Can I kill him? Please?
Mr H is driving me completely insane at the moment.
Firstly he has a cold, it's the one I have had had for the last couple of weeks, I had a couple of days where I felt pretty grim and it's pretty vile but you get by and carry on. Unless, of course you're Mr H, when you moan, whinge, sniff, sneeze, cough and blow your nose, all very very loudly, and very very often. Yesterday, in 10 minutes, I counted 6 nose blows, 8 big sniffs, 4 coughs, 3 sneezes (with no putting hand over mouth) 6 "oh dears", 5 grunts and groans, and 4 miscellaneous weird noises. Delightful. A joy. Thank God he is working away this week.
Secondly, the ongoing saga of his mums dementia and physical illness. She is in hospital for the second time in 2 months, there is some confusion as to the diagnosis and prognosis, mostly due to the fact that his sisters are not honest with the medical / nursing staff as to her previous condition, they say that she was ok up until December when she became ill with an infection, it's not true, she has had signs of dementia for at least 5 years previously, and has been deteriorating a lot over the past 2 years. Mr H says he disagrees with them, but he doesn't, they all collude together, like a tripartite coven!
Today he went to visit his mum in hospital, I had suggested that he tried to speak to a senior nurse or a doctor to try and get some sort of handle on what is happening, so when he got there he asked a Nurse if he could speak to a doctor. According to Mr H the nurse said she "would send one down". Interesting, I qualified as a Nurse in 1976, have worked as a nurse ever since, and have never been able to "send " a Dr to see a relative at the drop of a hat. Of course it didn't happen, after 45 mins Mr H left, cross because the Dr didn't turn up, " maybe he was in A&E saving a life?" I suggested, Mr H grunted that " the doc was probably out having a fag" This is what makes me detest him sometimes, he us so obnoxious and has no concept of what other people might prioritise in their work, just because he deals with bits of paper, spreadsheets and not real people he thinks that's how the whole world revolves. I do so dislike him at the moment!
But I have the bliss of 3 nights "home alone" and I will enjoy them so much.
Hannah x (sorry for the rant)
Monday, 23 February 2015
Sunday, 15 February 2015
Are his AS traits getting worse or is it me?
I am in a bit of a quandary dear reader, I am not sure whether Mr H's AS traits are getting worse as a result of him getting older, or whether it is a result of a bit of stress he is under at the moment
(nothing momentous though, just a bit of regular uncertainty at work and a mum with dementia 150 miles away), but he is definitely getting worse. I also wonder whether it is my reaction to him that makes him seem worse.
I am certainly not the woman I was when I met him 15 years ago, but is that as a result of living with him and his AS in an unhappy threesome or is it because I too have got older, more sedate and placid? Or because I want more from my life? I don't know, but I do feel lately that my life is being controlled by his needs, by how he wants to live his life by self imposed rules, and by how he wants me to live my life in the same way.
I try very hard to keep our life together on an even keel, to not rock the boat (no more nautical sayings I promise), and to avoid any arguments and potential meltdowns, by mostly giving in and letting him have his own way, even though it sometimes feels that I am his carer, I am selling my soul, and losing myself. And that saddens me very much. I have had a full and satisfying professional life, fantastic children, great friends and hobbies, but now, in my almost 60's, I don't feel that I have the freedom I deserve.
Don't get me wrong, Mr H doesn't physically stop me from doing what I want, but he makes it
difficult, wanting to know exactly where I am going, who with, what time I will be back. He tries to plan out every detail of our lives weeks in advance, not for big things like a weekend away, but for silly things like the car going in for a service, or a shopping trip to the nearest biggish town 10 miles away, even to the point of saying things like " when we go shopping in 3 weeks, if I walk the dog and then we set off at 9am..........". Does it really have to be planned so far in advance? When I went away for a night last weekend, he tried to plan my route (no need, I have satnav), suggested which shops I might want to look in (think not Mr H, I can do my own shopping thank you) and generally tried to interfere. It's not malicious, I think, if challenged, he would say he was trying to be helpful but he's really not!
I am feeling very sorry for myself today, but I will enjoy and indulge I think, Mr H has gone to see his mum!
Hannah x
(nothing momentous though, just a bit of regular uncertainty at work and a mum with dementia 150 miles away), but he is definitely getting worse. I also wonder whether it is my reaction to him that makes him seem worse.
I am certainly not the woman I was when I met him 15 years ago, but is that as a result of living with him and his AS in an unhappy threesome or is it because I too have got older, more sedate and placid? Or because I want more from my life? I don't know, but I do feel lately that my life is being controlled by his needs, by how he wants to live his life by self imposed rules, and by how he wants me to live my life in the same way.
I try very hard to keep our life together on an even keel, to not rock the boat (no more nautical sayings I promise), and to avoid any arguments and potential meltdowns, by mostly giving in and letting him have his own way, even though it sometimes feels that I am his carer, I am selling my soul, and losing myself. And that saddens me very much. I have had a full and satisfying professional life, fantastic children, great friends and hobbies, but now, in my almost 60's, I don't feel that I have the freedom I deserve.
Don't get me wrong, Mr H doesn't physically stop me from doing what I want, but he makes it
difficult, wanting to know exactly where I am going, who with, what time I will be back. He tries to plan out every detail of our lives weeks in advance, not for big things like a weekend away, but for silly things like the car going in for a service, or a shopping trip to the nearest biggish town 10 miles away, even to the point of saying things like " when we go shopping in 3 weeks, if I walk the dog and then we set off at 9am..........". Does it really have to be planned so far in advance? When I went away for a night last weekend, he tried to plan my route (no need, I have satnav), suggested which shops I might want to look in (think not Mr H, I can do my own shopping thank you) and generally tried to interfere. It's not malicious, I think, if challenged, he would say he was trying to be helpful but he's really not!
I am feeling very sorry for myself today, but I will enjoy and indulge I think, Mr H has gone to see his mum!
Hannah x
Saturday, 14 February 2015
A Valentines Day tale.........
A happy Valentines Day to all my readers! It is almost 10pm, I am watching Casualty and Mr H is in bed.
I have had a rotten cold, cough and sore throat for the past 5 days, but have soldiered on with work, housework, dog and life in general, as you do. Mr H arrived home on Thursday evening and by Friday thought he might have caught my bug and so took to his bed late afternoon, after we'd taken my car to the garage for a service, leaving me to carry on as usual. He sees nothing wrong in this, he feels unwell, therefore he has to go to bed. He cannot possibly put anyone else's needs first. Interestingly, his brother-in-law was taken to hospital on Tuesday with chest pains, and discharged the same day, Mr H suggested that he is faking it! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
His total lack of insight is one of the things that I really struggle with, together with his inability to accept that anyone should choose a different way of doing things, or choose to live their life differently. His moan this evening, before he retired to his pit at just after 8.30 pm "exhausted" was about my son's wedding in June. It's a bit unconventional to someone like me who was brought up in the 60's, but it's what they want, they are getting married in the place that they met, then a reception and evening do at a local village hall, complete with marquee, what could be better? It's all a bit DIY too, which seems to be what young people do these days, fine with me, I have yards of bunting to make so I'm happy. Mr H though, seems to think that they should get married in the register office and then have a "bit of a do" in a pub. He has no imagination or sense of fun. Thank heaven he's not organising it.
Following on from his rant about the failings of the youth of today, we watched "the voice" on TV, or rather he watched it, constantly moaning about how awful it was, while I knitted quietly on the sofa, ignoring the TV.
"This is dreadful, but there's nothing else on" he said several times. "Well switch it off then, read a book, play a game" I said.
He knew when he was defeated ( it's probably illegal to have the TV switched off on Saturday night), gave up and went to bed.
So I hope you have had a reasonable, logical and satisfactory Valentines Day!
Hannah x
I have had a rotten cold, cough and sore throat for the past 5 days, but have soldiered on with work, housework, dog and life in general, as you do. Mr H arrived home on Thursday evening and by Friday thought he might have caught my bug and so took to his bed late afternoon, after we'd taken my car to the garage for a service, leaving me to carry on as usual. He sees nothing wrong in this, he feels unwell, therefore he has to go to bed. He cannot possibly put anyone else's needs first. Interestingly, his brother-in-law was taken to hospital on Tuesday with chest pains, and discharged the same day, Mr H suggested that he is faking it! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
His total lack of insight is one of the things that I really struggle with, together with his inability to accept that anyone should choose a different way of doing things, or choose to live their life differently. His moan this evening, before he retired to his pit at just after 8.30 pm "exhausted" was about my son's wedding in June. It's a bit unconventional to someone like me who was brought up in the 60's, but it's what they want, they are getting married in the place that they met, then a reception and evening do at a local village hall, complete with marquee, what could be better? It's all a bit DIY too, which seems to be what young people do these days, fine with me, I have yards of bunting to make so I'm happy. Mr H though, seems to think that they should get married in the register office and then have a "bit of a do" in a pub. He has no imagination or sense of fun. Thank heaven he's not organising it.
Following on from his rant about the failings of the youth of today, we watched "the voice" on TV, or rather he watched it, constantly moaning about how awful it was, while I knitted quietly on the sofa, ignoring the TV.
"This is dreadful, but there's nothing else on" he said several times. "Well switch it off then, read a book, play a game" I said.
He knew when he was defeated ( it's probably illegal to have the TV switched off on Saturday night), gave up and went to bed.
So I hope you have had a reasonable, logical and satisfactory Valentines Day!
Hannah x
Monday, 9 February 2015
Wedding fever - more control.........
My son and his gorgeous fiancée are getting married in June, I am so happy for them, they have been together for 6 years or so and she is the best daughter in law I could wish for. She is involving me in the wedding plans, I have been tasked with helping to decorate the reception venue, and she has even asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her and her mum - I feel so honoured to be asked, and am really looking forward to the making, shopping, and the whole event.
However Mr H is finding it all a bit of a struggle, my son is not his son so he doesn't have the same connection, but I don't think he's trying too hard! He is whingeing about money, I think I said in a previous blog that we (at my insistence) are giving them £1000 as a wedding present, he is now worrying that with outfits, hotel and dog kennels, the whole kaboodle will cost us £2k. It won't, and actually he can buy a suit that will see him through a few weddings and funerals, my outfit won't be expensive, I'm not a very "dressy up" woman, and it will be reconfigured for future events. We don't have loads of money, but we are not skint and we can afford this. But he is in pessimistic mode, and can see no happiness in the occasion. It saddens and depresses me.
We have booked 2 nights in a hotel near the wedding venue, he is now worrying about getting taxis etc. This is 4 months away. I suggested we get a taxi to the ceremony venue, then there is transport organised to the reception, and we can get a taxi back to the hotel. I know that another relative has booked into the same hotel so we could perhaps share a taxi........" But what if we don't want to leave at the same time" whines the miserable one.
And the best plan yet, he wondered if it might be worth driving to the wedding venue so that we could go back to the hotel and get changed before the reception. Get changed into what Mr H? Your pyjamas? He thought perhaps into his jeans, the thought of wearing a suit for a few hours is purgatory for him. So the wedding party will all be in their glad rags apart from Mr H in his scruffy jeans. Nice.
To be quite honest, rather sadly, I would really rather he wasn't there, the thought of having to worry about "managing" his behaviour fills me with dread. I really want to enjoy my son's wedding, but have a horrid feeling that it will be a bit of an ordeal.
Hannah x
However Mr H is finding it all a bit of a struggle, my son is not his son so he doesn't have the same connection, but I don't think he's trying too hard! He is whingeing about money, I think I said in a previous blog that we (at my insistence) are giving them £1000 as a wedding present, he is now worrying that with outfits, hotel and dog kennels, the whole kaboodle will cost us £2k. It won't, and actually he can buy a suit that will see him through a few weddings and funerals, my outfit won't be expensive, I'm not a very "dressy up" woman, and it will be reconfigured for future events. We don't have loads of money, but we are not skint and we can afford this. But he is in pessimistic mode, and can see no happiness in the occasion. It saddens and depresses me.
We have booked 2 nights in a hotel near the wedding venue, he is now worrying about getting taxis etc. This is 4 months away. I suggested we get a taxi to the ceremony venue, then there is transport organised to the reception, and we can get a taxi back to the hotel. I know that another relative has booked into the same hotel so we could perhaps share a taxi........" But what if we don't want to leave at the same time" whines the miserable one.
And the best plan yet, he wondered if it might be worth driving to the wedding venue so that we could go back to the hotel and get changed before the reception. Get changed into what Mr H? Your pyjamas? He thought perhaps into his jeans, the thought of wearing a suit for a few hours is purgatory for him. So the wedding party will all be in their glad rags apart from Mr H in his scruffy jeans. Nice.
To be quite honest, rather sadly, I would really rather he wasn't there, the thought of having to worry about "managing" his behaviour fills me with dread. I really want to enjoy my son's wedding, but have a horrid feeling that it will be a bit of an ordeal.
Hannah x
Thursday, 5 February 2015
Instructions set in stone - no room for manoeuvre!
A couple of weeks ago when he was working at home, Mr H made some soup, yellow split pea with frankfurters, It's a Nigella recipe, he's made it before, you cook it for ages, add chopped up frankfurters as it heats through and it's gorgeous, real comfort food.
Today I got some out of the freezer to defrost for tea, I noticed that it looked a bit "lumpy", but heated it, added the franks and served, it tasted great but the split peas were still quite hard. Mr H began with the complaints, but stopped when I pointed out that he had actually made it, so he decided it was obviously Nigellas fault! He couldn't understand where it had all gone wrong, he had followed the recipe to the letter - and therein lies the problem. He has no concept of "checking if it looks and tastes right", if he has followed the recipe then it has to be ok, there is no flexibility, no possibility of looking at something and deciding that it needs an extra 20 minutes or so cooking, no personalisation, no bloody common sense whatsoever!
He is now sitting in our living room, moaning that the soup wasn't very good, wondering why it wasn't, but not accepting any responsibility! He did wonder (briefly, until I put him right!) whether I had heated it up wrongly!
And as an added bonus, (and something else to moan about!) our TV satellite isn't working properly. It's been a bit "iffy" for the last couple of days, since the heavy winds and snow. I have managed fine with whatever TV I wanted to watch (which isn't a lot) while Mr H has been away, and even, God forbid, forgot to mention the problem to him, but when I arrived home from work today he was already home and almost beside himself as HD wasn't working; he has rung helplines, scrolled through all the menu settings, fiddled with remote controls incessantly and moaned. We will probably have to get a man in to sort it out, but in the meantime he can't believe that he has to watch TV that isn't in HD, OMG what deprivation!!
Welcome home Mr H, I sometimes think I enjoy life more when you're away!
Hannah x
Today I got some out of the freezer to defrost for tea, I noticed that it looked a bit "lumpy", but heated it, added the franks and served, it tasted great but the split peas were still quite hard. Mr H began with the complaints, but stopped when I pointed out that he had actually made it, so he decided it was obviously Nigellas fault! He couldn't understand where it had all gone wrong, he had followed the recipe to the letter - and therein lies the problem. He has no concept of "checking if it looks and tastes right", if he has followed the recipe then it has to be ok, there is no flexibility, no possibility of looking at something and deciding that it needs an extra 20 minutes or so cooking, no personalisation, no bloody common sense whatsoever!
He is now sitting in our living room, moaning that the soup wasn't very good, wondering why it wasn't, but not accepting any responsibility! He did wonder (briefly, until I put him right!) whether I had heated it up wrongly!
And as an added bonus, (and something else to moan about!) our TV satellite isn't working properly. It's been a bit "iffy" for the last couple of days, since the heavy winds and snow. I have managed fine with whatever TV I wanted to watch (which isn't a lot) while Mr H has been away, and even, God forbid, forgot to mention the problem to him, but when I arrived home from work today he was already home and almost beside himself as HD wasn't working; he has rung helplines, scrolled through all the menu settings, fiddled with remote controls incessantly and moaned. We will probably have to get a man in to sort it out, but in the meantime he can't believe that he has to watch TV that isn't in HD, OMG what deprivation!!
Welcome home Mr H, I sometimes think I enjoy life more when you're away!
Hannah x
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