Finding it so hard to be positive at the moment

I'm really aware that most of my posts have been quite negative, and I have to say that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Unusually for me, I've been a bit down and analytical these past few days and although I'm trying hard to stay positive and upbeat, I'm finding it a bit of a struggle. I think that Mr H's negativity and pessimism is rubbing off on me and wearing me down.
I checked out the "different together" website, and looked at some of the Tony Atwood videos, and I think that has made me feel even worse, the realisation that this is not going to get better (not that I didn't really know, but hearing it said was  a bit of a wake up  call), I am always going to be his "mother", and that it is like having a child with a disability who will never grow up. It feels like hard work, depressing  and demotivating, and not what I want from a relationship.

Mr H is away this week with work. As I think I have said before, he feels the need to phone me at set times; 6.30 am when he gets to work, 4pm when he leaves work, 7pm when he has eaten and 9.30 pm before he goes to bed. These are "duty calls", nothing of any significance is said, if I try to chat, he quickly cuts me off. 9.15 this evening the phone rings;
Mr H "hi, are you ok"
Me " yes I'm fine, you?"
Mr H " I'm exhausted, I've never felt so tired, I hope I'm not ill. I'm going to bed"
Me " ok night then"
Mr H " I'll ring you in the morning"

The call took all of 20 seconds. I don't know why he bothers, apart from the fact that he is ticking a box. He doesn't actually care how I am or if I have something to say, he has made contact and therefore feels he has fulfilled his duty. It is all so predictable and so boring, and at the moment I am not sure if I can or want to carry on in this one-sided "relationship".

Hannah x

"It's not my fault" - well if you'd read the instructions.........

I seem to be copying Laura over at muddlingthroughaspergers again, this time about shifting the blame. Mr H is at home today and decided to make a lemon meringue pie (lord only knows why as there are only the two of us home, and I'm on a diet). I went out shopping and returned to chaos and disaster.....firstly he was using a baking tin far too small, but when I pointed this out he said "well I didn't know" despite the fact that the tin size was in the recipe. So I decided to let him get on with it......but was called in from the garden on no less than 5 occasions to tell him where an ingredient or utensil was. Because the tin was so small, the filling almost came over the top. I said nothing, but returned to my gardening. Next he starts making the meringue, the recipe clearly says beat the egg whites into stiff peaks then add the sugar a spoonful at a time. " the meringue won't work, maybe there's something wrong with the eggs" he whines plaintively, actually what is wrong is that he's mixed the whites and sugar at the start. " well it wasn't very clear" he says "what shall I do?"
"You'll have to start again with the meringue" he is now banging around the kitchen in a sulk, because he didn't read the recipe!
He does this all the time, with cooking, assembling flat pack furniture, anything that requires instructions, he doesn't read the instructions properly and then tries to shift the blame when it goes wrong. Best to keep out of his way while he's sulking though!

Hannah x

The constant negativity

The constant negativity of life with this man really grinds me down. I have said before that I am intrinsically a positive person, but sometimes I really struggle to stay positive when Mr H is so negative. This week he is being a typical middle aged man and moaning about the weather. Now it's pretty good here, warm enough and we have had no rain since last week, but because it's not blazing sunshine he's whinging.
He's working at home this week which involves sitting at a computer. Yesterday, I walked the dog, cleaned the house thoroughly downstairs, including cleaning windows, then spent 2 hours cutting back conifers at the bottom of the garden - so was pretty glad it wasn't blazing heat! Today I walked the dog, ironed, drove to our local market town for shopping, then cut the grass, whereas  he is still moaning because the sky is cloudy. But now the sun is out, it's warm, I'm sitting in the garden, where is he? Yes that's right, watching TV in the living room.
Give me strength

• Hannah x

Lack of self control

Laura over at muddlingthroughaspergers.blogspot.co.uk  talked about lack of self control in her last post, and it has made me even more aware of Mr H's failings in this department. We have had a good day, got lots of jobs done in the house and garden, and, added bonus, the sun came out at about 4pm, just as we finished our chores, so we sat in the garden with a glass of wine and chatted - all very civilised.
We had our tea outside, and some more wine, I went to sit in the conservatory to read, Mr H stayed outside and drank lots more wine, before disappearing to the top of the garden with his guitar and a bottle of wine which is always a sign that he is very much worse for wear.  I wandered down after a while and he was strumming away tunelessly, and well on the way to being blind drunk. 30 minutes or so later (it's now  9. 30 pm ish) I hear a big crash from the bottom of the garden, the dog barks and we both run down and find the chairs upturned on the decking. For one glorious moment I thought he had fallen into the pond ( my life as a Merry Widow played out before me and I instantly calculated the insurance payout in my head!) but no, he is totally ratarsed and having a wee in the corner of the garden behind the summerhouse.  Nice. He didn't realise that I saw him.  He managed to put his guitar into the summerhouse (although I was very very tempted to shove it outside for the night) before staggering back into the house and up to bed, I am now in the garden watching the bats and contemplating a peaceful night in the spare room.
He cannot stop at a few glasses of wine, he seems unable to stop when he starts becoming stupid. I like a glass or three of wine, he likes a couple of bottles. When we have guests I worry that he will make a total twat of himself, and am constantly on edge. This is no life.

Hannah x

Happy Birthday - Mr H has taken to his bed .......

As I have said before, Mr H "enjoys poor digestion"! He has been prescribed meds for IBS, and has had investigations which resulted in meds for a hiatus hernia. Despite these diagnoses and advice, he, of course, knows best and continues to eat and drink things that he shouldn't, with sometimes dramatic results. He just cannot learn from his mistakes.

It was my birthday on Friday, (not a "significant" one just yet, but we are on countdown!), so we went out for lunch yesterday to a local pub. Despite knowing from bitter experience that eating steak causes him problems, he decided to have steak! About 3 mouthfuls in, he got up and went to the loo, 5 long minutes later he came back and told me he would wait in the car. I got up and followed him,  leaving 2 meals mostly uneaten  and mumbling embarrassed excuses to the staff as I left. This has happened before.  For the next 24 hours, he has been unable to even sip water without vomiting, has heartburn and hiccups, and has been to the GP today and been given different meds. I have to say I was hoping he would be admitted to hospital! He has now taken to his bed (5pm) because he is exhausted, well so am I as he was up and down all night and although I decamped to the spare room, I was aware of his wanderings, door banging and moaning, because he cannot think of anyone apart from himself, and sees no need for quiet.  He has obviously had to stay off work today and tomorrow at least.

On my last trip upstairs with water, I told him in no uncertain terms that although I am sympathetic to his current discomfort, I will not eat out with him, or go on holiday with him, until he stops eating and drinking stuff that upsets him, as I am sick of the embarrassment that it causes me. And I mean it. He has apologised profusely,  (although with the caveat that he "can't help it") but I know that as soon as he feels better he will be knocking back the full fat foods and the red wine.

This man causes me such grief, work and hassle. I can see nothing positive at the moment.

Hannah x

Lack of empathy

I know that lack of empathy is an Asperger trait, and I should be used to it by now, but sometimes, instead of always being the strong one, I need to be able to fall apart when the situation calls for it.

This week, I have heard 2 pieces of bad news which have really got to me; firstly that a young woman who I knew over 10 years ago, had killed herself. She had had quite serious mental health problems  when at school, and I tried very hard to help her when I was working there, obviously I didn't help that much as I heard that she killed herself a couple of weeks ago aged 27. I have found myself wondering if I could have done more for her. The second piece of bad news is that a former colleague, a fantastic teacher, and a good friend, who I haven't. Seen since I moved away 2 years ago, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, aged just 62. I have spent a lot of time thinking about her and her family, and generally feeling pretty sad.

Mr H came home from work yesterday, and I told him about these 2 pieces of sad news. His response? "I don't know these people so I don't know why you are upset". Thanks for that Mr H, I really don't know why I bother.

Hannah x

Faffing about.........

I have never known anyone faff about as much as Mr H, indeed if faffing were an Olympic sport he would have many gold medals. Everything has to be planned and organised in advance - no spontaneity here!
He is at home this week, unexpectedly, should have been away all week but an IT glitch meant he could come home last night. Whoopee I said. He has been working at home while I got on with normal chores, ironing, cleaning etc, I also wanted to make a start clearing some hugely overgrown shrubs in the front garden. One in particular is very spikey and difficult to get at, Mr H thought we might make an attempt at it on Sunday! Well no, it's going to rain on Sunday, so when he nipped out to get his hair cut (a whole new story!) I sawed through the trunk of the offending shrub and removed it, on his return he was somewhat surprised, and is, as we speak, trying to decide what we will do on Sunday! It's good to be the winner sometimes

Hannah x