I have said before that Mr H is self obsessed, like a child or a teenager (and I have had 4 so I know!), he thinks that the world revolves around him, and that he is the centre of everyone's universe. He sees situations only in the way that they impact on him; for example this week we are having some building work done in our house which has meant the electricity was going to be switched off for a couple of hours today, and we have also had to move some kitchen stuff and bits of furniture into other rooms for a few days. This has thrown him into an absolute turmoil and panic, he has been finding things to worry about all weekend, such as "what will I have for breakfast?" Normally he has toast but that might be difficult if there is no power, I suggested cereal, but his reply was "but I always have toast". He could also have bought something to eat on his way to work, but that wasn't an option for him either. Lets face it, he's not going to fade away, there is still food available for him to eat. I'm the one who has been in the house all day in total chaos, brick dust everywhere, no electricity, no water. But hey, he's at work out of the way so not his problem now!
He really has no understanding of (or possibly no interest in) how other people may be feeling about a situation, only the effect on him, which is one of the many reasons that I think he has Aspergers Syndrome. Some 10 or so years ago now, I received a letter following a breast screening exam, suggesting some abnormality and inviting me for a hospital appointment. I was understandably anxious, and was upset when he got home from work, but instead of asking me what was wrong, he launched into a rant about his awful day at work (he was very stressed by work at the time but still.....). When I showed him my hospital letter, he said "its always about you isn't it". I was speechless; he had no concept of my anxiety about possibly having breast cancer but only saw the impact that it had on him in that I wasn't particularly sympathetic to him. There have been many such incidents over the years but that one stands out in my mind.
I sit here sometimes (often if I am honest) and wonder why I am still with this man who I find so frustrating and difficult, and who is so socially inept. When we first got together I loved his honesty and his reliability, if he made a commitment he followed it through. Now I think that those admirable traits were and are part of is AS, he is brutally honest to the point of rudeness at times, and his reliability often feels like he is "ticking boxes", for instance if he is away from home in the evening I know he has to phone home at set times, if I don't answer he gets into a panic because he can't tick me off his mental ticklist, same goes with speaking to his adult children.
I do love him in some ways, although its certainly not earth shattering any more, and perhaps more fondness than love. I think we "rub along" fairly well together, but I often feel like his mother rather than his wife and I honestly don't think he is aware of this. He is usually kind, tells me often that he loves me, and is a good provider. I have lots of hobbies, interests and friends, he does very little apart from watching TV. Too old now to separate even if I wanted to, so I will have to sit it out and try to work at it.
sorry for the rather negative rant!
Hannah x
No comments:
Post a Comment