Mr H is away this week with work, and I am relishing the spontaneity of life! If he were here, Mr H would have just fed the dog, as he has a self inflicted rule that she should be fed at 5pm, however she is snoring quietly beside me at the moment and oblivious to the fact that it's gone 5.30. (Although she has just woken up and looked at the clock and then at me!)
I can also eat what I want, when I want, rather than planning meals days in advance as he likes to do, and having tea at 6.30. I like nothing better than wondering what to have for tea that night, looking in the fridge and veg basket and concocting something; he is more of a meat and veg man and likes to know what he will be eating a week ahead, which I find a tad boring. I do sometimes rebel and refuse to plan meals but it causes him anxiety and it's usually not worth the effort as I end up stressed by his stress.
Even when I was working full time and had young children, I didn't plan everything to the nth degree, and I could always stretch a meal to feed an extra couple of people if the kids brought friends home. Mr H can't cope with that at all, our kids are now all grown up and have partners but when they come to visit, he wants all meals and mealtimes planned out, and he expects them to know exactly what time they will arrive - life just doesn't work like that! He gets quite stressed by the change of routine if they are coming at 7pm after work, he can't understand that not everyone plans every detail of their lives, and furthermore he can't understand why they don't!
I am finding that his rules and rigidity are getting worse as he gets older, which is a shame as he is semi-retired and should be able to go with the flow a bit more; I am having to "do my own thing" more and more in order not to be dragged down by it all.
Well it's now 5.45 so I'd better feed the dog before she fades away, and then I'll have a look in the fridge for inspiration. He's back on Friday so I'm making the most of it!
Hannah x
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Pessimist v Optimist -
I am essentially an optimist; I tend to see the positive and good in things and people until proven otherwise. This is not always a good thing I suppose, it can make me vulnerable to exploitation, but Mr H is the very opposite, the eternal pessimist. He sees bad or potential bad in everything and everyone, and his negativity can be very wearing at times, and I have to make a conscious effort to rise above his endless negativity before it drags me down. I'm not sure whether this is an Asperger trait, an extreme male brain trait, or just his personality, but it sure does make life difficult.
A small example, in my last post I talked about his hair-pulling ritual and "uncomfortable hair", well yesterday after work he went to get his hair cut, he has been to this barbers for a few months now and usually finds something to moan about after each visit, hair cut too short, hair not short enough, etc etc, and in his normal negative way he was anticipating that something would be wrong:
Him " they'll probably make a mess of my hair again"
Me "well if they do you'll have to try another barber"
Him " none of them cut it right, they all make a mess of it
Me "see what happens this time before you start complaining"
So, he comes back from the barbers, pleased with his haircut, and of course he is surprised and slightly suspicious I think, that it has all gone well. Nothing to complain about then? No chance, he is already anticipating that next time the barber will cut his hair wrong again!
And another thing, to add to the grinding negativity, he catastrophises, builds everything up into the worse case scenario. This week he is working at home, he has had a message that his boss needs to speak to him, but isn't available when Mr H tries to ring. So with no justification whatsoever, he has decided that he is going to be sacked. As I write this, he is pacing around the house, worrying. It may be that his boss wants to give him some more work to do, it may be that he is getting a pay rise.....but no, it's got to be the worst case scenario in his eyes. And I have to say, if he does lose his job it will be the worst case scenario for me, as he'll be pacing about all day every day - if I don't murder him!
It's not all negative, he can be lovely, kind, loyal and loving, but trying to stay sane and positive is an uphill struggle at times.
Well I'm off to get my hair cut now, hope they don't make a mess of it!
Hannah x
A small example, in my last post I talked about his hair-pulling ritual and "uncomfortable hair", well yesterday after work he went to get his hair cut, he has been to this barbers for a few months now and usually finds something to moan about after each visit, hair cut too short, hair not short enough, etc etc, and in his normal negative way he was anticipating that something would be wrong:
Him " they'll probably make a mess of my hair again"
Me "well if they do you'll have to try another barber"
Him " none of them cut it right, they all make a mess of it
Me "see what happens this time before you start complaining"
So, he comes back from the barbers, pleased with his haircut, and of course he is surprised and slightly suspicious I think, that it has all gone well. Nothing to complain about then? No chance, he is already anticipating that next time the barber will cut his hair wrong again!
And another thing, to add to the grinding negativity, he catastrophises, builds everything up into the worse case scenario. This week he is working at home, he has had a message that his boss needs to speak to him, but isn't available when Mr H tries to ring. So with no justification whatsoever, he has decided that he is going to be sacked. As I write this, he is pacing around the house, worrying. It may be that his boss wants to give him some more work to do, it may be that he is getting a pay rise.....but no, it's got to be the worst case scenario in his eyes. And I have to say, if he does lose his job it will be the worst case scenario for me, as he'll be pacing about all day every day - if I don't murder him!
It's not all negative, he can be lovely, kind, loyal and loving, but trying to stay sane and positive is an uphill struggle at times.
Well I'm off to get my hair cut now, hope they don't make a mess of it!
Hannah x
Sunday, 16 March 2014
Is it me? Aspergers and silly rituals
Oh good heavens, he is driving me mad!
My husband has Asperger Syndrome, undiagnosed by a medical professional, but having worked for many years as a mental health nurse, I am pretty sure he has it, although I have been reading recently that there is a fine line between AS and the extreme male brain. Well whichever it is, it is bloody hard to live with. I am writing this blog as a vent for my frustrations, and also to hopefully share some coping strategies with others in the same boat.
He has lots of rituals and they are getting worse, many are connected to bodily functions of some sort, eg very loud and frequent nose blowing (for god's sake, if everyone in the country made as much noise blowing their noses we would all be deaf!). Lots of others too, and they seem to wax and wane in importance to him. At the moment, the ritual of the month is fiddling with his hair, grabbing a bit of hair, twisting it round and tugging it hard. This afternoon we were sat in the conservatory after working hard in the garden, he was continually pulling at his hair, and also told me about 5 times in 10 minutes that he needed to get his hair cut. Eventually, after biting my lip for as long as I could, I said in a neutral, non confrontational tone, "you'll get a bald patch if you keep pulling at your hair".
Immediate bristling by him, "well I won't touch my own hair then"
Me in jokey tone "ok, don't want your hair falling out eh?"
Him "it's obviously annoying you"
Me "well yes it is, you are constantly fiddling with your hair"
Him "well when I get it cut it will stop being uncomfortable"
Uncomfortable hair? What? I know that people with AS can be over sensitive to sensations, but uncomfortable hair? Give me strength!
My main coping strategy is to keep out of his way when I find him particularly irritating. I am so lucky as we don't have any children living with us now, so I don't have anyone else to consider most of the time, and can go and sit in another room if I am struggling. That has just made me think, is it me who is irritable and intolerant? Who knows, but I will keep writing, it may keep me sane!
Hannah x
My husband has Asperger Syndrome, undiagnosed by a medical professional, but having worked for many years as a mental health nurse, I am pretty sure he has it, although I have been reading recently that there is a fine line between AS and the extreme male brain. Well whichever it is, it is bloody hard to live with. I am writing this blog as a vent for my frustrations, and also to hopefully share some coping strategies with others in the same boat.
He has lots of rituals and they are getting worse, many are connected to bodily functions of some sort, eg very loud and frequent nose blowing (for god's sake, if everyone in the country made as much noise blowing their noses we would all be deaf!). Lots of others too, and they seem to wax and wane in importance to him. At the moment, the ritual of the month is fiddling with his hair, grabbing a bit of hair, twisting it round and tugging it hard. This afternoon we were sat in the conservatory after working hard in the garden, he was continually pulling at his hair, and also told me about 5 times in 10 minutes that he needed to get his hair cut. Eventually, after biting my lip for as long as I could, I said in a neutral, non confrontational tone, "you'll get a bald patch if you keep pulling at your hair".
Immediate bristling by him, "well I won't touch my own hair then"
Me in jokey tone "ok, don't want your hair falling out eh?"
Him "it's obviously annoying you"
Me "well yes it is, you are constantly fiddling with your hair"
Him "well when I get it cut it will stop being uncomfortable"
Uncomfortable hair? What? I know that people with AS can be over sensitive to sensations, but uncomfortable hair? Give me strength!
My main coping strategy is to keep out of his way when I find him particularly irritating. I am so lucky as we don't have any children living with us now, so I don't have anyone else to consider most of the time, and can go and sit in another room if I am struggling. That has just made me think, is it me who is irritable and intolerant? Who knows, but I will keep writing, it may keep me sane!
Hannah x
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