Mr H always has to be right, and usually I let him get away with it, working on the principle that he thinks he is right, let him think he is right, I know I am right, I have the upper hand and I know he is behaving like a tw*t. Occasionally I just can't let it go, and have to argue my point, but I am always conscious that this could turn into a full blown meltdown on his part, and I really can't be doing with it, I survived my children's toddler and teenage tantrums, I don't want to do it all over again with a 56 year old man. He has had some spectacular meltdowns when stressed, and it is difficult to love and respect for a man who behaves like a 2 year old when stressed; I sometimes feel like his mother rather than his wife.
This morning, I was going out to see a friend and staying over, and was planning to include a bit of a shopping trip. He is working at home and dog sitting. I was eating my toast when he asked me if I was planning to visit ikea first
Me (mumbling through toast) "yes"
He then comes and stands in front of me, eyebrows raised as if waiting for an answer.
Me " yes, I said yes when you asked me"
Him" you didn't say anything"
Me " I did, I said yes"
Him.........well you get the picture, it goes on and on until I say of course he is right, I must have imagined that I said yes. He accepts this as he thinks that he has "won". He fails to pick up the irony in my voice.
I can get that I may have mumbled, but I know I responded, he cannot get that he may not have heard. This is when he is a tw*t, and when he irritates me beyond belief.
I finished my breakfast and left, he wanted to give me a hug but I wouldn't. He seemed to have no idea that the argument about my response to him and my not wanting to hug him were connected.
I have had a lovely relaxed day / evening with my friend, we have shopped, chatted , had lovely food, lovely wine, and enjoyed each other's company, without ever worrying about someone getting the wrong end of the stick.
He, on the other hand, is missing me (not reciprocated at the moment!), or ,with my cynical head on, wanting to regain control. He has been texting me all day, asking me what I have bought, what I am eating, am I having a good time.
Well I am going to enjoy the rest of my evening, with another glass of red and NT company!
Cheers Hannah x
Thursday, 24 April 2014
Monday, 21 April 2014
Ailment of the day 2 and a Sleepless night
Yesterday morning the weather was lovely so Mr H and I managed to get the garden shed painted before the inevitable bank holiday rain came. But of course he had to moan about something, and yesterday it was painful knees caused, he thought after much deliberation and analysis, by standing on a ladder for a couple of minutes to paint the very high bits. Listening to him, you'd have thought he'd painted the Forth Road Bridge instead of an average garden shed.
Later in the day, I felt a bit off colour with a stomach ache, but didn't say much ( what's the point? He would try to outdo me!) and dozed in the chair, although I was aware of Mr H grumbling and moaning sporadically. The moany one took himself off to bed at 9pm, exhausted by his exertions (approximately 30 minutes painting) while I perked up and watched a programme on TV until about 10.30 then went to bed. All was well until about 1.30 when Mr H woke, and of course woke me. Now if I get up in the night I creep around so as not to disturb him, if I can't sleep I get up quietly and go downstairs so as not to disturb him. He, however seems to think that if he is awake then so should I be, and he proceeded to toss and turn, fidget about, sigh loudly and moan and groan. I lay quietly hoping he would go back to sleep but after an hour I gave up and decamped to the spare room ( oh the joy when you have no children living at home of having a spare room!) which he took as a personal insult, went all defensive and said "I can't help it" (which I will have engraved on his tombstone!), but I had a lovely few hours sleep. This morning he apologised for disturbing me (although still adamant that it wasn't his fault) but very keen to tell me that he had thought his knees were going to explode! I had a lucky escape then, if I'd stayed in bed with him I could have been hit by exploding knee debris!
He really is so very self- centred, he has no concept of how his behaviour impacts on others, and no concept of the need for some self restraint and self control.
Well rant over, another day another dollar. But wait - What was that noise I just heard? It sounded like knees exploding!
Hannah x
Later in the day, I felt a bit off colour with a stomach ache, but didn't say much ( what's the point? He would try to outdo me!) and dozed in the chair, although I was aware of Mr H grumbling and moaning sporadically. The moany one took himself off to bed at 9pm, exhausted by his exertions (approximately 30 minutes painting) while I perked up and watched a programme on TV until about 10.30 then went to bed. All was well until about 1.30 when Mr H woke, and of course woke me. Now if I get up in the night I creep around so as not to disturb him, if I can't sleep I get up quietly and go downstairs so as not to disturb him. He, however seems to think that if he is awake then so should I be, and he proceeded to toss and turn, fidget about, sigh loudly and moan and groan. I lay quietly hoping he would go back to sleep but after an hour I gave up and decamped to the spare room ( oh the joy when you have no children living at home of having a spare room!) which he took as a personal insult, went all defensive and said "I can't help it" (which I will have engraved on his tombstone!), but I had a lovely few hours sleep. This morning he apologised for disturbing me (although still adamant that it wasn't his fault) but very keen to tell me that he had thought his knees were going to explode! I had a lucky escape then, if I'd stayed in bed with him I could have been hit by exploding knee debris!
He really is so very self- centred, he has no concept of how his behaviour impacts on others, and no concept of the need for some self restraint and self control.
Well rant over, another day another dollar. But wait - What was that noise I just heard? It sounded like knees exploding!
Hannah x
Monday, 7 April 2014
self obsessed but not self aware.....
I have said before that Mr H is self obsessed, like a child or a teenager (and I have had 4 so I know!), he thinks that the world revolves around him, and that he is the centre of everyone's universe. He sees situations only in the way that they impact on him; for example this week we are having some building work done in our house which has meant the electricity was going to be switched off for a couple of hours today, and we have also had to move some kitchen stuff and bits of furniture into other rooms for a few days. This has thrown him into an absolute turmoil and panic, he has been finding things to worry about all weekend, such as "what will I have for breakfast?" Normally he has toast but that might be difficult if there is no power, I suggested cereal, but his reply was "but I always have toast". He could also have bought something to eat on his way to work, but that wasn't an option for him either. Lets face it, he's not going to fade away, there is still food available for him to eat. I'm the one who has been in the house all day in total chaos, brick dust everywhere, no electricity, no water. But hey, he's at work out of the way so not his problem now!
He really has no understanding of (or possibly no interest in) how other people may be feeling about a situation, only the effect on him, which is one of the many reasons that I think he has Aspergers Syndrome. Some 10 or so years ago now, I received a letter following a breast screening exam, suggesting some abnormality and inviting me for a hospital appointment. I was understandably anxious, and was upset when he got home from work, but instead of asking me what was wrong, he launched into a rant about his awful day at work (he was very stressed by work at the time but still.....). When I showed him my hospital letter, he said "its always about you isn't it". I was speechless; he had no concept of my anxiety about possibly having breast cancer but only saw the impact that it had on him in that I wasn't particularly sympathetic to him. There have been many such incidents over the years but that one stands out in my mind.
I sit here sometimes (often if I am honest) and wonder why I am still with this man who I find so frustrating and difficult, and who is so socially inept. When we first got together I loved his honesty and his reliability, if he made a commitment he followed it through. Now I think that those admirable traits were and are part of is AS, he is brutally honest to the point of rudeness at times, and his reliability often feels like he is "ticking boxes", for instance if he is away from home in the evening I know he has to phone home at set times, if I don't answer he gets into a panic because he can't tick me off his mental ticklist, same goes with speaking to his adult children.
I do love him in some ways, although its certainly not earth shattering any more, and perhaps more fondness than love. I think we "rub along" fairly well together, but I often feel like his mother rather than his wife and I honestly don't think he is aware of this. He is usually kind, tells me often that he loves me, and is a good provider. I have lots of hobbies, interests and friends, he does very little apart from watching TV. Too old now to separate even if I wanted to, so I will have to sit it out and try to work at it.
sorry for the rather negative rant!
Hannah x
He really has no understanding of (or possibly no interest in) how other people may be feeling about a situation, only the effect on him, which is one of the many reasons that I think he has Aspergers Syndrome. Some 10 or so years ago now, I received a letter following a breast screening exam, suggesting some abnormality and inviting me for a hospital appointment. I was understandably anxious, and was upset when he got home from work, but instead of asking me what was wrong, he launched into a rant about his awful day at work (he was very stressed by work at the time but still.....). When I showed him my hospital letter, he said "its always about you isn't it". I was speechless; he had no concept of my anxiety about possibly having breast cancer but only saw the impact that it had on him in that I wasn't particularly sympathetic to him. There have been many such incidents over the years but that one stands out in my mind.
I sit here sometimes (often if I am honest) and wonder why I am still with this man who I find so frustrating and difficult, and who is so socially inept. When we first got together I loved his honesty and his reliability, if he made a commitment he followed it through. Now I think that those admirable traits were and are part of is AS, he is brutally honest to the point of rudeness at times, and his reliability often feels like he is "ticking boxes", for instance if he is away from home in the evening I know he has to phone home at set times, if I don't answer he gets into a panic because he can't tick me off his mental ticklist, same goes with speaking to his adult children.
I do love him in some ways, although its certainly not earth shattering any more, and perhaps more fondness than love. I think we "rub along" fairly well together, but I often feel like his mother rather than his wife and I honestly don't think he is aware of this. He is usually kind, tells me often that he loves me, and is a good provider. I have lots of hobbies, interests and friends, he does very little apart from watching TV. Too old now to separate even if I wanted to, so I will have to sit it out and try to work at it.
sorry for the rather negative rant!
Hannah x
Tuesday, 1 April 2014
Ailment of the week is...........
Mr H is somewhat self obsessed; not particularly in his looks (although he is incapable of walking past a mirror without checking his silver locks!), but more in his body and it's functions. A small spot on his face can grow in his mind into a flesh eating tumour, and he will obsess about it constantly for a couple of weeks until another ailment takes centre stage. He has an overwhelming need to talk about whatever ailment is flavour of the week, and to discuss possible causes, treatments and outcomes, but having worked as a nurse for almost 40 years, I have had my fill of illness, and am not particularly sympathetic. I have told him in no uncertain terms that I have no desire to know about the vagaries of his bowels, or that he has been sick, but he continues to tell me anyway.
The latest ailment has been a cut finger, over a week ago now. It was, admittedly quite a nasty cut, but I cleaned and dressed it, and checked daily to make sure there was no infection there. Initially he worried about whether he should go to A&E, I said "well it's up to you dear, go if you want to, they'll probably give you a tetanus jab", which focussed his mind somewhat and he decided against! However for the past 10 days he has told me at least 10 times a day that
a) it's still sore
b) it's stopped bleeding
c) it's still sore
d) please will I check it
On and on and on. I did offer to put his arm in a sling (tongue in cheek) but he didn't get the irony and said that he'd see how it went! The story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf springs to mind, and I'm sure the day will come when he is seriously ill and I take no notice. Hopefully my training and experience will help, but I have suggested to him that I will put "I told you I was ill" on his gravestone, as did Spike Milligan!
I still don't know whether this is his personality, middle aged man syndrome, extreme male brain, or one of his Aspergers traits, and I suppose it doesn't really matter, it's infuriating, and like having a
child - although my children were and are much more stoical.
The worst thing about all this self obsession, is that if I (foolishly) mention to him that I have an ache or pain somewhere, he dismisses it totally and regales me with a list of his own symptoms, which are invariably worse than mine; consequently I almost never say anything to him.
I'm just about to resume ironing, he's just called up the stairs to tell me that he thinks his finger is almost healed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh I'm going to kill him!
The latest ailment has been a cut finger, over a week ago now. It was, admittedly quite a nasty cut, but I cleaned and dressed it, and checked daily to make sure there was no infection there. Initially he worried about whether he should go to A&E, I said "well it's up to you dear, go if you want to, they'll probably give you a tetanus jab", which focussed his mind somewhat and he decided against! However for the past 10 days he has told me at least 10 times a day that
a) it's still sore
b) it's stopped bleeding
c) it's still sore
d) please will I check it
On and on and on. I did offer to put his arm in a sling (tongue in cheek) but he didn't get the irony and said that he'd see how it went! The story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf springs to mind, and I'm sure the day will come when he is seriously ill and I take no notice. Hopefully my training and experience will help, but I have suggested to him that I will put "I told you I was ill" on his gravestone, as did Spike Milligan!
I still don't know whether this is his personality, middle aged man syndrome, extreme male brain, or one of his Aspergers traits, and I suppose it doesn't really matter, it's infuriating, and like having a
child - although my children were and are much more stoical.
The worst thing about all this self obsession, is that if I (foolishly) mention to him that I have an ache or pain somewhere, he dismisses it totally and regales me with a list of his own symptoms, which are invariably worse than mine; consequently I almost never say anything to him.
I'm just about to resume ironing, he's just called up the stairs to tell me that he thinks his finger is almost healed. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh I'm going to kill him!
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