Most of the time that Mr H and I are together, I can escape to another room, or even escape the house, if I feel I need to. Today, we have spent 8 hours in close proximity, 6 of those hours in a car. We went to visit his mum, who is in her 80's, has dementia, and is slowly fading away, Mr H sees her at least every couple of weeks when he works "down south", but I hadn't seen her since last summer and felt I ought to. It's a 3 hour journey, and there is no room for us to stay there, and I wouldn't want to, so we had to do a 6 hour drive, with a one hour visit in the middle.
We agreed to share the driving and I assumed one would drive there and the other would drive back, but no, Mr H had planned that I would drive halfway and then he would take over. Fine, no problem, but he insisted on telling me which lane to get in, which exit to take on each roundabout, and even what gear to select when descending a slightly icy hill. I have driven this route many times. I am a competent driver. I wanted to kill him, but held back! We arrived at his mums house, had a brief visit to the old lady who had no idea who we were, a chat to his sister, a cup of coffee and then off we went. He set off on the first leg of the drive, and then I took over, when he, yet again, started telling me how to drive.
"At the next roundabout you need to take the 3rd exit" he said. As I said, I know the road but not as well as he does, I was expecting the next roundabout any minute ......10 bloody miles later I reached it! Who on earth gives these sort of directions - oh yes, a man with AS! And to cap it all, he had to read every road sign to me, every village name, every landmark, and as an added bonus, a countdown of how many miles/ minutes till we got to the next junction/ town/ home. It will be a very long time before I repeat the experience I hope.
Since we got home, I have lurked upstairs in my craft room / spare bedroom, 8 hours in close proximity is too much, I want to break free!!
Hannah x
Friday, 30 January 2015
Saturday, 10 January 2015
Peace, perfect peace.........
It is 6.30 on Sunday morning and I am sitting in the living room with a cup of tea, cuddled up to the dog, enjoying the early morning peace and quiet, before Mr H gets up and starts organising me. It's "me time" and I love it, just to be able to read, or write, or think for an hour or so without fear of interruption, while he sleeps upstairs, no doubt dreaming of new ways of running my life!
My New Years resolution is to be more positive in my thoughts and reactions to Mr H, and I'm starting now ( although it's a bit like losing weight, I'll probably fall off the wagon after a few days!). What I have come to realise over the past few weeks, is that treating him (in my head mostly) like a child is not good for our relationship, I don't want to be his mother, we should be two adults. It's the old transactional analysis thing, if our relationship is parent / child, then we will both play those roles, and it's not healthy for us.
So I have resolved to be an adult rather than a parent, I will take time for me (even if it's at silly o'clock!), follow some of my own desires and not give in to everything that he wants me to do or be.
Quite often, I react to what I think is injustice and stubbornness from Mr H, whereas if I hold my tongue (not easy!) and keep quiet, he will often come round to my way of thinking - and I get what I want. There have been 2 examples of this over Christmas; firstly the bathroom. Our bathroom is ok, it's liveable with, but I would like a better shower, and to make better use of the small space, and for it to be a bit more modern. Mr H has always argued that it's fine and doesn't warrant spending money on, but now there is a possibility of a friend of his from the US coming to stay with us for a few weeks next year, he thinks it might be a good idea to get the bathroom done. Result!
Secondly, I said in my last post about giving my son £1000 towards his wedding, and that Mr H wasn't happy about it. Yesterday, just after I had been speaking to son and fiancée about venues etc, Mr H said that the £1000 was in our savings account and that I could take it out whenever I want. Result 2!!
So hopefully 2015 will be the year of positive thinking. Watch this space........
Hannah x
My New Years resolution is to be more positive in my thoughts and reactions to Mr H, and I'm starting now ( although it's a bit like losing weight, I'll probably fall off the wagon after a few days!). What I have come to realise over the past few weeks, is that treating him (in my head mostly) like a child is not good for our relationship, I don't want to be his mother, we should be two adults. It's the old transactional analysis thing, if our relationship is parent / child, then we will both play those roles, and it's not healthy for us.
So I have resolved to be an adult rather than a parent, I will take time for me (even if it's at silly o'clock!), follow some of my own desires and not give in to everything that he wants me to do or be.
Quite often, I react to what I think is injustice and stubbornness from Mr H, whereas if I hold my tongue (not easy!) and keep quiet, he will often come round to my way of thinking - and I get what I want. There have been 2 examples of this over Christmas; firstly the bathroom. Our bathroom is ok, it's liveable with, but I would like a better shower, and to make better use of the small space, and for it to be a bit more modern. Mr H has always argued that it's fine and doesn't warrant spending money on, but now there is a possibility of a friend of his from the US coming to stay with us for a few weeks next year, he thinks it might be a good idea to get the bathroom done. Result!
Secondly, I said in my last post about giving my son £1000 towards his wedding, and that Mr H wasn't happy about it. Yesterday, just after I had been speaking to son and fiancée about venues etc, Mr H said that the £1000 was in our savings account and that I could take it out whenever I want. Result 2!!
So hopefully 2015 will be the year of positive thinking. Watch this space........
Hannah x
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
Control to base............
I have blogged before about Mr H's seemingly benign need to try to control me, my life, and how I live it; it is an irritating habit and one which I mostly try to ignore, but sometimes he sends me over the edge. He does seem to be getting worse since I went back to work; I think it's that while I wasn't working he felt that he was "in charge, in control, the boss" (can't say that I thought that!), whereas now I'm out earning a bit of dosh, he has somehow "lost control" of me, and he can't cope with it. I have to say that 2 weeks of being at home together over Christmas may have brought this to a head too.
A couple of weeks ago we were in the living room watching drivel (his choice) on TV, when I mentioned that when I get the easy chair I want for the dining room I can sit in there with a book and the radio if I want. " I don't want you sitting in the dining room, I like to have you sitting here" says Mr H, I was quite horrified and told him that I found that rather controlling, but he really didn't get it. " it's not controlling, it's just that I like to know where you are" he said. Just as bad I thought. In the summer, this is less of an issue, he is happy to sit in front of the TV while I am in the garden, but the winter is another story. Since then, I have made an effort to challenge him, if there is nothing I want to watch on TV I often go upstairs and rifle through my craft things in the spare room, or knit, or read. He doesn't like it, and comes upstairs to check on me every so often, but I need to reclaim this time for myself.
Yesterday evening, Mr H rang me (at his prescribed time of 6pm!)
" this time on Friday I'll be home" he said.
"Yes dear" I said.
" and we're taking your car in for an MOT a week on Friday" he said
That's 9 days away, the garage is a 5 minute drive away, no need really to plan it so far in advance. If he has a better offer, I can walk home.
"Good grief" I said "that's ages away"
"No need to be short with me, I like to be organised" he snapped.
I told him I had to get my tea out of the oven and ended the call. It drives me insane, my cars MOT is nothing to do with him, I am perfectly capable of booking it in, taking it and collecting it. I do not need to be controlled!
The thing, I suppose, is that it's all about him, he is the centre of his universe, and he sees everything through Mr H tinted glasses, if there is a faint possibility that he might be required to drive 5 minutes down the road to pick me up from the garage, he needs to plan it in his head in great detail. I, on the other hand, won't even think about it again until a week on Friday!
I was just about to post this when he rang again......he is thinking about my sons wedding in July ..... " I was thinking" he said " when you go shopping for your wedding outfit, I think I'll come with you"
" no you bloody well won't" I said " I'd rather wear a bin bag than go shopping with you and have you try to control what I should buy"
He is sulking now, I have hurt his feelings. But it's another example of his total lack of understanding of our relationship, of women, of me. If asked, he would describe himself as supportive, generous, understanding......he is none of these.
We will survive I am sure ( always the optimist) , but some "me time" with my knitting in the spare room will be necessary if I am to survive in good humour!
Hannah x
A couple of weeks ago we were in the living room watching drivel (his choice) on TV, when I mentioned that when I get the easy chair I want for the dining room I can sit in there with a book and the radio if I want. " I don't want you sitting in the dining room, I like to have you sitting here" says Mr H, I was quite horrified and told him that I found that rather controlling, but he really didn't get it. " it's not controlling, it's just that I like to know where you are" he said. Just as bad I thought. In the summer, this is less of an issue, he is happy to sit in front of the TV while I am in the garden, but the winter is another story. Since then, I have made an effort to challenge him, if there is nothing I want to watch on TV I often go upstairs and rifle through my craft things in the spare room, or knit, or read. He doesn't like it, and comes upstairs to check on me every so often, but I need to reclaim this time for myself.
Yesterday evening, Mr H rang me (at his prescribed time of 6pm!)
" this time on Friday I'll be home" he said.
"Yes dear" I said.
" and we're taking your car in for an MOT a week on Friday" he said
That's 9 days away, the garage is a 5 minute drive away, no need really to plan it so far in advance. If he has a better offer, I can walk home.
"Good grief" I said "that's ages away"
"No need to be short with me, I like to be organised" he snapped.
I told him I had to get my tea out of the oven and ended the call. It drives me insane, my cars MOT is nothing to do with him, I am perfectly capable of booking it in, taking it and collecting it. I do not need to be controlled!
The thing, I suppose, is that it's all about him, he is the centre of his universe, and he sees everything through Mr H tinted glasses, if there is a faint possibility that he might be required to drive 5 minutes down the road to pick me up from the garage, he needs to plan it in his head in great detail. I, on the other hand, won't even think about it again until a week on Friday!
I was just about to post this when he rang again......he is thinking about my sons wedding in July ..... " I was thinking" he said " when you go shopping for your wedding outfit, I think I'll come with you"
" no you bloody well won't" I said " I'd rather wear a bin bag than go shopping with you and have you try to control what I should buy"
He is sulking now, I have hurt his feelings. But it's another example of his total lack of understanding of our relationship, of women, of me. If asked, he would describe himself as supportive, generous, understanding......he is none of these.
We will survive I am sure ( always the optimist) , but some "me time" with my knitting in the spare room will be necessary if I am to survive in good humour!
Hannah x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)