TV - his one great love

Mr H is working at home this week, which involves sitting at the computer all day, troubleshooting, and getting up sporadically to moan about various people that he works with who have the audacity to contact him, asking him to problem solve. He claims to have been busy today, although possibly not as busy as me,  having cleaned the whole house,  washing, dog to vets, cleared loads in the garden and had a bonfire. Oh, and almost finished knitting a cardigan for a friends daughter who is about to have a baby.
He finished work at 4pm, and came to find me in the garden to tell me that he was exhausted, so was going to sit down. He has been sitting down all day. 30 minutes later I went into the house to find him sitting in the living room staring at the switched off TV.  "I'm trying to wind down" he said.
"Why don't you take the dog for  a quick walk? Or read your book? Or do something in the garden?" I asked.
" no I'll just sit here" he said.
For heavens sake, he really is unbelievable!!!

I sat outside in the glorious warm evening sunshine until it was getting too dark to see, and then came in to join him with his mistress, the TV, in  a ménage a trois!
Him "Is there anything you want to watch?"
Me " I wouldn't mind watching ........"
Him "well there's nothing on so we'll  watch this"
Me " jolly good, it's nice to have a choice"
Him " are you being sarcastic?"
Me " well I probably was, but I think it was wasted on you"
I give up. Have taken my knitting and the radio into the rather chilly conservatory, but at least it's better than watching absolute rubbish on TV.

Hannah x

Toothache........ the sequel!

I said in my last post that Mr H had predicted a "grim weekend" as he had toothache; well, dear reader, he was right. He has moaned incessantly all weekend and has driven me almost insane with his whingeing, despite taking as many painkillers as possible, which he has of course, done noisily, particularly in the middle of the night, with no consideration for disturbing my sleep. His melodramatic clutching of his jaw and moaning is presumably meant to bring out my caring, sympathetic side, it doesn't, it irritates me beyond words, and reinforces my belief that he is quite pathetic. His latest ploy is a countdown till his dental appointment; " it'll be all sorted in 36 hours"....."in 24 hours and 10 minutes I'll be at the dentist" etc etc.  after the third countdown I went and sat in the greenhouse!
To add to the miserable scenario, we had a guest on Saturday night, Mr H's only friend, who hasn't been to see us for 4 years, although Mr H sees him a couple of times a month when he's working away;  he's a single man in his mid 50's who I think also has undiagnosed Aspergers, presumably that's why they are friends. He's a pleasant enough chap, but like most AS men, he likes things to be his own way, can't cope with change and has to have his little rituals, one of which was a very convoluted route to get here because he didn't want to drive through any town centres that he didn't know. Consequently a 2.5 hour journey took him nearly 4 hours - I'm not sure he'll come again!

So I had the delightful experience of a Saturday night with 2 AS men, thank heaven the dog is NT, at least we were reasonably well balanced  - 2 AS men, 2 NT females! I played the social game for a while, cooked a meal for them, ate with them, made social chit chat, and then  let them commune over their love of  the TV, while I caught up on Facebook.

Said friend departed at 7.30 this morning, eager to get home to his safe haven as quickly as possible. Mr H resumed his tooth whingeing, I did usual chores, stripped washed and remade guest bed, bit of gardening, etc etc. Mr H didn't do a lot because he "didn't want to kick his toothache off" .

He's gone to bed now, he and his toothache!  Dog and I are enjoying the peace.

Hannah x

Another day - another ailment!

When Mr H has something slightly wrong with him, a minor ailment, it becomes the centre of his universe, and he thinks it should be the centre of mine too. It's not!

He went off to work on Monday ok ( he is working away all week) but by Monday night he had developed a bit of toothache, which he duly reported to me by phone. On Tuesday morning he still had it apparently (although it didn't stop him eating!) , so he rang his dentist, and then rang me, incensed because he can't get seen until Monday. The thing is, he is an absolute baby when it comes to any discomfort and wants it sorted instantly.  This evening he has rung me to report how many ibuprofen he has taken, and how much pain he is still in. He has however, managed to go out for a meal and whack down a pizza. His plan is now to ring the dentist tomorrow and insist he is seen ASAP. 

He has said that "we are in for a grim weekend" . 

You may be Mr H, I will decamp to sleep in the spare room I think, let you suffer in peace!

I sometimes get the odd day of toothache, live with it for a day or two and away it goes. If it carries on I go to the dentist. No big fuss. In fact I remember a few years ago I had very bad toothache for a couple of weeks which woke me in the night Mr H complained that I disturbed him. At the moment I have really bad backache, caused by scrubbing the kitchen floor,  but haven't mentioned it to him, there is no point, any pain he has is so much worse!

The trouble is, if I raise anything with him, he takes it as a personal insult and gets offended, and consequently sulks for days. Easier to keep quiet I think and feel I'm the better person.

Hannah x

Aspergers Happy Families

Mr H's mum came to stay last weekend, she is in her 80's and dementia has kicked in so it wasn't really a fun filled visit. Since I have known her (15 years) I have always thought her a bit odd; she has never shown any interest at all in her grandchildren (Mr H is the only one of her 3 children to reproduce, and he has 3 adult children aged 20 - 36), she never mentions them at all.
His sister, who at 62 is single and lives with mum, is odd too, has lots of anxieties and rituals, and cannot cope with any change in routine, despite having a very senior job at the local authority. She has notepads detailing every car journey she has ever made over the past 40 years,  including times of departure and arrival, and mileage. His other sister aged 56 lives round the corner with her partner, no children. They live an odd, very insular existence, very interdependent, they shun new technology (indeed any technology,) don't use the internet or mobile phones.  Mr H is the most normal of the bunch, which is saying something! It is interesting to see them all together with Mr H, and I do wonder what a psychologist would make of them all. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when they're at home.
When they are up here with us it is all a bit of a struggle, Mum in law doesn't really want to be here, she is happier at home where she feels safe and secure, that's the nature of dementia. Because she is out of her comfort zone, she becomes distressed, irritable and stroppy, saying things like " I need to go and look after my mum" ( her mum died 60 years ago) and "well I don't like it here, I'm walking home"
I say "off you go then, only 120 miles!"
I have explained to Mr H many times that this is not his mum, it's the dementia that makes her behave like this, but he doesn't seem to be able to get it, and gets irritated by his mum being irritable!

Mr H and his sister cannot or will not recognise this as dementia, they dismiss it as "she's a bit forgetful", and dismiss her occasional incontinence as " little accidents". I have suggested that they get some help, or see the GP in case there is any medication that will help, but his sister doesn't want any "interfering health workers" involved, (bit of an insult to me, a nurse for 40 years!), so they struggle on, pretending that the inevitable deterioration isn't happening, and avoiding any change in the status quo of their lives. It's very sad, this inability to accept change.

They've gone home now, I'm lying down in a darkened room!

Hannah x

Who needs Friends

Mr H doesn't have any friends, apart from an old workmate, a guy he's been mates with for 30 odd years, who also, in my humble opinion,  has undiagnosed aspergers. Mr H doesn't seem to have any need or desire to meet new people, and seems to think that it's "him and me against the world", and almost resents any intrusion into our life together. I'm probably not the most outgoing socialite either (only child, quite happy with my own company), but I do like people, and like to have some female friends. In our previous home I had good neighbours and a couple of close friends, and when we moved to this very rural area ( our village has about 25 houses and no social hub), I went out to meet people. I joined a local womens group and subsequently met and made friends with about 5 women in the village; we meet up for coffee, dog walk together, do crafts together and have a good laugh. I feel that I could call on them in a crisis, and hope they feel they could call on me.
A few weeks ago however, a guy who lives on the outskirts of the village called round to drum up support for a residents association, Mr H said we were interested and that we would go to the next meeting. The next meeting is tomorrow, and although Mr H is away for the week, he is twitching on the phone to me about it, wanting to know whether I am going. The upshot is, he doesn't want me to go to the meeting, he thinks this man is "too pushy", " he has been round twice unannounced".
What? I didn't realise people had to pre book in order to ring our doorbell. I'd better warn the postman! I said to him that I will decide tomorrow whether or not I go to the meeting, and that he cannot dictate to me who I do and don't see. He's not a happy bunny, his world may be breached by an intruder!
I worry for him in the future, if I were to die first he would have no supportive friends. He seems to be very happy living in isolation with me, I am not happy living in isolation with him.
Where next?
Hannah x