Rebel Rebel........

Mr H's need to control me and my life, even from a distance, drives me insane, and this week I have rebelled! Me,  a 58 year old rebel! Get in!!
We have wanted a chest of drawers for our landing for ages, have trawled antiques shops etc, but last week I found the perfect one on eBay and just a few (25) miles away, and for a good price. Mr H, of course, was not convinced, although he liked the picture, he had to try and find the negative.

Him  "is it the right size"?
Me "well yes because I have measured"
Him " what if it is rubbish"?
Me " well the seller says he accepts returns, so no problem"
I have taken the opportunity of Mr H being away this week, and have put in an offer for the chest, won it and told Mr H on the phone.
He immediately tried , as he always does, to take control.
Him " that's great, (although with the caveat "I hope it's ok") we'll go and pick it up on Friday"
Me " the vendor is away Friday so I'm picking it up tomorrow afternoon"
Him (panic rising as he realises he hast lost control) " you will need to go through the town centre"
Me " yes, but I have satnav, and I've done it several times before"
Him " it will be getting dark"
Me " I have been driving for  30  odd years, if I can't drive in the dark, I don't deserve to have a licence."

He is panicking, he isn't able to control me, he likes the idea that I am in the house when he is away, where he knows where I am, not wandering the countryside, ebaying!   he has sent me countless texts about possible roadworks, diversions, suggestions, do I want to wait a week to pick it up until he can come with me? No I bloody well don't, I will do it myself, rebel that I am!!

Hannah x

A weekend away, and talking about Aspergers!

Last weekend I went away with a friend for a couple of nights, and we had a fabulous time shopping, drinking wine, talking and eating. Not necessarily in that order! We spent a lot of time talking (or moaning!)  about our husbands, as women do. My friend's husband is a senior civil servant, who has what I think are lots of AS traits, for example no empathy, no emotion, selfishness, rituals and set routines etc etc. He has always been much the same but she feels he is getting worse now in his mid 50's.  She has confronted him recently about their relationship, but he won't discuss, and he describes "putting things away in a box in his head" as his way of dealing with difficult or emotional situations, such as when his father died recently.  When I described some of Mr H's less endearing traits and suggested that I think he has AS, my friend had a lightbulb moment, but knows that her husband wouldn't accept diagnosis.
So we are in the same depressing boat, 2 women in our mid / late 50s, feeling completely trapped in our marriages. We agreed that it's not all bad, that our husbands do have some redeeming features, (hers is good at DIY, not too sure what mine is good at!) but that we mostly feel pretty ground down, demoralised and miserable by putting their needs first all the time, and by not having our needs met.
We came to realise that in order to stay in our marriages, and to stay sane, we have to both find other ways of getting "positive strokes", either through work, friends, children, grandchildren.
It's a sad realisation that your marriage is never going to meet or fulfil your needs, but trying to find a positive slant, I am so lucky that I have some wonderful friends and we support each other .

Hannah x

PS, when I got home, after a 4 hour drive, Mr H greeted me, not with a kiss, or a cup of tea, but with an update on his toothache, followed by a list of things he had done while I was away, hoovered,  cleaned the sink, done a load of washing. I was tempted to drive straight back off!

Happy holidays

Mr H has been at home for the past 2 weeks, and I have to say I am sick of the sight of him! He worked at home for a week and then had a weeks holiday, and he has spent that week hanging around the house, being grumpy, moaning and whingeing about his toothache (yes dear reader, the toothache is ongoing, 2 trips to the dentist, a course of antibiotics and countless painkillers later), his indigestion, the weather ( too warm, too dry, too windy, too cloudy etc etc). He really doesn't know what to do with himself  when not working, so I am dreading him retiring in a couple of years. It's not as if there is nothing to do, there are plenty of jobs to get on with in the house and garden, it's just that he can't just "do" something spontaneously, it has to be planned. So instead of looking at the garden and thinking " the grass needs cutting, I'll do it now, it'll only take half an hour" like a normal person would, Mr H thinks " the grass needs cutting so i'll schedule it in my plans for the day after tomorrow". Consequently he almost never cuts the grass because I do it when it needs doing, same as with any other house and garden chores. This week he has also been nagging me to clear the summerhouse out ready for winter ( he has been nagging me to do it since august bank holiday), as things like cushions get a bit damp and need putting away, but as we are still in the grip of an Indian summer, there's no need to do it just yet. This is upsetting Mr H because in his head, summer is over by the end of August and we should be snowed in, in front of a blazing fire with our winter woollies on, I, on the other hand, am enjoying this last bit of summer and will not be bullied into winter mode. And it is bullying sometimes, he goes on and on about whatever his current focus is, until he wears me down and I give in. Not this time though, summer can carry on till Christmas for me.  The thing is, yet again, it won't take long to do, 30 minutes max, but I know it is driving him mad!
Oh well, he's away next week, and I can't wait.

Hannah x