but very keen to tell me that he had thought his knees were going to explode! I had a lucky escape then, if I'd stayed in bed with him I could have been hit by exploding knee debris!
He really is so very self- centred, he has no concept of how his behaviour impacts on others, and no concept of the need for some self restraint and self control.
Well rant over, another day another dollar. But wait - What was that noise I just heard? It sounded like knees exploding!
Hannah x
Monday, 7 April 2014
self obsessed but not self aware.....
I have said before that Mr H is self obsessed, like a child or a teenager (and I have had 4 so I know!), he thinks that the world revolves around him, and that he is the centre of everyone's universe. He sees situations only in the way that they impact on him; for example this week we are having some building work done in our house which has meant the electricity was going to be switched off for a couple of hours today, and we have also had to move some kitchen stuff and bits of furniture into other rooms for a few days. This has thrown him into an absolute turmoil and panic, he has been finding things to worry about all weekend, such as "what will I have for breakfast?" Normally he has toast but that might be difficult if there is no power, I suggested cereal, but his reply was "but I always have toast". He could also have bought something to eat on his way to work, but that wasn't an option for him either. Lets face it, he's not going to fade away, there is still food available for him to eat. I'm the one who has been in the house all day in total chaos, brick dust everywhere, no electricity, no water. But hey, he's at work out of the way so not his problem now!
He really has no understanding of (or possibly no interest in) how other people may be feeling about a situation, only the effect on him, which is one of the many reasons that I think he has Aspergers Syndrome. Some 10 or so years ago now, I received a letter following a breast screening exam, suggesting some abnormality and inviting me for a hospital appointment. I was understandably anxious, and was upset when he got home from work, but instead of asking me what was wrong, he launched into a rant about his awful day at work (he was very stressed by work at the time but still.....). When I showed him my hospital letter, he said "its always about you isn't it". I was speechless; he had no concept of my anxiety about possibly having breast cancer but only saw the impact that it had on him in that I wasn't particularly sympathetic to him. There have been many such incidents over the years but that one stands out in my mind.
I sit here sometimes (often if I am honest) and wonder why I am still with this man who I find so frustrating and difficult, and who is so socially inept. When we first got together I loved his honesty and his reliability, if he made a commitment he followed it through. Now I think that those admirable traits were and are part of is AS, he is brutally honest to the point of rudeness at times, and his reliability often feels like he is "ticking boxes", for instance if he is away from home in the evening I know he has to phone home at set times, if I don't answer he gets into a panic because he can't tick me off his mental ticklist, same goes with speaking to his adult children.
I do love him in some ways, although its certainly not earth shattering any more, and perhaps more fondness than love. I think we "rub along" fairly well together, but I often feel like his mother rather than his wife and I honestly don't think he is aware of this. He is usually kind, tells me often that he loves me, and is a good provider. I have lots of hobbies, interests and friends, he does very little apart from watching TV. Too old now to separate even if I wanted to, so I will have to sit it out and try to work at it.
sorry for the rather negative rant!
Hannah x
He really has no understanding of (or possibly no interest in) how other people may be feeling about a situation, only the effect on him, which is one of the many reasons that I think he has Aspergers Syndrome. Some 10 or so years ago now, I received a letter following a breast screening exam, suggesting some abnormality and inviting me for a hospital appointment. I was understandably anxious, and was upset when he got home from work, but instead of asking me what was wrong, he launched into a rant about his awful day at work (he was very stressed by work at the time but still.....). When I showed him my hospital letter, he said "its always about you isn't it". I was speechless; he had no concept of my anxiety about possibly having breast cancer but only saw the impact that it had on him in that I wasn't particularly sympathetic to him. There have been many such incidents over the years but that one stands out in my mind.
I sit here sometimes (often if I am honest) and wonder why I am still with this man who I find so frustrating and difficult, and who is so socially inept. When we first got together I loved his honesty and his reliability, if he made a commitment he followed it through. Now I think that those admirable traits were and are part of is AS, he is brutally honest to the point of rudeness at times, and his reliability often feels like he is "ticking boxes", for instance if he is away from home in the evening I know he has to phone home at set times, if I don't answer he gets into a panic because he can't tick me off his mental ticklist, same goes with speaking to his adult children.
I do love him in some ways, although its certainly not earth shattering any more, and perhaps more fondness than love. I think we "rub along" fairly well together, but I often feel like his mother rather than his wife and I honestly don't think he is aware of this. He is usually kind, tells me often that he loves me, and is a good provider. I have lots of hobbies, interests and friends, he does very little apart from watching TV. Too old now to separate even if I wanted to, so I will have to sit it out and try to work at it.
sorry for the rather negative rant!
Hannah x
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
Ailment of the week is...........
Mr H is somewhat self obsessed; not particularly in his looks (although he is incapable of walking past a mirror without checking his silver locks!), but more in his body and it's functions. A small spot on his face can grow in his mind into a flesh eating tumour, and he will obsess about it constantly for a couple of weeks until another ailment takes centre stage. He has an overwhelming need to talk about whatever ailment is flavour of the week, and to discuss possible causes, treatments and outcomes, but having worked as a nurse for almost 40 years, I have had my fill of illness, and am not particularly sympathetic. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I have no desire to know about the vagaries of his bowels, or that he has been sick, but he continues to tell me anyway.
The latest ailment has been a cut finger, over a week ago now. It was, admittedly quite a nasty cut, but I cleaned and dressed it, and checked daily to make sure there was no infection there. Initially he worried about whether he should go to A&E, I said "well it's up to you dear, go if you want to, they'll probably give you a tetanus jab", which focussed his mind somewhat and he decided against! However for the past 10 days he has told me at least 10 times a day that
a) it's still sore
b) it's stopped bleeding
c) it's still sore
d) please will I check it
On and on and on. I did offer to put his arm in a sling (tongue in cheek) but he didn't get the irony and said that he'd see how it went! The story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf springs to mind, and I'm sure the day will come when he is seriously ill and I take no notice. Hopefully my training and experience will help, but I have suggested to him that I will put "I told you I was ill" on his gravestone, as did Spike Milligan!
I still don't know whether this is his personality, middle aged man syndrome, extreme male brain, or one of his Aspergers traits, and I suppose it doesn't really matter, it's infuriating, and like having a
child - although my children were and are much more stoical.
The worst thing about all this self obsession, is that if I (foolishly) mention to him that I have an ache or pain somewhere, he dismisses it totally and regales me with a list of his own symptoms, which are invariably worse than mine; consequently I almost never say anything to him.
I'm just about to resume ironing, he's just called up the stairs to tell me that he thinks his finger is almost healed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh I'm going to kill him!
The latest ailment has been a cut finger, over a week ago now. It was, admittedly quite a nasty cut, but I cleaned and dressed it, and checked daily to make sure there was no infection there. Initially he worried about whether he should go to A&E, I said "well it's up to you dear, go if you want to, they'll probably give you a tetanus jab", which focussed his mind somewhat and he decided against! However for the past 10 days he has told me at least 10 times a day that
a) it's still sore
b) it's stopped bleeding
c) it's still sore
d) please will I check it
On and on and on. I did offer to put his arm in a sling (tongue in cheek) but he didn't get the irony and said that he'd see how it went! The story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf springs to mind, and I'm sure the day will come when he is seriously ill and I take no notice. Hopefully my training and experience will help, but I have suggested to him that I will put "I told you I was ill" on his gravestone, as did Spike Milligan!
I still don't know whether this is his personality, middle aged man syndrome, extreme male brain, or one of his Aspergers traits, and I suppose it doesn't really matter, it's infuriating, and like having a
child - although my children were and are much more stoical.
The worst thing about all this self obsession, is that if I (foolishly) mention to him that I have an ache or pain somewhere, he dismisses it totally and regales me with a list of his own symptoms, which are invariably worse than mine; consequently I almost never say anything to him.
I'm just about to resume ironing, he's just called up the stairs to tell me that he thinks his finger is almost healed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh I'm going to kill him!
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Rules and regulations v spontaneity
Mr H is away this week with work, and I am relishing the spontaneity of life! If he were here, Mr H would have just fed the dog, as he has a self inflicted rule that she should be fed at 5pm, however she is snoring quietly beside me at the moment and oblivious to the fact that it's gone 5.30. (Although she has just woken up and looked at the clock and then at me!)
I can also eat what I want, when I want, rather than planning meals days in advance as he likes to do, and having tea at 6.30. I like nothing better than wondering what to have for tea that night, looking in the fridge and veg basket and concocting something; he is more of a meat and veg man and likes to know what he will be eating a week ahead, which I find a tad boring. I do sometimes rebel and refuse to plan meals but it causes him anxiety and it's usually not worth the effort as I end up stressed by his stress.
Even when I was working full time and had young children, I didn't plan everything to the nth degree, and I could always stretch a meal to feed an extra couple of people if the kids brought friends home. Mr H can't cope with that at all, our kids are now all grown up and have partners but when they come to visit, he wants all meals and mealtimes planned out, and he expects them to know exactly what time they will arrive - life just doesn't work like that! He gets quite stressed by the change of routine if they are coming at 7pm after work, he can't understand that not everyone plans every detail of their lives, and furthermore he can't understand why they don't!
I am finding that his rules and rigidity are getting worse as he gets older, which is a shame as he is semi-retired and should be able to go with the flow a bit more; I am having to "do my own thing" more and more in order not to be dragged down by it all.
Well it's now 5.45 so I'd better feed the dog before she fades away, and then I'll have a look in the fridge for inspiration. He's back on Friday so I'm making the most of it!
Hannah x
I can also eat what I want, when I want, rather than planning meals days in advance as he likes to do, and having tea at 6.30. I like nothing better than wondering what to have for tea that night, looking in the fridge and veg basket and concocting something; he is more of a meat and veg man and likes to know what he will be eating a week ahead, which I find a tad boring. I do sometimes rebel and refuse to plan meals but it causes him anxiety and it's usually not worth the effort as I end up stressed by his stress.
Even when I was working full time and had young children, I didn't plan everything to the nth degree, and I could always stretch a meal to feed an extra couple of people if the kids brought friends home. Mr H can't cope with that at all, our kids are now all grown up and have partners but when they come to visit, he wants all meals and mealtimes planned out, and he expects them to know exactly what time they will arrive - life just doesn't work like that! He gets quite stressed by the change of routine if they are coming at 7pm after work, he can't understand that not everyone plans every detail of their lives, and furthermore he can't understand why they don't!
I am finding that his rules and rigidity are getting worse as he gets older, which is a shame as he is semi-retired and should be able to go with the flow a bit more; I am having to "do my own thing" more and more in order not to be dragged down by it all.
Well it's now 5.45 so I'd better feed the dog before she fades away, and then I'll have a look in the fridge for inspiration. He's back on Friday so I'm making the most of it!
Hannah x
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Pessimist v Optimist -
I am essentially an optimist; I tend to see the positive and good in things and people until proven otherwise. This is not always a good thing I suppose, it can make me vulnerable to exploitation, but Mr H is the very opposite, the eternal pessimist. He sees bad or potential bad in everything and everyone, and his negativity can be very wearing at times, and I have to make a conscious effort to rise above his endless negativity before it drags me down. I'm not sure whether this is an Asperger trait, an extreme male brain trait, or just his personality, but it sure does make life difficult.
A small example, in my last post I talked about his hair-pulling ritual and "uncomfortable hair", well yesterday after work he went to get his hair cut, he has been to this barbers for a few months now and usually finds something to moan about after each visit, hair cut too short, hair not short enough, etc etc, and in his normal negative way he was anticipating that something would be wrong:
Him " they'll probably make a mess of my hair again"
Me "well if they do you'll have to try another barber"
Him " none of them cut it right, they all make a mess of it
Me "see what happens this time before you start complaining"
So, he comes back from the barbers, pleased with his haircut, and of course he is surprised and slightly suspicious I think, that it has all gone well. Nothing to complain about then? No chance, he is already anticipating that next time the barber will cut his hair wrong again!
And another thing, to add to the grinding negativity, he catastrophises, builds everything up into the worse case scenario. This week he is working at home, he has had a message that his boss needs to speak to him, but isn't available when Mr H tries to ring. So with no justification whatsoever, he has decided that he is going to be sacked. As I write this, he is pacing around the house, worrying. It may be that his boss wants to give him some more work to do, it may be that he is getting a pay rise.....but no, it's got to be the worst case scenario in his eyes. And I have to say, if he does lose his job it will be the worst case scenario for me, as he'll be pacing about all day every day - if I don't murder him!
It's not all negative, he can be lovely, kind, loyal and loving, but trying to stay sane and positive is an uphill struggle at times.
Well I'm off to get my hair cut now, hope they don't make a mess of it!
Hannah x
A small example, in my last post I talked about his hair-pulling ritual and "uncomfortable hair", well yesterday after work he went to get his hair cut, he has been to this barbers for a few months now and usually finds something to moan about after each visit, hair cut too short, hair not short enough, etc etc, and in his normal negative way he was anticipating that something would be wrong:
Him " they'll probably make a mess of my hair again"
Me "well if they do you'll have to try another barber"
Him " none of them cut it right, they all make a mess of it
Me "see what happens this time before you start complaining"
So, he comes back from the barbers, pleased with his haircut, and of course he is surprised and slightly suspicious I think, that it has all gone well. Nothing to complain about then? No chance, he is already anticipating that next time the barber will cut his hair wrong again!
And another thing, to add to the grinding negativity, he catastrophises, builds everything up into the worse case scenario. This week he is working at home, he has had a message that his boss needs to speak to him, but isn't available when Mr H tries to ring. So with no justification whatsoever, he has decided that he is going to be sacked. As I write this, he is pacing around the house, worrying. It may be that his boss wants to give him some more work to do, it may be that he is getting a pay rise.....but no, it's got to be the worst case scenario in his eyes. And I have to say, if he does lose his job it will be the worst case scenario for me, as he'll be pacing about all day every day - if I don't murder him!
It's not all negative, he can be lovely, kind, loyal and loving, but trying to stay sane and positive is an uphill struggle at times.
Well I'm off to get my hair cut now, hope they don't make a mess of it!
Hannah x
Sunday, 16 March 2014
Is it me? Aspergers and silly rituals
Oh good heavens, he is driving me mad!
My husband has Asperger Syndrome, undiagnosed by a medical professional, but having worked for many years as a mental health nurse, I am pretty sure he has it, although I have been reading recently that there is a fine line between AS and the extreme male brain. Well whichever it is, it is bloody hard to live with. I am writing this blog as a vent for my frustrations, and also to hopefully share some coping strategies with others in the same boat.
He has lots of rituals and they are getting worse, many are connected to bodily functions of some sort, eg very loud and frequent nose blowing (for god's sake, if everyone in the country made as much noise blowing their noses we would all be deaf!). Lots of others too, and they seem to wax and wane in importance to him. At the moment, the ritual of the month is fiddling with his hair, grabbing a bit of hair, twisting it round and tugging it hard. This afternoon we were sat in the conservatory after working hard in the garden, he was continually pulling at his hair, and also told me about 5 times in 10 minutes that he needed to get his hair cut. Eventually, after biting my lip for as long as I could, I said in a neutral, non confrontational tone, "you'll get a bald patch if you keep pulling at your hair".
Immediate bristling by him, "well I won't touch my own hair then"
Me in jokey tone "ok, don't want your hair falling out eh?"
Him "it's obviously annoying you"
Me "well yes it is, you are constantly fiddling with your hair"
Him "well when I get it cut it will stop being uncomfortable"
Uncomfortable hair? What? I know that people with AS can be over sensitive to sensations, but uncomfortable hair? Give me strength!
My main coping strategy is to keep out of his way when I find him particularly irritating. I am so lucky as we don't have any children living with us now, so I don't have anyone else to consider most of the time, and can go and sit in another room if I am struggling. That has just made me think, is it me who is irritable and intolerant? Who knows, but I will keep writing, it may keep me sane!
Hannah x
My husband has Asperger Syndrome, undiagnosed by a medical professional, but having worked for many years as a mental health nurse, I am pretty sure he has it, although I have been reading recently that there is a fine line between AS and the extreme male brain. Well whichever it is, it is bloody hard to live with. I am writing this blog as a vent for my frustrations, and also to hopefully share some coping strategies with others in the same boat.
He has lots of rituals and they are getting worse, many are connected to bodily functions of some sort, eg very loud and frequent nose blowing (for god's sake, if everyone in the country made as much noise blowing their noses we would all be deaf!). Lots of others too, and they seem to wax and wane in importance to him. At the moment, the ritual of the month is fiddling with his hair, grabbing a bit of hair, twisting it round and tugging it hard. This afternoon we were sat in the conservatory after working hard in the garden, he was continually pulling at his hair, and also told me about 5 times in 10 minutes that he needed to get his hair cut. Eventually, after biting my lip for as long as I could, I said in a neutral, non confrontational tone, "you'll get a bald patch if you keep pulling at your hair".
Immediate bristling by him, "well I won't touch my own hair then"
Me in jokey tone "ok, don't want your hair falling out eh?"
Him "it's obviously annoying you"
Me "well yes it is, you are constantly fiddling with your hair"
Him "well when I get it cut it will stop being uncomfortable"
Uncomfortable hair? What? I know that people with AS can be over sensitive to sensations, but uncomfortable hair? Give me strength!
My main coping strategy is to keep out of his way when I find him particularly irritating. I am so lucky as we don't have any children living with us now, so I don't have anyone else to consider most of the time, and can go and sit in another room if I am struggling. That has just made me think, is it me who is irritable and intolerant? Who knows, but I will keep writing, it may keep me sane!
Hannah x
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